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Monday, July 28, 2014


I suppose I should have expected a lot of change and redirecting my goals when I started this detox. (Mental note to those of you preparing to quit) I don't even think I can call it detox at this point anymore. I am all over the place in my addiction to opiates at this point.My goals constantly change and the changes are usually based on my present feelings or emotions. I did quite a bit of prep work physically, mentally, and got quite educated before I began this. It's amazing that even after 9 months of consistent daily habits, they break just that easy if we let them. 

Please check out my post this morning on my Opiate Trap Blog.It is a check in after being absent from posting my daily experiences.

What is one to do when Suboxone Stopping becomes an entirely different thing? Do I continue to log about it. Maybe I should start a new blog? 

Please share your thoughts here, and on the Opiate Trap Blog.

Peace ~J'Elle

Friday, May 23, 2014

Day 44: Self Control Means I Control Myself

I realize this is not in order. Slowly but surely I am putting up last weeks logs.

This morning I woke up very early. My weekend of slumber decided to kick me back out into the real world again. I'm not mad at it though. In fact I am happy that it possibly means I will fall asleep before 5am, and I can begin cycling back onto a semi normal schedule. 

As usual over the last week, my attitude sucked from the moment I opened my eyes. It is an irritating situation when you are such a grouch that you don't even want to deal with your own self. 
On the bright side, once you get to that point of utter stagnancy and annoyance, making a bold move seems more favorable than continuing along the road of blah. 

I am not sure if it was luck or chance or fate... you can call it what you want, but a necasary turning point took place for me today. My personal belief is that people have been praying for me on the many days I haven't been able to believe I am worth praying for myself. I woke up at an early 6:30am.

I planted myself on the carpet in my den and switched on the TV. What do ya know, the first thing that I hear on the channel happens to be an exact replica of what I am NOT doing right in my life.  If I wanted to be cliche and genericly untrue I could say that this surprised me, but in fact it is quite the opposite. I find the world is made up of all sorts of things that I cannot understand but somehow bring harmony and existence together in a way that 'fits' ito our individual paths. 

Simply put- we are given signs and secrets to help us navigate our future in a positive way. However we might not position ourselves in a way that we can accept or even hear what is loudly being projected right in front of us. 

Thank God for those times that we are!

If things in life were happening exactly the way that we wanted, everything lined up, financial burdens at ease, and relationships operating along in great way, how would I be acting today?

Would I wake up in a state of anger? Barely pulling my tired body out of bed.  Exerting almost all of my energy into erasing the permanent scowl morphed onto my face? 

Most likely I'd bounce up cheerfully and excited for the day. What trials and tribulations can I not conquer if things are how I want them? 

Why need faith on those days? I'd be sailing along with ease.

Here are the next things that came out of that TV and into my brain.

If I can learn how to do the right thing while I am hurting, then no devil in hell that can keep me from the palace. I have to learn to do what is right while I am hurting. To do what is right when right things are not happening to me. 

When I hurt I need to do what I'd do if everything in my life was going exactly the way I want it to.

When I am hurting I need to act how I would if I was not hurting at all. 

When I am really hurting it takes alot of discipline to do what is right.

Self control means we control ourself.

Excuse: I can't help it! YES I CAN!

Pain can rule my behavior.

Wow. Talk about preaching to the choir!

Here is an outline of what I got from the show I watched. 

1. When I am hurting do not counter attack and go wild.
~gonna do anything I wanna do
~gonna eat what I want
~gonna buy whatever I want
? How is that gonna get the get me to where I want? 

2. Do not withdrawal, isolate, sulk, have a pity party. Sit around and get depressed.
I can be pitiful and powerful but I can't be both at the same time. 
Someone else on this planet is hurting worse than me. (wow)

3. do not believe the lie that God is punishing me for something I have done in the past. 
Not the biz that God is in
God remembers our sin no more when we ask for forgiveness. 
It is a lie to say I cant get over my wrongs

4. do not blame God and get mad at him. 
My disappointments come from me not getting what I want. 

5. when i am hurting do not give up and think I have no way out. 

6. do not passivly accept injustice- fight it
when i am in the middle hurting sooo bad i need to do all the good i can do for as many peole as i can as often as i can. 
This is the best strategy to move forward!

Overcome evil with good.!!!!!
I am not gonna win with a bad attitude r hating everyone...being jealous...
Trust that my life can be good.
work good out of bad things

7. when i am hurting, keep my commitments. keep my word. do what i tell people i would do. I will in no way break my commitment. 
Do i wanna be one of those people who does not keep commitments. 
Honor. Get honor back.

What is honor.
Do what is right b/c it is right. 

Be a person of my word!!!!!!

Hang on to my integrity- it is in these times that build character

If I am hurting so bad i can't stand it and i keep my commitments I AM GROWING SPIRITUALY AND AFTER TODAY I AM ONE DAY CLOSER TO MY DREAMS.


HOW AM I GONNA ACT IN THE MIDDLE? (I haven't been doing great so far)

anyone can do whats right when things are good, not many people can do whats right when things are horrible.

Bad days are ok but for the most part who do i wanna be?

I know that it has been hard to stay in a bad attitude since I have been mulling over these perspectives. Needless to say, today was a better day, and I believe I will have better days ahead.


Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Day 50-U Can Run but Ya Can't Hide!

Somewhere in the vicinity of 3am Tuesday morning and I find myself unable to sleep. Again. This time my insomnia is not brought on by annoying withdrawal symptoms, but by a mind that won't stop thinking. Plagued by thoughts of remorse that come along with the very thing I created for myself as an outlet for the stress and screeching voices hollering at me from inside the addicts mind. My blogs. Somewhere I have dropped the ball on reporting my progress (or lack there of), to a cyber world of readers that may or may not exist. 

My writing and enthusiasm developed into a rather consistent and productive outlet over the first month. The enthusiasm has not died, but my insides feel nauseated over the fact that I think I am not making enough progress. Am I a let down? As a day passed by and I ignored my online therapy I  allowed an onset of shame to plant seed in my soul. Each day that I did not write acted as the fertilizer that turned that shame seed into a weed infested guilt garden! My mind tells me that if I  mess up I mine as well give up.

If you struggle with addiction in way shape or form this concept will seem quite familiar. As I fight my insomnia I realize that 8 or 9 days does not a failure make!!! I mean, duh...right? The more I allowed my thoughts to unravel over the hours the more I realize that this is all still a part of who I am. A living breathing pattern of my addictive behaviors, and a very real part of my recovery. My goal is to not give up!

No matter how long I stay off the computer, or how many hours I sleep and want to ignore even the smallest set backs, my problems will not go away. 

SO, this is my attempt to grab hold of a new concept I will call- not running away from something so long that I make it irreparable by my own actions. Here on the early hours of day 50 of my road to recovery, I will not give up. I am still on the pills. A very low dose. A bit stagnant on the process. This last week has been different in my actions and in my thoughts. I have been journaling everyday, only on paper so that I could feed my silly fear of failure by logging onto google.

I am hoping this entry will help me to sleep a few hours. I plan to take my laptop to Starbucks and spend an hour or two going through emails, comments, etc and typing up my last week of journals. 

Until then... J'Elle

Monday, May 12, 2014

43 Days out of a Lifetime

After not wanting to turn on my computer for almost 3 days, I booted up. To my surprise I had lots of emails. Comments from an addicts mother, other junkies, and other people I didn't know...people with no obligation to my recovery.

The sight of those things brought the first tears  my eyes have been able to produce in weeks.  I cried uncontrollably as I read the words typed into cyberspace by strangers who offered their genuine support. Even when I hate myself and think I am doomed-someone is thinking of me. Someone has cried these same tears, bled these same wounds, and felt hopeless in front of me. I am not the first girl lying desperate at the mercy of the devil disguised as heroin. My father is not the 1st who holds onto hope while he watches his pride and joy agonize over something too foreign for him to understand.

 43 days seems like forever sometimes. 43 days also seems like nothing. There are so many ways to put recovery and the act of becoming sober into perspective. 

The lack of sleep from the past week or so must have caught up to me, because I slept most from Saturday/early Sunday until about 1pm today. I woke up a few hours here and there...

Saturday I was so upset with this whole subject I flushed the Suboxone I had left and took the choice of that relief away from myself. Unfortunately I still have some at the pharmacy. 

Somehow I was able to get thru about 48 hours without a pill. When I woke up today I started screaming like a child. I slammed my pillow at the wall and my father- who graciously has been staying at my house to support me thru this asked if I was ok. I screamed that I hated being awake! Why can't I just stay asleep!!

The only thing worse to me than feeling that way, is seeing the pain in my father's eyes. This man has taught me what unconditional love is. He has never blamed me, judged me, guilted me, or put me down. He IS the reason I ever made it off of the street and even tried getting sober.

Somedays it seems like other addicts have it easier, or don't go thru the same things as me. I know this is a bratty thing to say, but I didn't open this blog to sugarcoat my thoughts. I am pretty sure I am not the only one that thinks they are not meant to have a good sober life. 

We refilled 3 more Suboxone and after about 51 hours without one I took appx 1.5mg. I do not feel great about it, but it is what it is. I made up my mind that I was going to find a way to score some dope, so I negotiated myself into taking meds instead. 

I asked my father to not give me another piece for at least 24 more hours. I am praying I will turn that 24 hours into 48hr. Maybe that 48hrs will become a week...and maybe I will smile again someday soon.

Sincerely thanking those who have reached out to me..~J

Friday, May 9, 2014

Day 39: Knowledge Without Action Doesn't Do Alot

First off, I'd like to clarify the importance I hold in blogging these little details. I try to be candid and genuine about the good and the bad. Recognizing the bad opens up my eyes to reasons I may have relapsed in the past. I am able to sort out my strengths and weaknesses. 

Addiction is a dirty, sneaky, tricky lil demon who will continue to tell you that you will fail until you shut him up! 'A Naughty Child' was the phrase one person used. 

Posting the negatives gives me a sort of clarity that I don't get by keeping my fears bottled up. 

I learn more from other addicts and their stories, journeys, and truths than I have from any professional. Maybe I should phrase that by saying I learn different things from addicts than things I learn from professionals. Both are useful!

Today was a lazier day than usual. I am still not able to sleep much. I think I fell asleep as the sun was coming up this morning. At least I get a couple hours. Between the withdrawals and the flood of feelings I've been numbing for 2 years my brain operates on overload all night.

It is nice to know that there are people who really do care enough to spare a kind word or a helpful suggestion. It feels very needy to be focusing on my recovery so much, and I do not like that.

I try to remember that for 21 years I have been dealing with pain in unhealthy ways. That is 2 decades of beating myself up and trying to cope. I can donate a month or two to try to change that. If I look at it from that perspective it chills me out a little. 

During the bad days I seem to put off a lot of things I need to be doing. Exercise, reading, praying, working in my decision book, listening to my hypnosis CD's etc.  

We can have all the knowledge in the world about what we need to do, but it is a total waste if we don't practice what we know will help. 

Seems like a simple concept. Putting it into motion in the midst of recovery...not so simple. Nevertheless I am glad I recognized that, and have tried to change that today. 

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Day 38- Really Struggling at This Point

My brain is so fudged up I can barely think clearly. All my rational motivation for myself is out the window. I am terrified. BUT I still want to quit.

I really need some advice. First off I feel ridiculously weak b/c I wanted to cold turkey like 2 weeks ago. 

I gave myself a break due to my short amount of taper days.

Here I sit in the same exact position. It's like I am dragging out the feeling Sh!**y feeling that comes with w/d's. The small piece I take here n there does nothing but prolong the time I'm not clean.

My sleep is all jacked up, I am super frustrated, exhausted, and today I pulled a junkie move. Refilled 3 pills at the pharmacy like usual. I usually cut them up into 1 or 2 mg pieces & give the bottle to family to hold so I won't be tempted. Today I cut them up into enuf pieces so it looked like I didn't take much- but I took like 3 or 4 pieces. Prolly equivalent to just less than 1 full pill. 

I wanted that feeling of relief that comes with stopping w/d & I got relief. Temporarily. Maybe a few hours and that's only b/c I've been on such a low dose. 

Totally not worth the guilt and disappointment that it left me with.

I can't seem to clear my head enough to wrap it around the decision to STOP TAKING THEM! I block it out when I even start to think. 

Sometimes I feel like if I didn't have any more pills left to refill that will be the only way to stop. But I was told today I have more. :-( 

So I need a plan. Do I come clean w/ my fam, and tell them not to give me any? Do I get it done this weekend? Or do I keep taking them until I feel ready to stop? I need some direction. Some words of wisdom, or someone to make me a plan bc I am dropping the ball!  

I do not know where all this fear is coming from. I was doing well for the first month. But the thought of not taking them... omg I can't picture how to get there anymore. 

If ever there was a day I need support and advice it's today.

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Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Day 35: Insomnia=Irrationality

The exhaustion must be getting to me. Friday I slept about 5 hours. Saturday 3 1/2 hours. It's Monday morning and I have not yet gone to sleep. I remember this happening during my past detoxes. 

The nasty, creepy, crawly, feelings of bugs up and down my legs is one of the grossest feelings EVER.

I laid awake all night restless and sweating back and forth as if I had the flu. I did not think I'd make it to this morning. I have a doctor appointment at 2pm, so we shall see how that goes. (assuming I stay awake)

I was prepared to have insomnia at some point, but I predicted it would not come until I was completly off the meds. It must be these big jumps in dosage that I am taking. My dose on Saturday was around 3:30pm. My dose Sunday about 7pm, and about 1mg or less.

I held off as long as I could. 

I am literally holding onto hope with my life today. I do not want to give up and give in because of insomnia. I am telling myself the rational explanation to why I feel so hopeless is the lack of sleep. 

Monday, May 5, 2014

Gonna Vent NOT Use-Day 33

One of the things I dislike about myself is that when the going gets tough, I lose all motivation & stop doing the things I love. 
This was a hard weekend. I could barely bring myself to move let alone write... Boo Hoo right? 
 I will be the first to say I'll never change unless I CHANGE!

I mustered up the effort to post my feelings on an incredible recovery forum I've been a part of. My post for day 33 will simply be the content from that thread. 

Hope you enjoy!

ME: I am at the tail end of my Suboxone detox. Prolly only have a few days left.
I find on this Saturday night instead of leg cramps, depression and nausea, I'd prefer a needle or a pipe. No discrimination..I'll take whatever I can find. 

This is my attempt to start changing my dirty habits. 

I find that when I relapse it usually happens like this:

-have the thought of getting high
-obsess on it
-glorify it until I convince myself
-refuse to think of anything else except how to score until I do it

So, I know that in posting here I am forced to type it out which requires thinking about the millions of bad things instead of the one good thing. (the glorified 5 second good thing.)

For me, H has been the most difficult to put behind me. Thanks for letting mw vent. I think deep down I don't really want to.

Comment 1: No, DEEP down, You DON'T want to - it's just that crazy old mind song playing in the head again. But it's NOT you - can you see it play ? There's you watching it , hearing it, there's You and the old song playing- they're separate. Stay with the REAL you - find the quiet within, even for for a few seconds here and a few seconds there. Step out of the mind and find that quiet "space "within- rest there . Be at ease, breath.... It'll pass. Trust.

Comment 2: Type more than a couple paragraphs. Type out the whole story of your past using days. Do it in OneNote or somewhere if you don't want it online. You've got to remember how bad it really was instead of falling into the circular seeking behavior.

Comment 3:
Deep down you don't really want to

That's not you talking ........

Comment 4: I am glad you posted this. My thought process was pretty much the exact same, but I never actually wrote it out. It is great that you have identified it so you can do something about it. How do you plan to battle the cravings and to stop it before it gets to number 4 on your list?

Comment 5: How about interrupt it at #1 ? It is the thought of using which is the signal to intervene. What are you feeling just before those thoughts come ? Are you feeling overwhelmed by something in your current situation ? Are you feeling trapped in some way ? Or helpless? I read that addiction is only a symptom of an unlying feeling of powerlessness/trapped helplessness and for long-term soberity to stick, you need to identify the real issues driving the need to escape. Do you feel any of these emotions,friend ? If so, what can you change to lessen those feelings? What empowering action(s) can you take?

My Response: - I am really scared of screwing up again is at the root of it. Been 12 or more years without going a week clean.. I always get sober and relapse. Some minutes I feel great like I can do it this time, next minute I am like wtf why am I trying. 

I rented pay per per view and watched Netflix all night.. since I am sleeping little to none right now.. Stayed clean.

Comment 6: That's SO awesome - you rode it out and it passed !!! You should pat yourself on the bat - or at least do it for me ! Just take it one day at a time - that's enough. Don't worry about tomorrow - you never have to handle more than today. Forget the rest and when the mind story gets going , catch it and stop it. Keep reminding your mind that today is enough and try to see if you can find some ease in just staying present . It's a real challenge, I know, but it's a challenge that will help you on so many levels. And the more clean days you stack, the easier it'll be to do this and other other positive things. Just keep it simple - today is all you need to take care of. Keep moving forward,, Lady - you passed yesterday's test - you can pass today's!

To be honest, I have been lonely as hell during the last 2 years of using, and the longer I try to get sober the lonelier I get. I can imagine hell should be so isolating. I could count on one hand the people interested in what's up with me- and there was a day I had more friends than I knew what to do with. That's another topic though...hard for people to wanna be friends with a junkie loser.

Last night- those complete junkie and ex-junkie STRANGERS gave a crap enough to give me those no BS replies. I did not expect a response at all. I figured people would glance and roll through. 

Amazing that in the world we live in where junkies are trash and the sober people are 'good', that an addict cares enough to rise up and help a total stranger day after day! It's amazing. It was amazing not to feel alone when I logged on and saw that people cared if I never logged on again...

I posted this on as well. It is important to me that one person who is hopeless and alone might benefit from seeing that they can reach out. It is worth the post if even one  person reaches out for help. I am only one person, and I lived through many nights where I was lucky to see the next morning. Seeing hope may have made a difference..? 

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Weary End of Day 32

No matter how weary though, I am here another day!

What a day! I attempted to keep busy and distract my over-analyzing brain from dwelling on the fact that this is pretty much done!

As I mentioned this morning, I would not take any Suboxone this morning. I waited until about 7:30pm, and took the better half of a 1/4 of a pill, and about 30 minutes later took the remainder of the quarter. 

I believe that is progress again and I am pleased. 

Tomorrow's goal will be to put my dose off as long as possible. 

As my taper progresses, I am weary. This is very difficult. I am not certain if the mental energy demanded has me beat up, or if the leg pain, dizzy, clammy, lightheaded, nauseated with every move stuff is breaking me. I am positive the 3 hours I slept last night exacerbate it all.

I am not in the mindset to give up during this late night write, but I wonder if the weary may weigh my soul too hard if I have another day like this. Thankfully days seldom repeat themselves. 

The sadness is crippling. I read today on the site about a woman who is 4 months off opiates, lifeless, and depressed. She is certain that her fate is sealed. I prayed for her on the spot that she find her smile.

I am fortunate have the good days I've had. They remind me I smiled lately. I must have gone weeks, maybe 6 months where I stayed home by myself and never smiled. Knowledge is power and will do me well as far as helping me naturally reboot my endorphins. 

Lots of walks, even the 45 second ones. Playing my guitar. Listening to music. Writing. Forcing myself to watch funny TV so i will laugh. Jumping up and down like a fool. Yoga. Wall push-ups. Punching pillows. Telling myself I am not a loser in the mirror. (even through tears)  All things that aid in getting signals to your brain for 'happy chemical production.

Sometimes I feel alone based on the negative feelings I have. I wonder if everyone struggles so hard to keep them positive? 

I want to beat this and learn from it. My goal to be 'sober' is almost non-existent. People get sober and stay there. 

Sober for me will be a pit stop along the way. Someone needs to reach out into the world differently from whats been done. There are still MILLIONS of addicts and it keeps growing. Hurting people. Men, women, and kids that want to hang onto their freedom and don't know how to. I know saving the world won't happen through me, but I can put my story out there and try to help another self destructing ashamed addict find their way through.


Friday, May 2, 2014

Starting Day 32

Starting day 32 with exhaustion, restless legs,  hope, and NOT my 1/8 of a pill. I have still been on 1/4 of a pill for the last few days, although I have broken that 1/4 into 2 different doses to help my body adjust a little easier.

The up all night insomnia most definitely made it's most prominent presence in this recovery so far. Luckily, a light day and some grace will ease me through a full day without Suboxone. I HOPE! In the back of my mind somewhere between doubtful and maybe...if I can go all day today, maybe that will turn into all day tomorrow too.

I already know I can do it for 24 hours, but never on this dose. The medicine I have built up continues to  quickly flushing out and I can feel it physically. 

As horrible as this is, I know without a shadow of a doubt it is one of he easiest detoxes in my life. It could be that this time is on my terms, not the county jail or anywhere else. Perhaps this is where my journey is supposed to be. Maybe this time will truly be different. 

PS: If you haven't checked out, you should.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

31 Days~ Really J'Elle??

"Really J'Elle?"

Boy do those two words go thru my head multiple times a day. 

Picture yourself floating idly in the air. Unable to move from one spot, body tense on the inside and limp on the outside. One hand lifted forward in front of you as though you are reaching for something...almost able to touch it with your dainty fingertips. Paralyzed in fear that if you stretch your hand the teeny tiny last centimeter it needs to stretch in order to reach the object of your affection, that you might lose flight and fall to the ground. Your body shattering like glass into a million pieces from that last small movement.  You also know that if you don't strive for that last reach, you might flail aimlessly forever, stuck and stoic.

Sobriety flirts in my reach. The object of my affection taunting and teasing me. The hopeful love that will be my happily ever after. If happily ever after existed. 

In my dream state of semi-sobriety from my prescription air-bag, I am in shock. There is no where left to go except off of the pills. Despite all of the aches and pains this has been easier than I remember in my last couple of attempts to quit opiates.

Could I have found a way out of the opiate trap? "Are you REALLY doing this J'Elle?"

I took a 1/4 tab again this morning and have a half of a pill left. Day 31 of stopping Suboxone. 

I believe with ALL my heart that if I can do this, anyone can. Dysfunctional, sabotaging everything good, relapse professional J'Elle; making a new life at 35 years old. 

I guess we will see. 

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Day 29-Stormy Weather

I am writing this 29 days into quitting taking opiates. Last pill at appx 12 noon. a quarter of a tab. Followed by an immediate appt at my Dr's office. 
It feels like I am in the middle of the storm, but i have a feeling that I am nowhere near the eye. In fact, I believe I am merely approaching the cusp of the eye. 
Good things and harder things are happening on a daily basis. Notice I said harder things.... not bad things. Yeah Yeah Yeah I am not loving those happy, bouncy, sunshiny day types right now, but I will tell you something valuable that I have learned through this process. 

Up to this point, I have found that one of the most valuable commodities to getting op-sobed, is attitude. Yes there is sick and sad and restless legs. Defeat of mind, sick souled, worn weary feelings of despair, but beyond all of those things if you are able to reach out and take some new risks it will take you some place. 

Things are happening that I never believed. On 'H', not only did I feel dead, I was more than 100% sure I'd be underground by now. I hated myself for that. Sometimes still do, but I am paving a new way filled with hope. 


30 Days!!!

I love that I am down to about 1/4 of a pill a day. There is of course, disappintment in not being cold turkey the last few ds. I am trying to look at it from the standpoint of aim high and if I miss it's alright. We can never dream too big.

The fact that I haven't given up or gone back to street dope is extremely exciting for me. 

The fact that I haven't given up or gone back to street drugs is extremely terrifying for me. 

My brain wages war between those two statements knowing that the nature of the beast is always to attack.

In this circumstance the beast is my addiction. 

I am not without w/d symptoms. Restless legs are the most hated. Along with nausea and depression. These are my top 3. I am positive that preparation has been my ally for the past month. By that I mean physical and emotional preparation. 

I wll outline more about how I have been doing this in a simplified manner for those of you who might want to detox.

thanks to my readers, (assuming I have one) and keep cheering me on and keeping me in your good thoughts please!
Don't forget to share with those in need.


Sunday, April 27, 2014

27th Day on This Train

Well, 27 days into my Suboxone taper and what a ride it has been. Experiencing every emotion that I can think of, it's most definitely a whirlwind! 

Today I struggled more with the upset stomach, major depression, and the RLS was starting to get a bit nuts! (RLS=restless leg syndrome) 

Here's how my day went:

12pm (ish): Forced self to sit in sun. Lasted about 3 minutes.

1:30pm: Picked up my guitar and jammed out some notes for about 5 minutes.

2pm: Friend called and took me to lunch and then Starbucks. Lifesaver!!!

4:30: Started freaking out & dragged myself on a 10 minute walk.

7pm: Picked up some Clonidine from the Pharmacy

8:30: Watched a movie / my Dad, took some Clonidine and a small piece of Suboxone. (appx .5mg) :-(

Single most motivating thing today: fellow ex-junkie asking me if I'd be able to get up and find energy for a free kilo that would be a 5 mile walk away. WOW! Talk about putting things into perspective. Mind over matter baby! That is SO much of it!

I am not going to be too hard on myself. I am in a good place at the moment. Tomorrow I will keep going. My motto right now is one day at a time. Hoping to go 48 hours with no Subs and then take it from there. Quite honestly, with al the crazy thoughts that ran through my head today, I am glad I did not pick up the phone and have a full blown stupid relapse. This is tough!!!! Not giving up yet. ~J'Elle

Friday, April 25, 2014

Day 26

I am a believer in God and the Bible. I am most definitely not here to preach to anyone or attempt a conversion. Believing in god is simply a part of who I am, and my relationship with him is a tool that I use in my life, specifically in my recovery. 

In all honesty, if you look at the bible you can retain plenty of factual and practical life habits whether or not you believe spiritually. 

I have an actual point. Today I went cold turkey off of Suboxone, and so far it's believing there is something better on the other side of this hell I am enduring that carries me. God knows I do not have the strength to carry myself all day every day. 

I will be honest and say I do not know how much further I can go. Sometimes it literally is hour by hour. Telling myself I do not need to call the dope man minute by minute. 

If it gets THAT bad, I hope I will remember I have Suboxone at the pharmacy instead of calling the dope man. For an addict it doesn't always work that way in our messy little brains. 

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

24th Day of My Suboxone Taper

Our minds are a powerful thing. I am content in my decision to cold turkey the rest of the way as of Friday. 

However, fear and doubt of myself consume my brain. Failure haunts me. Sobriety seems so out of reach. For the 18 months I have been on Suboxone, I considered myself 'sober'. As time has passed, knowledge has increased, and my moods dependence has relied on my medication I realize it is not 100% sobriety. 

I still hold to the fact that Suboxone saved my life. Served as a gateway from heroin to freedom. Suboxone provided the time I needed to gain more mental stability. The counseling and medical attention I needed has further helped me along, and without the medication I doubt I would have made it this far. 

I filled my 24th day with reading, walks, yoga, and writing. I spent time on a recovery forum networking with other drug addicts and opiate users. We are not alone. 

Day 24 was hard and hopeful. I am sure the days ahead will be harder, but each day that passes I think a little more hope comes. Hope for freedom from the trap I loathe so much. 

Day 23- One Cold Turkey Coming Up!

 Today I asked my Dr. what he thought about me going cold turkey. I am down from 2 pills a day to less than 1 pill a day in three weeks. Physically I am already starting to go through the withdrawals, and I feel like continuing to taper will simply prolong the misery. 

We agreed on Friday being the day that I go cold turkey. This gives me a few days to mentally prepare myself. I know that I need a support system in place on many levels for this to happen. 

I went most of the day on only 1/4 of a pill. When I took a 1/2 a pill tonight it made me feel so much better. What an aggravating feeling! To know that we are so dependent on a little expensive pill. I am so over it. 

I know this will be the fight of all fights. Today I read many stories of people who have been through this. My hearts breaks over it. 

If there is anyone that reads this post, please let me know if you have any words of wisdom about the cold turkey thing. I am finding that the online junkie community provides more support for me than almost anything else!

Thanks for reading. Share this with someone if you know they want to quit Subs. Also, take the time to read my blog if you are interested in what a junkie life does to a soul. 

Much love.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Craving Change Day 23

There comes a point for all of us when we crave change. By crave, I mean a desire so potent that it comes from a place deep inside of us, a desire we can't extinguish no matter how much we sleep. 

I find that when I am at this point I have two choices. I give up, or I insert actions powerful enough to move me away from the sameness that haunts my days. 

This craving is what lit the spark in me to get completely away from opiates. I found a doctor and counselor qualified and determined to teach me how I could make the permanent changes necessary to stay sober over a lifetime. I opened this blog as an outlet for my feelings, and as a source of inspiration for others who want to be free of opiates.  

Three weeks into my new fight I find myself craving even more than this. I have lost my focus over the last week. My joy is being overpowered by negative thoughts and days filled living on the edge of dope sickness and depression. 

I see my doctor in a few more hours. I plan to ask him if at this point of taking less than 1 pill a day, should I go ahead and go cold turkey for the rest? Throw all of the withdrawal into a few days, and get on with my life. I honestly do not know what his answer will be. I wish I had access to ex-junkies for some guidance. 

Nevertheless, my first step today was to pray. Next to write, and then I'll force myself on a walk and to do some yoga. Maybe I can jump start my endorphins that way.  know that if I want my circumstances to change I have to change what I do during my day. This will be the part of the fight where I literally have to drag myself through the motions and pray for results. I know that I won't change if I lay around sad all day, so nothing I do can be worse than how I have felt all week. 

The goal is to stay sober and away from a street drug relapse. Thanks to the few of you who are reading and sending me comments. Believe it or not, those few words send me more hope than you can imagine. I am posting this entry on both of my blogs this morning. & I'll update later on how the day went. 

Monday, April 21, 2014

Day 22-Will It Ever End?

Today I started out by looking at my situation and wanting to give it a more practical approach. This is how I dealt with it when I decided to get off of Suboxone. As it has gotten more difficult over the last week, I have been very out of whack. 

Years ago I began to look at problems like a war. My life as the battlefield, my problems the enemy, and my coping skills were my armor. 

I realized that if unarmed when attacked by my problems, I will surely lose the war. 

By the end of today, feeling sick, depressed and hopeless, I am ready to surrender. I can only hope this means I am closer to feeling better. Why are things so hard when we are right in the middle of them. 

I am sick with myself for ever being a drug addict. I realize more than ever that I better sharpen my coping skills fast. I'm hardly rational and wonder what life will be like when opiates are a thing of the past.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Day 21: Week 3 Officially Over




Day 21 & Easter

I am weary from struggle. Tired from the focus that drugs bring during both the using period, and the recovery period. Some days I have Wonder Woman sized strength to take it on, others I have no strength at all. 

Today marks the 3 week mark for my Suboxone taper. I had a little reminder this morning that came just in the nick of time. 

It reminded me why I started this blog. Not only for me, but for anyone who may need the courage to try to get free of opiates. I know that I cannot go backwards in time. I can only take another step toward being completely sober from opiates. 

While that seems like such an impossible feat, I know there are others who have done it. I am trying to be grateful today that I am doing it by choice. I could be drying out in a jail cell or mental institution and believe me that wasn't too far away from where I was as a junkie. 

Thanks for reading and Happy Easter!

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Day 20 Is Finally Over

I apologize in advance for the negativity in this post but I want to be honest. 

Most of the day I was in a rotten mood. Although I do not get a 'high' feeling from taking Suboxone, it's clearly something. Not taking the usual amount is making me feel like I am void of any happiness. I know that if I took my full 2 pills then the bad mood wood most likely go away. 

Not only is that irritating but a reminder that I HATE being a slave to opiates. It confuses me that I switch back and forth from I want to give up to I will keep on this track. If I am in the midst of being fully aware of what opiates are doing to me, you would think giving up would be the last thing on my mind. 

I guess if anyone looks at my blog, then they will know I gave up when my posts stop. For now I'd like to keep going. After being halfway through the tapering process it seems a waste to quit. The scary part is knowing the horrible feeling I had today will increase as the Suboxone in body continues to decrease.

Day 21 is tomorrow. # weeks into my detox plan.  

A reminder to share this blog with a loved one or through social media to help reach the addicts who need a first step!

Day 20

Last night I read a post from a Mom about her son being on Suboxone, and the judgement from people around her. People telling her if he is on Suboxone he is not sober. I can't help but feel weak after reading things like that. I have said before that I believe Suboxone saved my life. On the other hand I do think it is best used as a tool to facilitate sobriety off of all opiates as opposed to a long term solution. 

I do not feel negatively abut anyone who stays on it. I know the hell of heroin and the life it brings. I have been on Suboxone over a year, and I am barely ready to get off of it. Every should do it in their own time in my opinion. It's pointless to do it at all until we are ready. 

Tapering sure is hard! I needed the timing to match up with my support system, and even having those things on point I want to give up many hours of the day. 

there's a salvation in reading ex-junkie blogs. It soothes me to see them on the otherside. It motivates me to keep going. Today I will take an hour at a time. I have not taken my Suboxone for the day yet. I'd like to hold out a few more hours if possible. 

Wish me luck. 

Friday, April 18, 2014

Made It Thru Day 19

A bit hard to believe I will admit. I do not like the feeling ill, tired, under the weather and depressed so much. I do however like that all the 'pain' means I am getting through this ordeal. A little closer each day. 
I did a 1/2 pill this afternoon, and a 1/4 in the early evening. So this week altered between 1/2 and 3/4.

I think the most difficult thing I go through is guilt. The guilt I feel over everything I have done, and that I need to do something like this to become a 'normal' person, really drags me down. 

I guess it is what it is, and since I can't fix the past it doesn't do me much good to stay in guilt. Finding a way to work that out would most likely eliminate a lot of 'symptoms' I am having. Maybe?

I want to do this really quickly. I made the decision to get off Suboxone almost 3 weeks ago. Part of my addict behavior is to require that instant gratification. In this case the absence of Suboxone in my daily life is the gratification. The truth is I have zero desire to live the day to day of it. I suppose there are obvious lessons in walking through the taper as opposed to a sedated rapid detox that I dream about. 

So grateful for my blog as an outlet. I wonder most hours of the day if I am the only one who is like this. 

My final thought is that sobriety on a Friday night is a complete obstacle to climb all on it's own. My phone is not plugged in, so that I do not have to be faced with the choice. 

Day 19 Part One

I had using dreams last night. A rehab counselor once told me that having using dreams means we are purging the drugs from our minds. I am not sure if this is true. I'd love to find out more about that. The effect they have on me is that I seem to feel sad when I wake.

My first order of business was to see Dr. D. He asked me yesterday to come in for an extra session of hypnosis since I have been a bit off track the last few days.

Essentially this is where I wear blinking glasses, headphones, and he talks me into a conscious level. Then he can say things like, "I am realizing how much I want to be free of opiates", or "I will take good care of myself."

I am sorry that my explanation does it NO justice. What I can say is that it works. I highly recommend doing some research on this topic. Hypnosis for addiction, quitting smoking, weight loss, or whatever. Something about reconstructing our feelings and words to ourselves when our brain is at a consciousness in which it can be effected.

I know my  Dr. has a success rate of above over 95% among thousands of patients.

Anyways, Day 19 started sad but took a hard right turn. I am still really struggling with my thoughts, depression, headaches, and anxiety, but I plan to go for a walk and spend a little time with family. I also plan to listen to the CD he burned for me from our session. I figure I have nothing to lose. I haven't taken my Suboxone yet. I plan to put it off as long as I can today. I am quite sure that is effecting my mood as well.

It's all about staying clean from street drugs another day, and continuing my taper off Suboxone.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Day 18

I slept in late today. My first decision was coffee. My 2nd decision was to cancel my day and get back in bed. 

Unfortunately for me, I made a commitment to model my eyes for a live web chat evaluation that my roommate needed to complete so she can start her new job. 

Thank God for that hidden blessing because by the end of it I had decided not to cancel my appointment with Dr. D.  

I decided on honesty being the best policy & let him know that my pill reduction from 3/4 to 1/2 was not going so well. I also admitted my overwhelming fear that my tapering is dangerously close to me being off of them for good. 

We made 2 decisions. 

1. My taper may be a bit fast, and to allow myself the flexibility of 1/2 or 3/4 for a few more days. 
2. To give my medication to a family member for dispersement. This seemingly should have been an obvious move, but I say better late than never. The cheating temptation only became overpowering the last few days. 

The decision to designate the pill control needed to be mine. Small victories...

LAstly I discussed my blog & the nervousness that comes w/ my candid experience, the fear of failure, & and the intense desire to reach out to suffering opiate addicts. 

Dr. D. encouraged me to continue writing, and as you can see I've decided today to keep it going. 

See ya on 19th day! 

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

End of day 17

Well my head is going to split open by now and I am attempting to go to sleep earlier than usual. Seeing the Doc tomorrow. Grateful for comments and suggestions I read from readers. I think that may be one of the most encouraging aspects of doing something like this. Remembering people have been where I am, and people who are trying to get to this point.

Day 17 Midday Check In

So far today is still going better than yesterday. This is my 3rd day taking half a pill. The one thing I hate is I have a headache that hurts worse than any one I have ever had before. I do not know if this is a withdrawal symptom. I plan to try to find out. Nothing will relieve it.

I also feel extremely run down today. I have zero energy and it's hard getting anything done.

Any comments about symptoms would be appreciated.

Day 17- A New Day

I thought I would post my day 17 journal early today. I am almost caught up on typing the handwritten journals, and have been able to write direct onto the blog the last 3 days. Small victories add up!

The negativity consuming my thoughts at bedtime soon transformed into nightmares followed by guilt from blogging that negativity out into the universe. 

I started to delete it, but I remembered I am only human. Certainly not a perfect human. If my ability to be candid about my withdrawal process is thwarted by insecurities, it feels like a pointless gesture to share.  

I woke up bright and early! As my alarm began to beep at 8:00am, (early for me) I heard the voice of my sweet housemate calling out for me to get up. I left my house for a nice long walk, and the fresh air did me wonders. 

As much as I detest getting up early to walk, it's nice to start the day with a victory. The air cleared my thoughts and I refocused my Suboxone tapering goals. Bringing it back to simple terms worked for me today. 

I only have to worry about now. At lunch time I can worry about lunch time, and tonight I can worry about tonight. Worrying about tomorrow accomplishes one thing- putting me in a mindset to give up. If I wake up tomorrow, I can worry at that time. 

I have gone from 2 8mg pills a day to half of an 8mg pill a day. 
Thats a 14mg decrease! I have something to be proud of, and I've decided to allow myself to feel good about that for a moment. 

I am TERRIFIED of the next step because that step means this journey is almost over and I have not lived opiate free in a very very long time. 

We shall see where I am at the end of today. For anyone reading this who is thinking about quitting opiates. Take that first step! That's all you need. We don't even have to worry about what comes next just yet.  

Day 16- Ready to Give Up

Feelings come and go, so I am trying to discipline myself to commit to something regardless of how I feel. Today I feel as if I will not stop using. SOme parts of the day I even think I don't want to stop.

Why the hell wouldn't I want to stop after the traumatic, miserable,  death of a life I've been in?

I need to remember this is why drugs are a trap! They want you to love them so they make you high, That is the trap.

Going to ride out this self defeating emotion and wake up tomorrow to day 17.

Day 15- Maybe there is hope

Saw Dr. D today. I am starting to not only layout a tangible plan for a better future, but some of the things are already happening. Including this blog. No one may ever read it, but I hope that' not the case.
I know how bad people are hurting because I have been one of those people. A change NEEDS to take place! Why are the numbers of people in the world who self medicate increasing?

I am a nobody. Who is nowhere. The funny thing is, I have been everywhere, and I can only hope my greatest hope, that through the shit I have trampled through someone might find hope in their own self.

If I can get off of suboxone and stay off, I know anyone can. I know I am not the first or last woman to say that.

If you are wanting off of opiates. Heroin. Watch my for taper updates.

There is a way to use Suboxone as a tool to reach sobriety. It must be a temporary tool. I am hoping to show you it can happen!

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Day 7-one week and still going!

Today I saw Dr. D, and it was my least favorite session. I know that this is my fault. I am incredibly sad and not loving the opiate tapering.

The cycle of wanting to be free and trying to free yourself resembles being stuck in a dark box with no where to move. All you want is a breath of fresh air.

I did some hypnosis while at the doc. Basically I set up in a restful chair, and get coached into a restful state. I am not quite asleep, and I can remember the things being said to me in that state. A lot of concentration on my goals and dreams for the future. Also hearing that even though I am in pain from withdrawal, I know that the pain means I am closer to my destination of being opiate free. That is such a vague description of what happens during these sessions, but I am not sure yet how to explain it.

I always feel better after a dr visit that's for sure!

Day 6

Well I feel about the same as the last few days, except starting to feel good about the fact that I have been sticking to this almost a week.
Still feels hopeless. I started a new obsession today on what opiates do to your brain.

Having no endorphins is a rotten feeling. Seeing the Doc tomorrow.

Day 4 & 5

It's not as easy as it seems, but I am still trucking through it. I am at 1 full pill a day- so it feels like a setback. Essentially my total dose has been halved.

What I do know from today and yesterday is that I am reminded in full throttle how much I hate being a slave to a stupid little pill.

Day 3 of Sub tapers!

I listen to the CD Dr. D made me. I feel no real sorrow or joy today.

Possibly the effect of my body realizing I have stopped injecting it with overloads of happy endorphins?

On the bright side- it's day 3 of my taper and I am staying at 8 mgs so far. So I have cut the Suboxone in half.

Waiting for day 4....

Day 2- It's a start..

Today was day 2 of seeing Dr. D. It was my first experience undergoing hypnotism. Only mildly aware f what to expect, I held out faith that the effect would be positive and not some hocus pocus weird magical type shenanigan. I thoroughly enjoyed it in his office. I laid in a comfortable recliner. Covered in a blanket and wearing glasses with flashing lights as well as head phones.

I came to--at the end and physically felt as though I had popped a few Valium. The physical sensation in my body embodied that of a strong tranquilizer.

Instructed to practice the ritual at home, I reluctantly played the Audio CD that he copied for me from our in office session.

The motivation came… never. I simply have made a choice to commit regardless of what erratic emotion I may be going through.

The session I did on my own reconciled the same results. My stress level dramatically decreased. However, I felt scared during the entire thing. At times I was able to completely block out the thoughts that someone would come into my house. The lack of control that cme with eyes being closed, and sound limited to earbuds stirred uneasiness. I overall successfully completed the session and have no regrets.

Excited and optimistic for tomorrow! My goal is to go into my day hoping to avoid taking my suboxone. I have decided that since I am not 'officially' on the weaning process I will allow myself ONE total from midnight 3-28 until midnight 3-29 as to keep from any emotional outbursts or feelings of desperation. It is simply an attempt to feel out the play by play of what's to come.

Day 1- To Quit or Not to quit

You know... that point in the never ending cycle of pain numbing where a flicker of hope sparks inside you?

This happened to me yesterday when I met a new Dr. A hypnotherapist who insists that changing the core thought deep down inside me will help me stay sober and be free of opiates.

The core thought is that I want to kill myself. Slowly. Miserably. I have to stop hating myself.

There are some days when I like living, but the majority of the days are the ones that cast a shadow on any hope of a happy life.

I mean, how can I even look in the mirror at myself when day after day, year after year, I satiate the desire to be sober with some form of narcotic. A narcotic that I secretly love. I really don't wanna give it up. Or do I?

I find myself trapped.

The real dirty truth is one only another user like me can understand.

Today I am excited though. Not only do I feel ready to quit Suboxone, but I think I can do it in a week!!!! A decision has been made- so why take a long road to get through it?


I know what is to come. This time it will be different? This time it will be different. I went from 2 8mg tabs a day to a 1/2 a pill today. The excitement seems to be getting me through any pain I might think I am enduring.

But deep down I know it won't take a week.

Not if I want to do this right.

Here's hoping!