Redirecting?!?!?!

I suppose I should have expected a lot of change and redirecting my goals when I started this detox. (Mental note to those of you preparing to quit) I don't even think I can call it detox at this point anymore. I am all over the place in my addiction to opiates at this point.My goals constantly change and the changes are usually based on my present feelings or emotions. I did quite a bit of prep work physically, mentally, and got quite educated before I began this. It's amazing that even after 9 months of consistent daily habits, they break just that easy if we let them. 

Please check out my post this morning on my Opiate Trap Blog.It is a check in after being absent from posting my daily experiences. 

http://opiatetrap.blogspot.com/2014/07/does-it-really-matter.html

What is one to do when Suboxone Stopping becomes an entirely different thing? Do I continue to log about it. Maybe I should start a new blog? 

Please share your thoughts here, and on the Opiate Trap Blog.


Peace ~J'Elle

Day 39: Knowledge Without Action Doesn't Do Alot

First off, I'd like to clarify the importance I hold in blogging these little details. I try to be candid and genuine about the good and the bad. Recognizing the bad opens up my eyes to reasons I may have relapsed in the past. I am able to sort out my strengths and weaknesses. 

Addiction is a dirty, sneaky, tricky lil demon who will continue to tell you that you will fail until you shut him up! 'A Naughty Child' was the phrase one person used. 

Posting the negatives gives me a sort of clarity that I don't get by keeping my fears bottled up. 

I learn more from other addicts and their stories, journeys, and truths than I have from any professional. Maybe I should phrase that by saying I learn different things from addicts than things I learn from professionals. Both are useful!

Today was a lazier day than usual. I am still not able to sleep much. I think I fell asleep as the sun was coming up this morning. At least I get a couple hours. Between the withdrawals and the flood of feelings I've been numbing for 2 years my brain operates on overload all night.

It is nice to know that there are people who really do care enough to spare a kind word or a helpful suggestion. It feels very needy to be focusing on my recovery so much, and I do not like that.

I try to remember that for 21 years I have been dealing with pain in unhealthy ways. That is 2 decades of beating myself up and trying to cope. I can donate a month or two to try to change that. If I look at it from that perspective it chills me out a little. 


During the bad days I seem to put off a lot of things I need to be doing. Exercise, reading, praying, working in my decision book, listening to my hypnosis CD's etc.  

We can have all the knowledge in the world about what we need to do, but it is a total waste if we don't practice what we know will help. 

Seems like a simple concept. Putting it into motion in the midst of recovery...not so simple. Nevertheless I am glad I recognized that, and have tried to change that today. 

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

Day 38- Really Struggling at This Point

My brain is so fudged up I can barely think clearly. All my rational motivation for myself is out the window. I am terrified. BUT I still want to quit.

I really need some advice. First off I feel ridiculously weak b/c I wanted to cold turkey like 2 weeks ago. 

I gave myself a break due to my short amount of taper days.

Here I sit in the same exact position. It's like I am dragging out the feeling Sh!**y feeling that comes with w/d's. The small piece I take here n there does nothing but prolong the time I'm not clean.

My sleep is all jacked up, I am super frustrated, exhausted, and today I pulled a junkie move. Refilled 3 pills at the pharmacy like usual. I usually cut them up into 1 or 2 mg pieces & give the bottle to family to hold so I won't be tempted. Today I cut them up into enuf pieces so it looked like I didn't take much- but I took like 3 or 4 pieces. Prolly equivalent to just less than 1 full pill. 

I wanted that feeling of relief that comes with stopping w/d & I got relief. Temporarily. Maybe a few hours and that's only b/c I've been on such a low dose. 

Totally not worth the guilt and disappointment that it left me with.

I can't seem to clear my head enough to wrap it around the decision to STOP TAKING THEM! I block it out when I even start to think. 

Sometimes I feel like if I didn't have any more pills left to refill that will be the only way to stop. But I was told today I have more. :-( 

So I need a plan. Do I come clean w/ my fam, and tell them not to give me any? Do I get it done this weekend? Or do I keep taking them until I feel ready to stop? I need some direction. Some words of wisdom, or someone to make me a plan bc I am dropping the ball!  

I do not know where all this fear is coming from. I was doing well for the first month. But the thought of not taking them... omg I can't picture how to get there anymore. 

If ever there was a day I need support and advice it's today.

24th Day of My Suboxone Taper

Our minds are a powerful thing. I am content in my decision to cold turkey the rest of the way as of Friday. 

However, fear and doubt of myself consume my brain. Failure haunts me. Sobriety seems so out of reach. For the 18 months I have been on Suboxone, I considered myself 'sober'. As time has passed, knowledge has increased, and my moods dependence has relied on my medication I realize it is not 100% sobriety. 

I still hold to the fact that Suboxone saved my life. Served as a gateway from heroin to freedom. Suboxone provided the time I needed to gain more mental stability. The counseling and medical attention I needed has further helped me along, and without the medication I doubt I would have made it this far. 

I filled my 24th day with reading, walks, yoga, and writing. I spent time on a recovery forum networking with other drug addicts and opiate users. We are not alone. 

Day 24 was hard and hopeful. I am sure the days ahead will be harder, but each day that passes I think a little more hope comes. Hope for freedom from the trap I loathe so much. 

Made It Thru Day 19

A bit hard to believe I will admit. I do not like the feeling ill, tired, under the weather and depressed so much. I do however like that all the 'pain' means I am getting through this ordeal. A little closer each day. 
I did a 1/2 pill this afternoon, and a 1/4 in the early evening. So this week altered between 1/2 and 3/4.

I think the most difficult thing I go through is guilt. The guilt I feel over everything I have done, and that I need to do something like this to become a 'normal' person, really drags me down. 

I guess it is what it is, and since I can't fix the past it doesn't do me much good to stay in guilt. Finding a way to work that out would most likely eliminate a lot of 'symptoms' I am having. Maybe?

I want to do this really quickly. I made the decision to get off Suboxone almost 3 weeks ago. Part of my addict behavior is to require that instant gratification. In this case the absence of Suboxone in my daily life is the gratification. The truth is I have zero desire to live the day to day of it. I suppose there are obvious lessons in walking through the taper as opposed to a sedated rapid detox that I dream about. 

So grateful for my blog as an outlet. I wonder most hours of the day if I am the only one who is like this. 

My final thought is that sobriety on a Friday night is a complete obstacle to climb all on it's own. My phone is not plugged in, so that I do not have to be faced with the choice. 

Day 18

I slept in late today. My first decision was coffee. My 2nd decision was to cancel my day and get back in bed. 

Unfortunately for me, I made a commitment to model my eyes for a live web chat evaluation that my roommate needed to complete so she can start her new job. 

Thank God for that hidden blessing because by the end of it I had decided not to cancel my appointment with Dr. D.  

I decided on honesty being the best policy & let him know that my pill reduction from 3/4 to 1/2 was not going so well. I also admitted my overwhelming fear that my tapering is dangerously close to me being off of them for good. 

We made 2 decisions. 

1. My taper may be a bit fast, and to allow myself the flexibility of 1/2 or 3/4 for a few more days. 
2. To give my medication to a family member for dispersement. This seemingly should have been an obvious move, but I say better late than never. The cheating temptation only became overpowering the last few days. 

The decision to designate the pill control needed to be mine. Small victories...

LAstly I discussed my blog & the nervousness that comes w/ my candid experience, the fear of failure, & and the intense desire to reach out to suffering opiate addicts. 

Dr. D. encouraged me to continue writing, and as you can see I've decided today to keep it going. 

See ya on 19th day! 

Day 17 Midday Check In

So far today is still going better than yesterday. This is my 3rd day taking half a pill. The one thing I hate is I have a headache that hurts worse than any one I have ever had before. I do not know if this is a withdrawal symptom. I plan to try to find out. Nothing will relieve it.

I also feel extremely run down today. I have zero energy and it's hard getting anything done.

Any comments about symptoms would be appreciated.

Day 17- A New Day

I thought I would post my day 17 journal early today. I am almost caught up on typing the handwritten journals, and have been able to write direct onto the blog the last 3 days. Small victories add up!

The negativity consuming my thoughts at bedtime soon transformed into nightmares followed by guilt from blogging that negativity out into the universe. 

I started to delete it, but I remembered I am only human. Certainly not a perfect human. If my ability to be candid about my withdrawal process is thwarted by insecurities, it feels like a pointless gesture to share.  

I woke up bright and early! As my alarm began to beep at 8:00am, (early for me) I heard the voice of my sweet housemate calling out for me to get up. I left my house for a nice long walk, and the fresh air did me wonders. 

As much as I detest getting up early to walk, it's nice to start the day with a victory. The air cleared my thoughts and I refocused my Suboxone tapering goals. Bringing it back to simple terms worked for me today. 

I only have to worry about now. At lunch time I can worry about lunch time, and tonight I can worry about tonight. Worrying about tomorrow accomplishes one thing- putting me in a mindset to give up. If I wake up tomorrow, I can worry at that time. 

I have gone from 2 8mg pills a day to half of an 8mg pill a day. 

Thats a 14mg decrease! I have something to be proud of, and I've decided to allow myself to feel good about that for a moment. 

I am TERRIFIED of the next step because that step means this journey is almost over and I have not lived opiate free in a very very long time. 

We shall see where I am at the end of today. For anyone reading this who is thinking about quitting opiates. Take that first step! That's all you need. We don't even have to worry about what comes next just yet.  

Day 16- Ready to Give Up

Feelings come and go, so I am trying to discipline myself to commit to something regardless of how I feel. Today I feel as if I will not stop using. SOme parts of the day I even think I don't want to stop.

Why the hell wouldn't I want to stop after the traumatic, miserable,  death of a life I've been in?

I need to remember this is why drugs are a trap! They want you to love them so they make you high, That is the trap.

Going to ride out this self defeating emotion and wake up tomorrow to day 17.