Friday, April 18, 2014

Made It Thru Day 19

A bit hard to believe I will admit. I do not like the feeling ill, tired, under the weather and depressed so much. I do however like that all the 'pain' means I am getting through this ordeal. A little closer each day. 
I did a 1/2 pill this afternoon, and a 1/4 in the early evening. So this week altered between 1/2 and 3/4.

I think the most difficult thing I go through is guilt. The guilt I feel over everything I have done, and that I need to do something like this to become a 'normal' person, really drags me down. 

I guess it is what it is, and since I can't fix the past it doesn't do me much good to stay in guilt. Finding a way to work that out would most likely eliminate a lot of 'symptoms' I am having. Maybe?

I want to do this really quickly. I made the decision to get off Suboxone almost 3 weeks ago. Part of my addict behavior is to require that instant gratification. In this case the absence of Suboxone in my daily life is the gratification. The truth is I have zero desire to live the day to day of it. I suppose there are obvious lessons in walking through the taper as opposed to a sedated rapid detox that I dream about. 

So grateful for my blog as an outlet. I wonder most hours of the day if I am the only one who is like this. 

My final thought is that sobriety on a Friday night is a complete obstacle to climb all on it's own. My phone is not plugged in, so that I do not have to be faced with the choice. 

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