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Thursday, May 8, 2014

Day 38- Really Struggling at This Point

My brain is so fudged up I can barely think clearly. All my rational motivation for myself is out the window. I am terrified. BUT I still want to quit.

I really need some advice. First off I feel ridiculously weak b/c I wanted to cold turkey like 2 weeks ago. 

I gave myself a break due to my short amount of taper days.

Here I sit in the same exact position. It's like I am dragging out the feeling Sh!**y feeling that comes with w/d's. The small piece I take here n there does nothing but prolong the time I'm not clean.

My sleep is all jacked up, I am super frustrated, exhausted, and today I pulled a junkie move. Refilled 3 pills at the pharmacy like usual. I usually cut them up into 1 or 2 mg pieces & give the bottle to family to hold so I won't be tempted. Today I cut them up into enuf pieces so it looked like I didn't take much- but I took like 3 or 4 pieces. Prolly equivalent to just less than 1 full pill. 

I wanted that feeling of relief that comes with stopping w/d & I got relief. Temporarily. Maybe a few hours and that's only b/c I've been on such a low dose. 

Totally not worth the guilt and disappointment that it left me with.

I can't seem to clear my head enough to wrap it around the decision to STOP TAKING THEM! I block it out when I even start to think. 

Sometimes I feel like if I didn't have any more pills left to refill that will be the only way to stop. But I was told today I have more. :-( 

So I need a plan. Do I come clean w/ my fam, and tell them not to give me any? Do I get it done this weekend? Or do I keep taking them until I feel ready to stop? I need some direction. Some words of wisdom, or someone to make me a plan bc I am dropping the ball!  


I do not know where all this fear is coming from. I was doing well for the first month. But the thought of not taking them... omg I can't picture how to get there anymore. 

If ever there was a day I need support and advice it's today.

3 comments:

  1. Suggestion- For every negative statement you write. Write a positive one. A gratitude list. It'll keep your mind busy and off totally negative thinking....Maybe just enough to pull you out of the rut and boost you on over this rough area...

    And as always..sponsor for guidance.

    Jerry

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  2. Replies
    1. Wow. This sounds just like my son. Please read my most recent post. I just sent my son your blog link. Hopefully, he will contact you to encourage you. He's doing it! It's not been easy, but he's doing it. Bottom line, he hooked up on suboxone talk zone, in the forums, where he got a lot of advice from people who have been there, and done that. Forgive yourself, but please come clean with your family. My son had a setback, where he cut a small strip of suboxone. He beat himself up for doing it. At that point, he gave us he reserve supply and told us to not give it to him, no matter how hard he begged. He never begged. I'd rather he speak from his own experience, but my observation is that he stayed busy and active. He put down the controls to his online gaming, and exercised constantly, sat out in the sun and read a good book. He had good days and bad days. Week six, he's doing much better. You definitely need support, so I encourage you to try the link to suboxone talk zone and join the forum. It sure helped my son to get through this.

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