I suppose I should have expected a lot of change and redirecting my goals when I started this detox. (Mental note to those of you preparing to quit) I don't even think I can call it detox at this point anymore. I am all over the place in my addiction to opiates at this point.My goals constantly change and the changes are usually based on my present feelings or emotions. I did quite a bit of prep work physically, mentally, and got quite educated before I began this. It's amazing that even after 9 months of consistent daily habits, they break just that easy if we let them.
Please check out my post this morning on my Opiate Trap Blog.It is a check in after being absent from posting my daily experiences.
http://opiatetrap.blogspot.com/2014/07/does-it-really-matter.html
What is one to do when Suboxone Stopping becomes an entirely different thing? Do I continue to log about it. Maybe I should start a new blog?
Please share your thoughts here, and on the Opiate Trap Blog.
Peace ~J'Elle
Showing posts with label relapse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relapse. Show all posts
Monday, July 28, 2014
Monday, May 12, 2014
43 Days out of a Lifetime
After not wanting to turn on my computer for almost 3 days, I booted up. To my surprise I had lots of emails. Comments from an addicts mother, other junkies, and other people I didn't know...people with no obligation to my recovery.
The sight of those things brought the first tears my eyes have been able to produce in weeks. I cried uncontrollably as I read the words typed into cyberspace by strangers who offered their genuine support. Even when I hate myself and think I am doomed-someone is thinking of me. Someone has cried these same tears, bled these same wounds, and felt hopeless in front of me. I am not the first girl lying desperate at the mercy of the devil disguised as heroin. My father is not the 1st who holds onto hope while he watches his pride and joy agonize over something too foreign for him to understand.
43 days seems like forever sometimes. 43 days also seems like nothing. There are so many ways to put recovery and the act of becoming sober into perspective.
The lack of sleep from the past week or so must have caught up to me, because I slept most from Saturday/early Sunday until about 1pm today. I woke up a few hours here and there...
Saturday I was so upset with this whole subject I flushed the Suboxone I had left and took the choice of that relief away from myself. Unfortunately I still have some at the pharmacy.
Somehow I was able to get thru about 48 hours without a pill. When I woke up today I started screaming like a child. I slammed my pillow at the wall and my father- who graciously has been staying at my house to support me thru this asked if I was ok. I screamed that I hated being awake! Why can't I just stay asleep!!
The only thing worse to me than feeling that way, is seeing the pain in my father's eyes. This man has taught me what unconditional love is. He has never blamed me, judged me, guilted me, or put me down. He IS the reason I ever made it off of the street and even tried getting sober.
Somedays it seems like other addicts have it easier, or don't go thru the same things as me. I know this is a bratty thing to say, but I didn't open this blog to sugarcoat my thoughts. I am pretty sure I am not the only one that thinks they are not meant to have a good sober life.
We refilled 3 more Suboxone and after about 51 hours without one I took appx 1.5mg. I do not feel great about it, but it is what it is. I made up my mind that I was going to find a way to score some dope, so I negotiated myself into taking meds instead.
I asked my father to not give me another piece for at least 24 more hours. I am praying I will turn that 24 hours into 48hr. Maybe that 48hrs will become a week...and maybe I will smile again someday soon.
Sincerely thanking those who have reached out to me..~J
The sight of those things brought the first tears my eyes have been able to produce in weeks. I cried uncontrollably as I read the words typed into cyberspace by strangers who offered their genuine support. Even when I hate myself and think I am doomed-someone is thinking of me. Someone has cried these same tears, bled these same wounds, and felt hopeless in front of me. I am not the first girl lying desperate at the mercy of the devil disguised as heroin. My father is not the 1st who holds onto hope while he watches his pride and joy agonize over something too foreign for him to understand.
43 days seems like forever sometimes. 43 days also seems like nothing. There are so many ways to put recovery and the act of becoming sober into perspective.
The lack of sleep from the past week or so must have caught up to me, because I slept most from Saturday/early Sunday until about 1pm today. I woke up a few hours here and there...
Saturday I was so upset with this whole subject I flushed the Suboxone I had left and took the choice of that relief away from myself. Unfortunately I still have some at the pharmacy.
Somehow I was able to get thru about 48 hours without a pill. When I woke up today I started screaming like a child. I slammed my pillow at the wall and my father- who graciously has been staying at my house to support me thru this asked if I was ok. I screamed that I hated being awake! Why can't I just stay asleep!!
The only thing worse to me than feeling that way, is seeing the pain in my father's eyes. This man has taught me what unconditional love is. He has never blamed me, judged me, guilted me, or put me down. He IS the reason I ever made it off of the street and even tried getting sober.
Somedays it seems like other addicts have it easier, or don't go thru the same things as me. I know this is a bratty thing to say, but I didn't open this blog to sugarcoat my thoughts. I am pretty sure I am not the only one that thinks they are not meant to have a good sober life.
We refilled 3 more Suboxone and after about 51 hours without one I took appx 1.5mg. I do not feel great about it, but it is what it is. I made up my mind that I was going to find a way to score some dope, so I negotiated myself into taking meds instead.
I asked my father to not give me another piece for at least 24 more hours. I am praying I will turn that 24 hours into 48hr. Maybe that 48hrs will become a week...and maybe I will smile again someday soon.
Sincerely thanking those who have reached out to me..~J
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Day 38- Really Struggling at This Point
My brain is so fudged up I can barely think clearly. All my rational motivation for myself is out the window. I am terrified. BUT I still want to quit.
I really need some advice. First off I feel ridiculously weak b/c I wanted to cold turkey like 2 weeks ago.
I gave myself a break due to my short amount of taper days.
Here I sit in the same exact position. It's like I am dragging out the feeling Sh!**y feeling that comes with w/d's. The small piece I take here n there does nothing but prolong the time I'm not clean.
My sleep is all jacked up, I am super frustrated, exhausted, and today I pulled a junkie move. Refilled 3 pills at the pharmacy like usual. I usually cut them up into 1 or 2 mg pieces & give the bottle to family to hold so I won't be tempted. Today I cut them up into enuf pieces so it looked like I didn't take much- but I took like 3 or 4 pieces. Prolly equivalent to just less than 1 full pill.
I wanted that feeling of relief that comes with stopping w/d & I got relief. Temporarily. Maybe a few hours and that's only b/c I've been on such a low dose.
Totally not worth the guilt and disappointment that it left me with.
I can't seem to clear my head enough to wrap it around the decision to STOP TAKING THEM! I block it out when I even start to think.
Sometimes I feel like if I didn't have any more pills left to refill that will be the only way to stop. But I was told today I have more. :-(
So I need a plan. Do I come clean w/ my fam, and tell them not to give me any? Do I get it done this weekend? Or do I keep taking them until I feel ready to stop? I need some direction. Some words of wisdom, or someone to make me a plan bc I am dropping the ball!
I do not know where all this fear is coming from. I was doing well for the first month. But the thought of not taking them... omg I can't picture how to get there anymore.
If ever there was a day I need support and advice it's today.
Preventing Relapse
I plan to merge blogs soon for easier access. In the mean time-check out my relapse prevention theory!
Part 2: http://opiatetrap.blogspot.com/2014/05/preventingrelapse2.blogspot.com.html
Part 1: http://opiatetrap.blogspot.com/2014/05/preventingrelapse.blogspot.com
Part 2: http://opiatetrap.blogspot.com/2014/05/preventingrelapse2.blogspot.com.html
Part 1: http://opiatetrap.blogspot.com/2014/05/preventingrelapse.blogspot.com
Monday, May 5, 2014
Gonna Vent NOT Use-Day 33
One of the things I dislike about myself is that when the going gets tough, I lose all motivation & stop doing the things I love.
This was a hard weekend. I could barely bring myself to move let alone write... Boo Hoo right?
I will be the first to say I'll never change unless I CHANGE!
I mustered up the effort to post my feelings on an incredible recovery forum I've been a part of. My post for day 33 will simply be the content from that thread.
Hope you enjoy!
ME: I am at the tail end of my Suboxone detox. Prolly only have a few days left.
I find on this Saturday night instead of leg cramps, depression and nausea, I'd prefer a needle or a pipe. No discrimination..I'll take whatever I can find.
This is my attempt to start changing my dirty habits.
I find that when I relapse it usually happens like this:
-have the thought of getting high
-obsess on it
-glorify it until I convince myself
-refuse to think of anything else except how to score until I do it
So, I know that in posting here I am forced to type it out which requires thinking about the millions of bad things instead of the one good thing. (the glorified 5 second good thing.)
For me, H has been the most difficult to put behind me. Thanks for letting mw vent. I think deep down I don't really want to.
Comment 1: No, DEEP down, You DON'T want to - it's just that crazy old mind song playing in the head again. But it's NOT you - can you see it play ? There's you watching it , hearing it, there's You and the old song playing- they're separate. Stay with the REAL you - find the quiet within, even for for a few seconds here and a few seconds there. Step out of the mind and find that quiet "space "within- rest there . Be at ease, breath.... It'll pass. Trust.
I rented pay per per view and watched Netflix all night.. since I am sleeping little to none right now.. Stayed clean.
This was a hard weekend. I could barely bring myself to move let alone write... Boo Hoo right?
I will be the first to say I'll never change unless I CHANGE!
I mustered up the effort to post my feelings on an incredible recovery forum I've been a part of. My post for day 33 will simply be the content from that thread.
Hope you enjoy!
ME: I am at the tail end of my Suboxone detox. Prolly only have a few days left.
I find on this Saturday night instead of leg cramps, depression and nausea, I'd prefer a needle or a pipe. No discrimination..I'll take whatever I can find.
This is my attempt to start changing my dirty habits.
I find that when I relapse it usually happens like this:
-have the thought of getting high
-obsess on it
-glorify it until I convince myself
-refuse to think of anything else except how to score until I do it
So, I know that in posting here I am forced to type it out which requires thinking about the millions of bad things instead of the one good thing. (the glorified 5 second good thing.)
For me, H has been the most difficult to put behind me. Thanks for letting mw vent. I think deep down I don't really want to.
Comment 1: No, DEEP down, You DON'T want to - it's just that crazy old mind song playing in the head again. But it's NOT you - can you see it play ? There's you watching it , hearing it, there's You and the old song playing- they're separate. Stay with the REAL you - find the quiet within, even for for a few seconds here and a few seconds there. Step out of the mind and find that quiet "space "within- rest there . Be at ease, breath.... It'll pass. Trust.
Comment 2: Type more than a couple paragraphs. Type out the whole story of your past using days. Do it in OneNote or somewhere if you don't want it online. You've got to remember how bad it really was instead of falling into the circular seeking behavior.
Comment 3:
Deep down you don't really want to
That's not you talking ........
That's not you talking ........
Comment 4: I am glad you posted this. My thought process was pretty much the exact same, but I never actually wrote it out. It is great that you have identified it so you can do something about it. How do you plan to battle the cravings and to stop it before it gets to number 4 on your list?
Comment 5: How about interrupt it at #1 ? It is the thought of using which is the signal to intervene. What are you feeling just before those thoughts come ? Are you feeling overwhelmed by something in your current situation ? Are you feeling trapped in some way ? Or helpless? I read that addiction is only a symptom of an unlying feeling of powerlessness/trapped helplessness and for long-term soberity to stick, you need to identify the real issues driving the need to escape. Do you feel any of these emotions,friend ? If so, what can you change to lessen those feelings? What empowering action(s) can you take?
My Response: - I am really scared of screwing up again is at the root of it. Been 12 or more years without going a week clean.. I always get sober and relapse. Some minutes I feel great like I can do it this time, next minute I am like wtf why am I trying.
I rented pay per per view and watched Netflix all night.. since I am sleeping little to none right now.. Stayed clean.
Comment 6: That's SO awesome - you rode it out and it passed !!! You should pat yourself on the bat - or at least do it for me ! Just take it one day at a time - that's enough. Don't worry about tomorrow - you never have to handle more than today. Forget the rest and when the mind story gets going , catch it and stop it. Keep reminding your mind that today is enough and try to see if you can find some ease in just staying present . It's a real challenge, I know, but it's a challenge that will help you on so many levels. And the more clean days you stack, the easier it'll be to do this and other other positive things. Just keep it simple - today is all you need to take care of. Keep moving forward,, Lady - you passed yesterday's test - you can pass today's!
To be honest, I have been lonely as hell during the last 2 years of using, and the longer I try to get sober the lonelier I get. I can imagine hell should be so isolating. I could count on one hand the people interested in what's up with me- and there was a day I had more friends than I knew what to do with. That's another topic though...hard for people to wanna be friends with a junkie loser.
Last night- those complete junkie and ex-junkie STRANGERS gave a crap enough to give me those no BS replies. I did not expect a response at all. I figured people would glance and roll through.
Amazing that in the world we live in where junkies are trash and the sober people are 'good', that an addict cares enough to rise up and help a total stranger day after day! It's amazing. It was amazing not to feel alone when I logged on and saw that people cared if I never logged on again...
I posted this on http://opiatetrap.blogspot.com as well. It is important to me that one person who is hopeless and alone might benefit from seeing that they can reach out. It is worth the post if even one person reaches out for help. I am only one person, and I lived through many nights where I was lucky to see the next morning. Seeing hope may have made a difference..?
I posted this on http://opiatetrap.blogspot.com as well. It is important to me that one person who is hopeless and alone might benefit from seeing that they can reach out. It is worth the post if even one person reaches out for help. I am only one person, and I lived through many nights where I was lucky to see the next morning. Seeing hope may have made a difference..?
Thursday, May 1, 2014
31 Days~ Really J'Elle??
"Really J'Elle?"
Boy do those two words go thru my head multiple times a day.
Picture yourself floating idly in the air. Unable to move from one spot, body tense on the inside and limp on the outside. One hand lifted forward in front of you as though you are reaching for something...almost able to touch it with your dainty fingertips. Paralyzed in fear that if you stretch your hand the teeny tiny last centimeter it needs to stretch in order to reach the object of your affection, that you might lose flight and fall to the ground. Your body shattering like glass into a million pieces from that last small movement. You also know that if you don't strive for that last reach, you might flail aimlessly forever, stuck and stoic.
Sobriety flirts in my reach. The object of my affection taunting and teasing me. The hopeful love that will be my happily ever after. If happily ever after existed.
In my dream state of semi-sobriety from my prescription air-bag, I am in shock. There is no where left to go except off of the pills. Despite all of the aches and pains this has been easier than I remember in my last couple of attempts to quit opiates.
Could I have found a way out of the opiate trap? "Are you REALLY doing this J'Elle?"
I took a 1/4 tab again this morning and have a half of a pill left. Day 31 of stopping Suboxone.
I believe with ALL my heart that if I can do this, anyone can. Dysfunctional, sabotaging everything good, relapse professional J'Elle; making a new life at 35 years old.
I guess we will see.
Boy do those two words go thru my head multiple times a day.
Picture yourself floating idly in the air. Unable to move from one spot, body tense on the inside and limp on the outside. One hand lifted forward in front of you as though you are reaching for something...almost able to touch it with your dainty fingertips. Paralyzed in fear that if you stretch your hand the teeny tiny last centimeter it needs to stretch in order to reach the object of your affection, that you might lose flight and fall to the ground. Your body shattering like glass into a million pieces from that last small movement. You also know that if you don't strive for that last reach, you might flail aimlessly forever, stuck and stoic.
Sobriety flirts in my reach. The object of my affection taunting and teasing me. The hopeful love that will be my happily ever after. If happily ever after existed.
In my dream state of semi-sobriety from my prescription air-bag, I am in shock. There is no where left to go except off of the pills. Despite all of the aches and pains this has been easier than I remember in my last couple of attempts to quit opiates.
Could I have found a way out of the opiate trap? "Are you REALLY doing this J'Elle?"
I took a 1/4 tab again this morning and have a half of a pill left. Day 31 of stopping Suboxone.
I believe with ALL my heart that if I can do this, anyone can. Dysfunctional, sabotaging everything good, relapse professional J'Elle; making a new life at 35 years old.
I guess we will see.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Day 26
I am a believer in God and the Bible. I am most definitely not here to preach to anyone or attempt a conversion. Believing in god is simply a part of who I am, and my relationship with him is a tool that I use in my life, specifically in my recovery.
In all honesty, if you look at the bible you can retain plenty of factual and practical life habits whether or not you believe spiritually.
I have an actual point. Today I went cold turkey off of Suboxone, and so far it's believing there is something better on the other side of this hell I am enduring that carries me. God knows I do not have the strength to carry myself all day every day.
I will be honest and say I do not know how much further I can go. Sometimes it literally is hour by hour. Telling myself I do not need to call the dope man minute by minute.
If it gets THAT bad, I hope I will remember I have Suboxone at the pharmacy instead of calling the dope man. For an addict it doesn't always work that way in our messy little brains.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Day 23- One Cold Turkey Coming Up!
Today I asked my Dr. what he thought about me going cold turkey. I am down from 2 pills a day to less than 1 pill a day in three weeks. Physically I am already starting to go through the withdrawals, and I feel like continuing to taper will simply prolong the misery.
We agreed on Friday being the day that I go cold turkey. This gives me a few days to mentally prepare myself. I know that I need a support system in place on many levels for this to happen.
I went most of the day on only 1/4 of a pill. When I took a 1/2 a pill tonight it made me feel so much better. What an aggravating feeling! To know that we are so dependent on a little expensive pill. I am so over it.
I know this will be the fight of all fights. Today I read many stories of people who have been through this. My hearts breaks over it.
If there is anyone that reads this post, please let me know if you have any words of wisdom about the cold turkey thing. I am finding that the online junkie community provides more support for me than almost anything else!
Thanks for reading. Share this with someone if you know they want to quit Subs. Also, take the time to read my http://opiatetrap@blogspot.com blog if you are interested in what a junkie life does to a soul.
Much love.
We agreed on Friday being the day that I go cold turkey. This gives me a few days to mentally prepare myself. I know that I need a support system in place on many levels for this to happen.
I went most of the day on only 1/4 of a pill. When I took a 1/2 a pill tonight it made me feel so much better. What an aggravating feeling! To know that we are so dependent on a little expensive pill. I am so over it.
I know this will be the fight of all fights. Today I read many stories of people who have been through this. My hearts breaks over it.
If there is anyone that reads this post, please let me know if you have any words of wisdom about the cold turkey thing. I am finding that the online junkie community provides more support for me than almost anything else!
Thanks for reading. Share this with someone if you know they want to quit Subs. Also, take the time to read my http://opiatetrap@blogspot.com blog if you are interested in what a junkie life does to a soul.
Much love.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Craving Change Day 23
There comes a point for all of us when we crave change. By crave, I mean a desire so potent that it comes from a place deep inside of us, a desire we can't extinguish no matter how much we sleep.
I find that when I am at this point I have two choices. I give up, or I insert actions powerful enough to move me away from the sameness that haunts my days.
This craving is what lit the spark in me to get completely away from opiates. I found a doctor and counselor qualified and determined to teach me how I could make the permanent changes necessary to stay sober over a lifetime. I opened this blog as an outlet for my feelings, and as a source of inspiration for others who want to be free of opiates.
Three weeks into my new fight I find myself craving even more than this. I have lost my focus over the last week. My joy is being overpowered by negative thoughts and days filled living on the edge of dope sickness and depression.
I see my doctor in a few more hours. I plan to ask him if at this point of taking less than 1 pill a day, should I go ahead and go cold turkey for the rest? Throw all of the withdrawal into a few days, and get on with my life. I honestly do not know what his answer will be. I wish I had access to ex-junkies for some guidance.
Nevertheless, my first step today was to pray. Next to write, and then I'll force myself on a walk and to do some yoga. Maybe I can jump start my endorphins that way. know that if I want my circumstances to change I have to change what I do during my day. This will be the part of the fight where I literally have to drag myself through the motions and pray for results. I know that I won't change if I lay around sad all day, so nothing I do can be worse than how I have felt all week.
The goal is to stay sober and away from a street drug relapse. Thanks to the few of you who are reading and sending me comments. Believe it or not, those few words send me more hope than you can imagine. I am posting this entry on both of my blogs this morning. http://suboxonestopping@blogspot.com & http://opiatetrap@blogspot.com I'll update later on how the day went.
I find that when I am at this point I have two choices. I give up, or I insert actions powerful enough to move me away from the sameness that haunts my days.
This craving is what lit the spark in me to get completely away from opiates. I found a doctor and counselor qualified and determined to teach me how I could make the permanent changes necessary to stay sober over a lifetime. I opened this blog as an outlet for my feelings, and as a source of inspiration for others who want to be free of opiates.
Three weeks into my new fight I find myself craving even more than this. I have lost my focus over the last week. My joy is being overpowered by negative thoughts and days filled living on the edge of dope sickness and depression.
I see my doctor in a few more hours. I plan to ask him if at this point of taking less than 1 pill a day, should I go ahead and go cold turkey for the rest? Throw all of the withdrawal into a few days, and get on with my life. I honestly do not know what his answer will be. I wish I had access to ex-junkies for some guidance.
Nevertheless, my first step today was to pray. Next to write, and then I'll force myself on a walk and to do some yoga. Maybe I can jump start my endorphins that way. know that if I want my circumstances to change I have to change what I do during my day. This will be the part of the fight where I literally have to drag myself through the motions and pray for results. I know that I won't change if I lay around sad all day, so nothing I do can be worse than how I have felt all week.
The goal is to stay sober and away from a street drug relapse. Thanks to the few of you who are reading and sending me comments. Believe it or not, those few words send me more hope than you can imagine. I am posting this entry on both of my blogs this morning. http://suboxonestopping@blogspot.com & http://opiatetrap@blogspot.com I'll update later on how the day went.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Day 22-Will It Ever End?
Today I started out by looking at my situation and wanting to give it a more practical approach. This is how I dealt with it when I decided to get off of Suboxone. As it has gotten more difficult over the last week, I have been very out of whack.
Years ago I began to look at problems like a war. My life as the battlefield, my problems the enemy, and my coping skills were my armor.
I realized that if unarmed when attacked by my problems, I will surely lose the war.
By the end of today, feeling sick, depressed and hopeless, I am ready to surrender. I can only hope this means I am closer to feeling better. Why are things so hard when we are right in the middle of them.
I am sick with myself for ever being a drug addict. I realize more than ever that I better sharpen my coping skills fast. I'm hardly rational and wonder what life will be like when opiates are a thing of the past.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Day 20 Is Finally Over
I apologize in advance for the negativity in this post but I want to be honest.
Most of the day I was in a rotten mood. Although I do not get a 'high' feeling from taking Suboxone, it's clearly something. Not taking the usual amount is making me feel like I am void of any happiness. I know that if I took my full 2 pills then the bad mood wood most likely go away.
Not only is that irritating but a reminder that I HATE being a slave to opiates. It confuses me that I switch back and forth from I want to give up to I will keep on this track. If I am in the midst of being fully aware of what opiates are doing to me, you would think giving up would be the last thing on my mind.
I guess if anyone looks at my blog, then they will know I gave up when my posts stop. For now I'd like to keep going. After being halfway through the tapering process it seems a waste to quit. The scary part is knowing the horrible feeling I had today will increase as the Suboxone in body continues to decrease.
Day 21 is tomorrow. # weeks into my detox plan.
A reminder to share this blog with a loved one or through social media to help reach the addicts who need a first step!
Most of the day I was in a rotten mood. Although I do not get a 'high' feeling from taking Suboxone, it's clearly something. Not taking the usual amount is making me feel like I am void of any happiness. I know that if I took my full 2 pills then the bad mood wood most likely go away.
Not only is that irritating but a reminder that I HATE being a slave to opiates. It confuses me that I switch back and forth from I want to give up to I will keep on this track. If I am in the midst of being fully aware of what opiates are doing to me, you would think giving up would be the last thing on my mind.
I guess if anyone looks at my blog, then they will know I gave up when my posts stop. For now I'd like to keep going. After being halfway through the tapering process it seems a waste to quit. The scary part is knowing the horrible feeling I had today will increase as the Suboxone in body continues to decrease.
Day 21 is tomorrow. # weeks into my detox plan.
A reminder to share this blog with a loved one or through social media to help reach the addicts who need a first step!
Friday, April 18, 2014
Made It Thru Day 19
A bit hard to believe I will admit. I do not like the feeling ill, tired, under the weather and depressed so much. I do however like that all the 'pain' means I am getting through this ordeal. A little closer each day.
I did a 1/2 pill this afternoon, and a 1/4 in the early evening. So this week altered between 1/2 and 3/4.
I think the most difficult thing I go through is guilt. The guilt I feel over everything I have done, and that I need to do something like this to become a 'normal' person, really drags me down.
I guess it is what it is, and since I can't fix the past it doesn't do me much good to stay in guilt. Finding a way to work that out would most likely eliminate a lot of 'symptoms' I am having. Maybe?
I want to do this really quickly. I made the decision to get off Suboxone almost 3 weeks ago. Part of my addict behavior is to require that instant gratification. In this case the absence of Suboxone in my daily life is the gratification. The truth is I have zero desire to live the day to day of it. I suppose there are obvious lessons in walking through the taper as opposed to a sedated rapid detox that I dream about.
So grateful for my blog as an outlet. I wonder most hours of the day if I am the only one who is like this.
My final thought is that sobriety on a Friday night is a complete obstacle to climb all on it's own. My phone is not plugged in, so that I do not have to be faced with the choice.
I did a 1/2 pill this afternoon, and a 1/4 in the early evening. So this week altered between 1/2 and 3/4.
I think the most difficult thing I go through is guilt. The guilt I feel over everything I have done, and that I need to do something like this to become a 'normal' person, really drags me down.
I guess it is what it is, and since I can't fix the past it doesn't do me much good to stay in guilt. Finding a way to work that out would most likely eliminate a lot of 'symptoms' I am having. Maybe?
I want to do this really quickly. I made the decision to get off Suboxone almost 3 weeks ago. Part of my addict behavior is to require that instant gratification. In this case the absence of Suboxone in my daily life is the gratification. The truth is I have zero desire to live the day to day of it. I suppose there are obvious lessons in walking through the taper as opposed to a sedated rapid detox that I dream about.
So grateful for my blog as an outlet. I wonder most hours of the day if I am the only one who is like this.
My final thought is that sobriety on a Friday night is a complete obstacle to climb all on it's own. My phone is not plugged in, so that I do not have to be faced with the choice.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Day 18
I slept in late today. My first decision was coffee. My 2nd decision was to cancel my day and get back in bed.
Unfortunately for me, I made a commitment to model my eyes for a live web chat evaluation that my roommate needed to complete so she can start her new job.
Thank God for that hidden blessing because by the end of it I had decided not to cancel my appointment with Dr. D.
I decided on honesty being the best policy & let him know that my pill reduction from 3/4 to 1/2 was not going so well. I also admitted my overwhelming fear that my tapering is dangerously close to me being off of them for good.
We made 2 decisions.
1. My taper may be a bit fast, and to allow myself the flexibility of 1/2 or 3/4 for a few more days.
2. To give my medication to a family member for dispersement. This seemingly should have been an obvious move, but I say better late than never. The cheating temptation only became overpowering the last few days.
The decision to designate the pill control needed to be mine. Small victories...
LAstly I discussed my blog & the nervousness that comes w/ my candid experience, the fear of failure, & and the intense desire to reach out to suffering opiate addicts.
Dr. D. encouraged me to continue writing, and as you can see I've decided today to keep it going.
See ya on 19th day!
Unfortunately for me, I made a commitment to model my eyes for a live web chat evaluation that my roommate needed to complete so she can start her new job.
Thank God for that hidden blessing because by the end of it I had decided not to cancel my appointment with Dr. D.
I decided on honesty being the best policy & let him know that my pill reduction from 3/4 to 1/2 was not going so well. I also admitted my overwhelming fear that my tapering is dangerously close to me being off of them for good.
We made 2 decisions.
1. My taper may be a bit fast, and to allow myself the flexibility of 1/2 or 3/4 for a few more days.
2. To give my medication to a family member for dispersement. This seemingly should have been an obvious move, but I say better late than never. The cheating temptation only became overpowering the last few days.
The decision to designate the pill control needed to be mine. Small victories...
LAstly I discussed my blog & the nervousness that comes w/ my candid experience, the fear of failure, & and the intense desire to reach out to suffering opiate addicts.
Dr. D. encouraged me to continue writing, and as you can see I've decided today to keep it going.
See ya on 19th day!
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