Day 1- To Quit or Not to quit

You know... that point in the never ending cycle of pain numbing where a flicker of hope sparks inside you?

This happened to me yesterday when I met a new Dr. A hypnotherapist who insists that changing the core thought deep down inside me will help me stay sober and be free of opiates.

The core thought is that I want to kill myself. Slowly. Miserably. I have to stop hating myself.

There are some days when I like living, but the majority of the days are the ones that cast a shadow on any hope of a happy life.

I mean, how can I even look in the mirror at myself when day after day, year after year, I satiate the desire to be sober with some form of narcotic. A narcotic that I secretly love. I really don't wanna give it up. Or do I?

I find myself trapped.

The real dirty truth is one only another user like me can understand.

Today I am excited though. Not only do I feel ready to quit Suboxone, but I think I can do it in a week!!!! A decision has been made- so why take a long road to get through it?

lol.

I know what is to come. This time it will be different? This time it will be different. I went from 2 8mg tabs a day to a 1/2 a pill today. The excitement seems to be getting me through any pain I might think I am enduring.

But deep down I know it won't take a week.

Not if I want to do this right.

Here's hoping!