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Thursday, May 1, 2014

31 Days~ Really J'Elle??

"Really J'Elle?"

Boy do those two words go thru my head multiple times a day. 

Picture yourself floating idly in the air. Unable to move from one spot, body tense on the inside and limp on the outside. One hand lifted forward in front of you as though you are reaching for something...almost able to touch it with your dainty fingertips. Paralyzed in fear that if you stretch your hand the teeny tiny last centimeter it needs to stretch in order to reach the object of your affection, that you might lose flight and fall to the ground. Your body shattering like glass into a million pieces from that last small movement.  You also know that if you don't strive for that last reach, you might flail aimlessly forever, stuck and stoic.

Sobriety flirts in my reach. The object of my affection taunting and teasing me. The hopeful love that will be my happily ever after. If happily ever after existed. 

In my dream state of semi-sobriety from my prescription air-bag, I am in shock. There is no where left to go except off of the pills. Despite all of the aches and pains this has been easier than I remember in my last couple of attempts to quit opiates.

Could I have found a way out of the opiate trap? "Are you REALLY doing this J'Elle?"

I took a 1/4 tab again this morning and have a half of a pill left. Day 31 of stopping Suboxone. 

I believe with ALL my heart that if I can do this, anyone can. Dysfunctional, sabotaging everything good, relapse professional J'Elle; making a new life at 35 years old. 

I guess we will see. 

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