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Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Day 29-Stormy Weather


I am writing this 29 days into quitting taking opiates. Last pill at appx 12 noon. a quarter of a tab. Followed by an immediate appt at my Dr's office. 
It feels like I am in the middle of the storm, but i have a feeling that I am nowhere near the eye. In fact, I believe I am merely approaching the cusp of the eye. 
Good things and harder things are happening on a daily basis. Notice I said harder things.... not bad things. Yeah Yeah Yeah I am not loving those happy, bouncy, sunshiny day types right now, but I will tell you something valuable that I have learned through this process. 

Up to this point, I have found that one of the most valuable commodities to getting op-sobed, is attitude. Yes there is sick and sad and restless legs. Defeat of mind, sick souled, worn weary feelings of despair, but beyond all of those things if you are able to reach out and take some new risks it will take you some place. 

Things are happening that I never believed. On 'H', not only did I feel dead, I was more than 100% sure I'd be underground by now. I hated myself for that. Sometimes still do, but I am paving a new way filled with hope. 

Wow.

30 Days!!!

I love that I am down to about 1/4 of a pill a day. There is of course, disappintment in not being cold turkey the last few ds. I am trying to look at it from the standpoint of aim high and if I miss it's alright. We can never dream too big.

The fact that I haven't given up or gone back to street dope is extremely exciting for me. 

The fact that I haven't given up or gone back to street drugs is extremely terrifying for me. 

My brain wages war between those two statements knowing that the nature of the beast is always to attack.

In this circumstance the beast is my addiction. 

I am not without w/d symptoms. Restless legs are the most hated. Along with nausea and depression. These are my top 3. I am positive that preparation has been my ally for the past month. By that I mean physical and emotional preparation. 

I wll outline more about how I have been doing this in a simplified manner for those of you who might want to detox.

thanks to my readers, (assuming I have one) and keep cheering me on and keeping me in your good thoughts please!
Don't forget to share with those in need.

~J'Elle

Sunday, April 27, 2014

27th Day on This Train

Well, 27 days into my Suboxone taper and what a ride it has been. Experiencing every emotion that I can think of, it's most definitely a whirlwind! 

Today I struggled more with the upset stomach, major depression, and the RLS was starting to get a bit nuts! (RLS=restless leg syndrome) 

Here's how my day went:

12pm (ish): Forced self to sit in sun. Lasted about 3 minutes.

1:30pm: Picked up my guitar and jammed out some notes for about 5 minutes.

2pm: Friend called and took me to lunch and then Starbucks. Lifesaver!!!

4:30: Started freaking out & dragged myself on a 10 minute walk.

7pm: Picked up some Clonidine from the Pharmacy

8:30: Watched a movie / my Dad, took some Clonidine and a small piece of Suboxone. (appx .5mg) :-(

Single most motivating thing today: fellow ex-junkie asking me if I'd be able to get up and find energy for a free kilo that would be a 5 mile walk away. WOW! Talk about putting things into perspective. Mind over matter baby! That is SO much of it!

I am not going to be too hard on myself. I am in a good place at the moment. Tomorrow I will keep going. My motto right now is one day at a time. Hoping to go 48 hours with no Subs and then take it from there. Quite honestly, with al the crazy thoughts that ran through my head today, I am glad I did not pick up the phone and have a full blown stupid relapse. This is tough!!!! Not giving up yet. ~J'Elle

Friday, April 25, 2014

Day 26

I am a believer in God and the Bible. I am most definitely not here to preach to anyone or attempt a conversion. Believing in god is simply a part of who I am, and my relationship with him is a tool that I use in my life, specifically in my recovery. 


In all honesty, if you look at the bible you can retain plenty of factual and practical life habits whether or not you believe spiritually. 

I have an actual point. Today I went cold turkey off of Suboxone, and so far it's believing there is something better on the other side of this hell I am enduring that carries me. God knows I do not have the strength to carry myself all day every day. 

I will be honest and say I do not know how much further I can go. Sometimes it literally is hour by hour. Telling myself I do not need to call the dope man minute by minute. 

If it gets THAT bad, I hope I will remember I have Suboxone at the pharmacy instead of calling the dope man. For an addict it doesn't always work that way in our messy little brains. 


Wednesday, April 23, 2014

24th Day of My Suboxone Taper

Our minds are a powerful thing. I am content in my decision to cold turkey the rest of the way as of Friday. 

However, fear and doubt of myself consume my brain. Failure haunts me. Sobriety seems so out of reach. For the 18 months I have been on Suboxone, I considered myself 'sober'. As time has passed, knowledge has increased, and my moods dependence has relied on my medication I realize it is not 100% sobriety. 

I still hold to the fact that Suboxone saved my life. Served as a gateway from heroin to freedom. Suboxone provided the time I needed to gain more mental stability. The counseling and medical attention I needed has further helped me along, and without the medication I doubt I would have made it this far. 

I filled my 24th day with reading, walks, yoga, and writing. I spent time on a recovery forum networking with other drug addicts and opiate users. We are not alone. 

Day 24 was hard and hopeful. I am sure the days ahead will be harder, but each day that passes I think a little more hope comes. Hope for freedom from the trap I loathe so much. 


Day 23- One Cold Turkey Coming Up!

 Today I asked my Dr. what he thought about me going cold turkey. I am down from 2 pills a day to less than 1 pill a day in three weeks. Physically I am already starting to go through the withdrawals, and I feel like continuing to taper will simply prolong the misery. 

We agreed on Friday being the day that I go cold turkey. This gives me a few days to mentally prepare myself. I know that I need a support system in place on many levels for this to happen. 

I went most of the day on only 1/4 of a pill. When I took a 1/2 a pill tonight it made me feel so much better. What an aggravating feeling! To know that we are so dependent on a little expensive pill. I am so over it. 

I know this will be the fight of all fights. Today I read many stories of people who have been through this. My hearts breaks over it. 

If there is anyone that reads this post, please let me know if you have any words of wisdom about the cold turkey thing. I am finding that the online junkie community provides more support for me than almost anything else!

Thanks for reading. Share this with someone if you know they want to quit Subs. Also, take the time to read my http://opiatetrap@blogspot.com blog if you are interested in what a junkie life does to a soul. 

Much love.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Craving Change Day 23

There comes a point for all of us when we crave change. By crave, I mean a desire so potent that it comes from a place deep inside of us, a desire we can't extinguish no matter how much we sleep. 

I find that when I am at this point I have two choices. I give up, or I insert actions powerful enough to move me away from the sameness that haunts my days. 

This craving is what lit the spark in me to get completely away from opiates. I found a doctor and counselor qualified and determined to teach me how I could make the permanent changes necessary to stay sober over a lifetime. I opened this blog as an outlet for my feelings, and as a source of inspiration for others who want to be free of opiates.  

Three weeks into my new fight I find myself craving even more than this. I have lost my focus over the last week. My joy is being overpowered by negative thoughts and days filled living on the edge of dope sickness and depression. 

I see my doctor in a few more hours. I plan to ask him if at this point of taking less than 1 pill a day, should I go ahead and go cold turkey for the rest? Throw all of the withdrawal into a few days, and get on with my life. I honestly do not know what his answer will be. I wish I had access to ex-junkies for some guidance. 

Nevertheless, my first step today was to pray. Next to write, and then I'll force myself on a walk and to do some yoga. Maybe I can jump start my endorphins that way.  know that if I want my circumstances to change I have to change what I do during my day. This will be the part of the fight where I literally have to drag myself through the motions and pray for results. I know that I won't change if I lay around sad all day, so nothing I do can be worse than how I have felt all week. 

The goal is to stay sober and away from a street drug relapse. Thanks to the few of you who are reading and sending me comments. Believe it or not, those few words send me more hope than you can imagine. I am posting this entry on both of my blogs this morning. http://suboxonestopping@blogspot.com & http://opiatetrap@blogspot.com I'll update later on how the day went. 


Monday, April 21, 2014

Day 22-Will It Ever End?

Today I started out by looking at my situation and wanting to give it a more practical approach. This is how I dealt with it when I decided to get off of Suboxone. As it has gotten more difficult over the last week, I have been very out of whack. 

Years ago I began to look at problems like a war. My life as the battlefield, my problems the enemy, and my coping skills were my armor. 


I realized that if unarmed when attacked by my problems, I will surely lose the war. 


By the end of today, feeling sick, depressed and hopeless, I am ready to surrender. I can only hope this means I am closer to feeling better. Why are things so hard when we are right in the middle of them. 

I am sick with myself for ever being a drug addict. I realize more than ever that I better sharpen my coping skills fast. I'm hardly rational and wonder what life will be like when opiates are a thing of the past.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Day 21: Week 3 Officially Over

I AM PROUD TO SAY I HAVE STAYED ON THIS TRACK WITHOUT GIVING UP OR A RELAPSE FOR OFFICIALLY 3 WEEKS. 

TOMORROW I SEE DR D AGAIN, AND I HOPE TO SET A PLAN IN PLACE THAT HAS ME OFF OF OPIATES IN 2 MORE WEEKS. I JUST CANT SEE PROLONGING THIS FOR MUCH LONGER. IF THE WORST IS STILL TO COME I WANT TO GET IT OVER WITH AND GET ON WITH MY LIFE. 

A LONG WALK AND AN EVENING WITH FAMILY MADE THIS DAY BETTER. 

Day 21 & Easter

I am weary from struggle. Tired from the focus that drugs bring during both the using period, and the recovery period. Some days I have Wonder Woman sized strength to take it on, others I have no strength at all. 

Today marks the 3 week mark for my Suboxone taper. I had a little reminder this morning that came just in the nick of time. 

It reminded me why I started this blog. Not only for me, but for anyone who may need the courage to try to get free of opiates. I know that I cannot go backwards in time. I can only take another step toward being completely sober from opiates. 

While that seems like such an impossible feat, I know there are others who have done it. I am trying to be grateful today that I am doing it by choice. I could be drying out in a jail cell or mental institution and believe me that wasn't too far away from where I was as a junkie. 

Thanks for reading and Happy Easter!

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Day 20 Is Finally Over

I apologize in advance for the negativity in this post but I want to be honest. 

Most of the day I was in a rotten mood. Although I do not get a 'high' feeling from taking Suboxone, it's clearly something. Not taking the usual amount is making me feel like I am void of any happiness. I know that if I took my full 2 pills then the bad mood wood most likely go away. 

Not only is that irritating but a reminder that I HATE being a slave to opiates. It confuses me that I switch back and forth from I want to give up to I will keep on this track. If I am in the midst of being fully aware of what opiates are doing to me, you would think giving up would be the last thing on my mind. 

I guess if anyone looks at my blog, then they will know I gave up when my posts stop. For now I'd like to keep going. After being halfway through the tapering process it seems a waste to quit. The scary part is knowing the horrible feeling I had today will increase as the Suboxone in body continues to decrease.

Day 21 is tomorrow. # weeks into my detox plan.  

A reminder to share this blog with a loved one or through social media to help reach the addicts who need a first step!


Day 20

Last night I read a post from a Mom about her son being on Suboxone, and the judgement from people around her. People telling her if he is on Suboxone he is not sober. I can't help but feel weak after reading things like that. I have said before that I believe Suboxone saved my life. On the other hand I do think it is best used as a tool to facilitate sobriety off of all opiates as opposed to a long term solution. 

I do not feel negatively abut anyone who stays on it. I know the hell of heroin and the life it brings. I have been on Suboxone over a year, and I am barely ready to get off of it. Every should do it in their own time in my opinion. It's pointless to do it at all until we are ready. 

Tapering sure is hard! I needed the timing to match up with my support system, and even having those things on point I want to give up many hours of the day. 

there's a salvation in reading ex-junkie blogs. It soothes me to see them on the otherside. It motivates me to keep going. Today I will take an hour at a time. I have not taken my Suboxone for the day yet. I'd like to hold out a few more hours if possible. 

Wish me luck. 

Friday, April 18, 2014

Made It Thru Day 19

A bit hard to believe I will admit. I do not like the feeling ill, tired, under the weather and depressed so much. I do however like that all the 'pain' means I am getting through this ordeal. A little closer each day. 
I did a 1/2 pill this afternoon, and a 1/4 in the early evening. So this week altered between 1/2 and 3/4.

I think the most difficult thing I go through is guilt. The guilt I feel over everything I have done, and that I need to do something like this to become a 'normal' person, really drags me down. 

I guess it is what it is, and since I can't fix the past it doesn't do me much good to stay in guilt. Finding a way to work that out would most likely eliminate a lot of 'symptoms' I am having. Maybe?

I want to do this really quickly. I made the decision to get off Suboxone almost 3 weeks ago. Part of my addict behavior is to require that instant gratification. In this case the absence of Suboxone in my daily life is the gratification. The truth is I have zero desire to live the day to day of it. I suppose there are obvious lessons in walking through the taper as opposed to a sedated rapid detox that I dream about. 

So grateful for my blog as an outlet. I wonder most hours of the day if I am the only one who is like this. 

My final thought is that sobriety on a Friday night is a complete obstacle to climb all on it's own. My phone is not plugged in, so that I do not have to be faced with the choice. 


Day 19 Part One

I had using dreams last night. A rehab counselor once told me that having using dreams means we are purging the drugs from our minds. I am not sure if this is true. I'd love to find out more about that. The effect they have on me is that I seem to feel sad when I wake.

My first order of business was to see Dr. D. He asked me yesterday to come in for an extra session of hypnosis since I have been a bit off track the last few days.

Essentially this is where I wear blinking glasses, headphones, and he talks me into a conscious level. Then he can say things like, "I am realizing how much I want to be free of opiates", or "I will take good care of myself."

I am sorry that my explanation does it NO justice. What I can say is that it works. I highly recommend doing some research on this topic. Hypnosis for addiction, quitting smoking, weight loss, or whatever. Something about reconstructing our feelings and words to ourselves when our brain is at a consciousness in which it can be effected.

I know my  Dr. has a success rate of above over 95% among thousands of patients.

Anyways, Day 19 started sad but took a hard right turn. I am still really struggling with my thoughts, depression, headaches, and anxiety, but I plan to go for a walk and spend a little time with family. I also plan to listen to the CD he burned for me from our session. I figure I have nothing to lose. I haven't taken my Suboxone yet. I plan to put it off as long as I can today. I am quite sure that is effecting my mood as well.

It's all about staying clean from street drugs another day, and continuing my taper off Suboxone.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Day 18

I slept in late today. My first decision was coffee. My 2nd decision was to cancel my day and get back in bed. 

Unfortunately for me, I made a commitment to model my eyes for a live web chat evaluation that my roommate needed to complete so she can start her new job. 

Thank God for that hidden blessing because by the end of it I had decided not to cancel my appointment with Dr. D.  

I decided on honesty being the best policy & let him know that my pill reduction from 3/4 to 1/2 was not going so well. I also admitted my overwhelming fear that my tapering is dangerously close to me being off of them for good. 

We made 2 decisions. 

1. My taper may be a bit fast, and to allow myself the flexibility of 1/2 or 3/4 for a few more days. 
2. To give my medication to a family member for dispersement. This seemingly should have been an obvious move, but I say better late than never. The cheating temptation only became overpowering the last few days. 

The decision to designate the pill control needed to be mine. Small victories...

LAstly I discussed my blog & the nervousness that comes w/ my candid experience, the fear of failure, & and the intense desire to reach out to suffering opiate addicts. 

Dr. D. encouraged me to continue writing, and as you can see I've decided today to keep it going. 

See ya on 19th day! 


Wednesday, April 16, 2014

End of day 17

Well my head is going to split open by now and I am attempting to go to sleep earlier than usual. Seeing the Doc tomorrow. Grateful for comments and suggestions I read from readers. I think that may be one of the most encouraging aspects of doing something like this. Remembering people have been where I am, and people who are trying to get to this point.

Day 17 Midday Check In

So far today is still going better than yesterday. This is my 3rd day taking half a pill. The one thing I hate is I have a headache that hurts worse than any one I have ever had before. I do not know if this is a withdrawal symptom. I plan to try to find out. Nothing will relieve it.

I also feel extremely run down today. I have zero energy and it's hard getting anything done.

Any comments about symptoms would be appreciated.

Day 17- A New Day

I thought I would post my day 17 journal early today. I am almost caught up on typing the handwritten journals, and have been able to write direct onto the blog the last 3 days. Small victories add up!

The negativity consuming my thoughts at bedtime soon transformed into nightmares followed by guilt from blogging that negativity out into the universe. 

I started to delete it, but I remembered I am only human. Certainly not a perfect human. If my ability to be candid about my withdrawal process is thwarted by insecurities, it feels like a pointless gesture to share.  

I woke up bright and early! As my alarm began to beep at 8:00am, (early for me) I heard the voice of my sweet housemate calling out for me to get up. I left my house for a nice long walk, and the fresh air did me wonders. 

As much as I detest getting up early to walk, it's nice to start the day with a victory. The air cleared my thoughts and I refocused my Suboxone tapering goals. Bringing it back to simple terms worked for me today. 

I only have to worry about now. At lunch time I can worry about lunch time, and tonight I can worry about tonight. Worrying about tomorrow accomplishes one thing- putting me in a mindset to give up. If I wake up tomorrow, I can worry at that time. 

I have gone from 2 8mg pills a day to half of an 8mg pill a day. 
Thats a 14mg decrease! I have something to be proud of, and I've decided to allow myself to feel good about that for a moment. 

I am TERRIFIED of the next step because that step means this journey is almost over and I have not lived opiate free in a very very long time. 

We shall see where I am at the end of today. For anyone reading this who is thinking about quitting opiates. Take that first step! That's all you need. We don't even have to worry about what comes next just yet.  

Day 16- Ready to Give Up

Feelings come and go, so I am trying to discipline myself to commit to something regardless of how I feel. Today I feel as if I will not stop using. SOme parts of the day I even think I don't want to stop.

Why the hell wouldn't I want to stop after the traumatic, miserable,  death of a life I've been in?

I need to remember this is why drugs are a trap! They want you to love them so they make you high, That is the trap.

Going to ride out this self defeating emotion and wake up tomorrow to day 17.

Day 15- Maybe there is hope

Saw Dr. D today. I am starting to not only layout a tangible plan for a better future, but some of the things are already happening. Including this blog. No one may ever read it, but I hope that' not the case.
I know how bad people are hurting because I have been one of those people. A change NEEDS to take place! Why are the numbers of people in the world who self medicate increasing?

I am a nobody. Who is nowhere. The funny thing is, I have been everywhere, and I can only hope my greatest hope, that through the shit I have trampled through someone might find hope in their own self.

If I can get off of suboxone and stay off, I know anyone can. I know I am not the first or last woman to say that.

If you are wanting off of opiates. Heroin. Watch my stoppingsuboxone@blogspot.com for taper updates.

There is a way to use Suboxone as a tool to reach sobriety. It must be a temporary tool. I am hoping to show you it can happen!

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Day 7-one week and still going!

Today I saw Dr. D, and it was my least favorite session. I know that this is my fault. I am incredibly sad and not loving the opiate tapering.

The cycle of wanting to be free and trying to free yourself resembles being stuck in a dark box with no where to move. All you want is a breath of fresh air.

I did some hypnosis while at the doc. Basically I set up in a restful chair, and get coached into a restful state. I am not quite asleep, and I can remember the things being said to me in that state. A lot of concentration on my goals and dreams for the future. Also hearing that even though I am in pain from withdrawal, I know that the pain means I am closer to my destination of being opiate free. That is such a vague description of what happens during these sessions, but I am not sure yet how to explain it.

I always feel better after a dr visit that's for sure!

Day 6

Well I feel about the same as the last few days, except starting to feel good about the fact that I have been sticking to this almost a week.
Still feels hopeless. I started a new obsession today on what opiates do to your brain.

Having no endorphins is a rotten feeling. Seeing the Doc tomorrow.

Day 4 & 5

It's not as easy as it seems, but I am still trucking through it. I am at 1 full pill a day- so it feels like a setback. Essentially my total dose has been halved.

What I do know from today and yesterday is that I am reminded in full throttle how much I hate being a slave to a stupid little pill.

Day 3 of Sub tapers!

I listen to the CD Dr. D made me. I feel no real sorrow or joy today.

Possibly the effect of my body realizing I have stopped injecting it with overloads of happy endorphins?

On the bright side- it's day 3 of my taper and I am staying at 8 mgs so far. So I have cut the Suboxone in half.

Waiting for day 4....

Day 2- It's a start..

Today was day 2 of seeing Dr. D. It was my first experience undergoing hypnotism. Only mildly aware f what to expect, I held out faith that the effect would be positive and not some hocus pocus weird magical type shenanigan. I thoroughly enjoyed it in his office. I laid in a comfortable recliner. Covered in a blanket and wearing glasses with flashing lights as well as head phones.

I came to--at the end and physically felt as though I had popped a few Valium. The physical sensation in my body embodied that of a strong tranquilizer.

Instructed to practice the ritual at home, I reluctantly played the Audio CD that he copied for me from our in office session.

The motivation came… never. I simply have made a choice to commit regardless of what erratic emotion I may be going through.

The session I did on my own reconciled the same results. My stress level dramatically decreased. However, I felt scared during the entire thing. At times I was able to completely block out the thoughts that someone would come into my house. The lack of control that cme with eyes being closed, and sound limited to earbuds stirred uneasiness. I overall successfully completed the session and have no regrets.

Excited and optimistic for tomorrow! My goal is to go into my day hoping to avoid taking my suboxone. I have decided that since I am not 'officially' on the weaning process I will allow myself ONE total from midnight 3-28 until midnight 3-29 as to keep from any emotional outbursts or feelings of desperation. It is simply an attempt to feel out the play by play of what's to come.

Day 1- To Quit or Not to quit

You know... that point in the never ending cycle of pain numbing where a flicker of hope sparks inside you?

This happened to me yesterday when I met a new Dr. A hypnotherapist who insists that changing the core thought deep down inside me will help me stay sober and be free of opiates.

The core thought is that I want to kill myself. Slowly. Miserably. I have to stop hating myself.

There are some days when I like living, but the majority of the days are the ones that cast a shadow on any hope of a happy life.

I mean, how can I even look in the mirror at myself when day after day, year after year, I satiate the desire to be sober with some form of narcotic. A narcotic that I secretly love. I really don't wanna give it up. Or do I?

I find myself trapped.

The real dirty truth is one only another user like me can understand.

Today I am excited though. Not only do I feel ready to quit Suboxone, but I think I can do it in a week!!!! A decision has been made- so why take a long road to get through it?

lol.

I know what is to come. This time it will be different? This time it will be different. I went from 2 8mg tabs a day to a 1/2 a pill today. The excitement seems to be getting me through any pain I might think I am enduring.

But deep down I know it won't take a week.

Not if I want to do this right.

Here's hoping!