Thursday, May 8, 2014
Day 38- Really Struggling at This Point
My brain is so fudged up I can barely think clearly. All my rational motivation for myself is out the window. I am terrified. BUT I still want to quit.
I really need some advice. First off I feel ridiculously weak b/c I wanted to cold turkey like 2 weeks ago.
I gave myself a break due to my short amount of taper days.
Here I sit in the same exact position. It's like I am dragging out the feeling Sh!**y feeling that comes with w/d's. The small piece I take here n there does nothing but prolong the time I'm not clean.
My sleep is all jacked up, I am super frustrated, exhausted, and today I pulled a junkie move. Refilled 3 pills at the pharmacy like usual. I usually cut them up into 1 or 2 mg pieces & give the bottle to family to hold so I won't be tempted. Today I cut them up into enuf pieces so it looked like I didn't take much- but I took like 3 or 4 pieces. Prolly equivalent to just less than 1 full pill.
I wanted that feeling of relief that comes with stopping w/d & I got relief. Temporarily. Maybe a few hours and that's only b/c I've been on such a low dose.
Totally not worth the guilt and disappointment that it left me with.
I can't seem to clear my head enough to wrap it around the decision to STOP TAKING THEM! I block it out when I even start to think.
Sometimes I feel like if I didn't have any more pills left to refill that will be the only way to stop. But I was told today I have more. :-(
So I need a plan. Do I come clean w/ my fam, and tell them not to give me any? Do I get it done this weekend? Or do I keep taking them until I feel ready to stop? I need some direction. Some words of wisdom, or someone to make me a plan bc I am dropping the ball!
I do not know where all this fear is coming from. I was doing well for the first month. But the thought of not taking them... omg I can't picture how to get there anymore.
If ever there was a day I need support and advice it's today.