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Friday, May 23, 2014

Day 44: Self Control Means I Control Myself

I realize this is not in order. Slowly but surely I am putting up last weeks logs.

This morning I woke up very early. My weekend of slumber decided to kick me back out into the real world again. I'm not mad at it though. In fact I am happy that it possibly means I will fall asleep before 5am, and I can begin cycling back onto a semi normal schedule. 

As usual over the last week, my attitude sucked from the moment I opened my eyes. It is an irritating situation when you are such a grouch that you don't even want to deal with your own self. 
On the bright side, once you get to that point of utter stagnancy and annoyance, making a bold move seems more favorable than continuing along the road of blah. 

I am not sure if it was luck or chance or fate... you can call it what you want, but a necasary turning point took place for me today. My personal belief is that people have been praying for me on the many days I haven't been able to believe I am worth praying for myself. I woke up at an early 6:30am.

I planted myself on the carpet in my den and switched on the TV. What do ya know, the first thing that I hear on the channel happens to be an exact replica of what I am NOT doing right in my life.  If I wanted to be cliche and genericly untrue I could say that this surprised me, but in fact it is quite the opposite. I find the world is made up of all sorts of things that I cannot understand but somehow bring harmony and existence together in a way that 'fits' ito our individual paths. 

Simply put- we are given signs and secrets to help us navigate our future in a positive way. However we might not position ourselves in a way that we can accept or even hear what is loudly being projected right in front of us. 

Thank God for those times that we are!

If things in life were happening exactly the way that we wanted, everything lined up, financial burdens at ease, and relationships operating along in great way, how would I be acting today?

Would I wake up in a state of anger? Barely pulling my tired body out of bed.  Exerting almost all of my energy into erasing the permanent scowl morphed onto my face? 

Most likely I'd bounce up cheerfully and excited for the day. What trials and tribulations can I not conquer if things are how I want them? 

Why need faith on those days? I'd be sailing along with ease.

Here are the next things that came out of that TV and into my brain.

If I can learn how to do the right thing while I am hurting, then no devil in hell that can keep me from the palace. I have to learn to do what is right while I am hurting. To do what is right when right things are not happening to me. 

When I hurt I need to do what I'd do if everything in my life was going exactly the way I want it to.

When I am hurting I need to act how I would if I was not hurting at all. 

When I am really hurting it takes alot of discipline to do what is right.

Self control means we control ourself.

Excuse: I can't help it! YES I CAN!

Pain can rule my behavior.

Wow. Talk about preaching to the choir!

Here is an outline of what I got from the show I watched. 

1. When I am hurting do not counter attack and go wild.
~gonna do anything I wanna do
~gonna eat what I want
~gonna buy whatever I want
? How is that gonna get the get me to where I want? 

2. Do not withdrawal, isolate, sulk, have a pity party. Sit around and get depressed.
I can be pitiful and powerful but I can't be both at the same time. 
Someone else on this planet is hurting worse than me. (wow)

3. do not believe the lie that God is punishing me for something I have done in the past. 
Not the biz that God is in
God remembers our sin no more when we ask for forgiveness. 
It is a lie to say I cant get over my wrongs

4. do not blame God and get mad at him. 
My disappointments come from me not getting what I want. 

5. when i am hurting do not give up and think I have no way out. 

6. do not passivly accept injustice- fight it
when i am in the middle hurting sooo bad i need to do all the good i can do for as many peole as i can as often as i can. 
This is the best strategy to move forward!

Overcome evil with good.!!!!!
I am not gonna win with a bad attitude r hating everyone...being jealous...
Trust that my life can be good.
work good out of bad things

7. when i am hurting, keep my commitments. keep my word. do what i tell people i would do. I will in no way break my commitment. 
Do i wanna be one of those people who does not keep commitments. 
Honor. Get honor back.

What is honor.
Do what is right b/c it is right. 

Be a person of my word!!!!!!

Hang on to my integrity- it is in these times that build character

If I am hurting so bad i can't stand it and i keep my commitments I AM GROWING SPIRITUALY AND AFTER TODAY I AM ONE DAY CLOSER TO MY DREAMS.


HOW AM I GONNA ACT IN THE MIDDLE? (I haven't been doing great so far)

anyone can do whats right when things are good, not many people can do whats right when things are horrible.

Bad days are ok but for the most part who do i wanna be?

I know that it has been hard to stay in a bad attitude since I have been mulling over these perspectives. Needless to say, today was a better day, and I believe I will have better days ahead.


Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Day 50-U Can Run but Ya Can't Hide!

Somewhere in the vicinity of 3am Tuesday morning and I find myself unable to sleep. Again. This time my insomnia is not brought on by annoying withdrawal symptoms, but by a mind that won't stop thinking. Plagued by thoughts of remorse that come along with the very thing I created for myself as an outlet for the stress and screeching voices hollering at me from inside the addicts mind. My blogs. Somewhere I have dropped the ball on reporting my progress (or lack there of), to a cyber world of readers that may or may not exist. 

My writing and enthusiasm developed into a rather consistent and productive outlet over the first month. The enthusiasm has not died, but my insides feel nauseated over the fact that I think I am not making enough progress. Am I a let down? As a day passed by and I ignored my online therapy I  allowed an onset of shame to plant seed in my soul. Each day that I did not write acted as the fertilizer that turned that shame seed into a weed infested guilt garden! My mind tells me that if I  mess up I mine as well give up.

If you struggle with addiction in way shape or form this concept will seem quite familiar. As I fight my insomnia I realize that 8 or 9 days does not a failure make!!! I mean, duh...right? The more I allowed my thoughts to unravel over the hours the more I realize that this is all still a part of who I am. A living breathing pattern of my addictive behaviors, and a very real part of my recovery. My goal is to not give up!

No matter how long I stay off the computer, or how many hours I sleep and want to ignore even the smallest set backs, my problems will not go away. 

SO, this is my attempt to grab hold of a new concept I will call- not running away from something so long that I make it irreparable by my own actions. Here on the early hours of day 50 of my road to recovery, I will not give up. I am still on the pills. A very low dose. A bit stagnant on the process. This last week has been different in my actions and in my thoughts. I have been journaling everyday, only on paper so that I could feed my silly fear of failure by logging onto google.

I am hoping this entry will help me to sleep a few hours. I plan to take my laptop to Starbucks and spend an hour or two going through emails, comments, etc and typing up my last week of journals. 

Until then... J'Elle

Monday, May 12, 2014

43 Days out of a Lifetime

After not wanting to turn on my computer for almost 3 days, I booted up. To my surprise I had lots of emails. Comments from an addicts mother, other junkies, and other people I didn't know...people with no obligation to my recovery.

The sight of those things brought the first tears  my eyes have been able to produce in weeks.  I cried uncontrollably as I read the words typed into cyberspace by strangers who offered their genuine support. Even when I hate myself and think I am doomed-someone is thinking of me. Someone has cried these same tears, bled these same wounds, and felt hopeless in front of me. I am not the first girl lying desperate at the mercy of the devil disguised as heroin. My father is not the 1st who holds onto hope while he watches his pride and joy agonize over something too foreign for him to understand.

 43 days seems like forever sometimes. 43 days also seems like nothing. There are so many ways to put recovery and the act of becoming sober into perspective. 

The lack of sleep from the past week or so must have caught up to me, because I slept most from Saturday/early Sunday until about 1pm today. I woke up a few hours here and there...

Saturday I was so upset with this whole subject I flushed the Suboxone I had left and took the choice of that relief away from myself. Unfortunately I still have some at the pharmacy. 

Somehow I was able to get thru about 48 hours without a pill. When I woke up today I started screaming like a child. I slammed my pillow at the wall and my father- who graciously has been staying at my house to support me thru this asked if I was ok. I screamed that I hated being awake! Why can't I just stay asleep!!

The only thing worse to me than feeling that way, is seeing the pain in my father's eyes. This man has taught me what unconditional love is. He has never blamed me, judged me, guilted me, or put me down. He IS the reason I ever made it off of the street and even tried getting sober.

Somedays it seems like other addicts have it easier, or don't go thru the same things as me. I know this is a bratty thing to say, but I didn't open this blog to sugarcoat my thoughts. I am pretty sure I am not the only one that thinks they are not meant to have a good sober life. 

We refilled 3 more Suboxone and after about 51 hours without one I took appx 1.5mg. I do not feel great about it, but it is what it is. I made up my mind that I was going to find a way to score some dope, so I negotiated myself into taking meds instead. 

I asked my father to not give me another piece for at least 24 more hours. I am praying I will turn that 24 hours into 48hr. Maybe that 48hrs will become a week...and maybe I will smile again someday soon.

Sincerely thanking those who have reached out to me..~J

Friday, May 9, 2014

Day 39: Knowledge Without Action Doesn't Do Alot

First off, I'd like to clarify the importance I hold in blogging these little details. I try to be candid and genuine about the good and the bad. Recognizing the bad opens up my eyes to reasons I may have relapsed in the past. I am able to sort out my strengths and weaknesses. 

Addiction is a dirty, sneaky, tricky lil demon who will continue to tell you that you will fail until you shut him up! 'A Naughty Child' was the phrase one person used. 

Posting the negatives gives me a sort of clarity that I don't get by keeping my fears bottled up. 

I learn more from other addicts and their stories, journeys, and truths than I have from any professional. Maybe I should phrase that by saying I learn different things from addicts than things I learn from professionals. Both are useful!

Today was a lazier day than usual. I am still not able to sleep much. I think I fell asleep as the sun was coming up this morning. At least I get a couple hours. Between the withdrawals and the flood of feelings I've been numbing for 2 years my brain operates on overload all night.

It is nice to know that there are people who really do care enough to spare a kind word or a helpful suggestion. It feels very needy to be focusing on my recovery so much, and I do not like that.

I try to remember that for 21 years I have been dealing with pain in unhealthy ways. That is 2 decades of beating myself up and trying to cope. I can donate a month or two to try to change that. If I look at it from that perspective it chills me out a little. 

During the bad days I seem to put off a lot of things I need to be doing. Exercise, reading, praying, working in my decision book, listening to my hypnosis CD's etc.  

We can have all the knowledge in the world about what we need to do, but it is a total waste if we don't practice what we know will help. 

Seems like a simple concept. Putting it into motion in the midst of recovery...not so simple. Nevertheless I am glad I recognized that, and have tried to change that today. 

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Day 38- Really Struggling at This Point

My brain is so fudged up I can barely think clearly. All my rational motivation for myself is out the window. I am terrified. BUT I still want to quit.

I really need some advice. First off I feel ridiculously weak b/c I wanted to cold turkey like 2 weeks ago. 

I gave myself a break due to my short amount of taper days.

Here I sit in the same exact position. It's like I am dragging out the feeling Sh!**y feeling that comes with w/d's. The small piece I take here n there does nothing but prolong the time I'm not clean.

My sleep is all jacked up, I am super frustrated, exhausted, and today I pulled a junkie move. Refilled 3 pills at the pharmacy like usual. I usually cut them up into 1 or 2 mg pieces & give the bottle to family to hold so I won't be tempted. Today I cut them up into enuf pieces so it looked like I didn't take much- but I took like 3 or 4 pieces. Prolly equivalent to just less than 1 full pill. 

I wanted that feeling of relief that comes with stopping w/d & I got relief. Temporarily. Maybe a few hours and that's only b/c I've been on such a low dose. 

Totally not worth the guilt and disappointment that it left me with.

I can't seem to clear my head enough to wrap it around the decision to STOP TAKING THEM! I block it out when I even start to think. 

Sometimes I feel like if I didn't have any more pills left to refill that will be the only way to stop. But I was told today I have more. :-( 

So I need a plan. Do I come clean w/ my fam, and tell them not to give me any? Do I get it done this weekend? Or do I keep taking them until I feel ready to stop? I need some direction. Some words of wisdom, or someone to make me a plan bc I am dropping the ball!  

I do not know where all this fear is coming from. I was doing well for the first month. But the thought of not taking them... omg I can't picture how to get there anymore. 

If ever there was a day I need support and advice it's today.

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Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Day 35: Insomnia=Irrationality

The exhaustion must be getting to me. Friday I slept about 5 hours. Saturday 3 1/2 hours. It's Monday morning and I have not yet gone to sleep. I remember this happening during my past detoxes. 

The nasty, creepy, crawly, feelings of bugs up and down my legs is one of the grossest feelings EVER.

I laid awake all night restless and sweating back and forth as if I had the flu. I did not think I'd make it to this morning. I have a doctor appointment at 2pm, so we shall see how that goes. (assuming I stay awake)

I was prepared to have insomnia at some point, but I predicted it would not come until I was completly off the meds. It must be these big jumps in dosage that I am taking. My dose on Saturday was around 3:30pm. My dose Sunday about 7pm, and about 1mg or less.

I held off as long as I could. 

I am literally holding onto hope with my life today. I do not want to give up and give in because of insomnia. I am telling myself the rational explanation to why I feel so hopeless is the lack of sleep. 

Monday, May 5, 2014

Gonna Vent NOT Use-Day 33

One of the things I dislike about myself is that when the going gets tough, I lose all motivation & stop doing the things I love. 
This was a hard weekend. I could barely bring myself to move let alone write... Boo Hoo right? 
 I will be the first to say I'll never change unless I CHANGE!

I mustered up the effort to post my feelings on an incredible recovery forum I've been a part of. My post for day 33 will simply be the content from that thread. 

Hope you enjoy!

ME: I am at the tail end of my Suboxone detox. Prolly only have a few days left.
I find on this Saturday night instead of leg cramps, depression and nausea, I'd prefer a needle or a pipe. No discrimination..I'll take whatever I can find. 

This is my attempt to start changing my dirty habits. 

I find that when I relapse it usually happens like this:

-have the thought of getting high
-obsess on it
-glorify it until I convince myself
-refuse to think of anything else except how to score until I do it

So, I know that in posting here I am forced to type it out which requires thinking about the millions of bad things instead of the one good thing. (the glorified 5 second good thing.)

For me, H has been the most difficult to put behind me. Thanks for letting mw vent. I think deep down I don't really want to.

Comment 1: No, DEEP down, You DON'T want to - it's just that crazy old mind song playing in the head again. But it's NOT you - can you see it play ? There's you watching it , hearing it, there's You and the old song playing- they're separate. Stay with the REAL you - find the quiet within, even for for a few seconds here and a few seconds there. Step out of the mind and find that quiet "space "within- rest there . Be at ease, breath.... It'll pass. Trust.

Comment 2: Type more than a couple paragraphs. Type out the whole story of your past using days. Do it in OneNote or somewhere if you don't want it online. You've got to remember how bad it really was instead of falling into the circular seeking behavior.

Comment 3:
Deep down you don't really want to

That's not you talking ........

Comment 4: I am glad you posted this. My thought process was pretty much the exact same, but I never actually wrote it out. It is great that you have identified it so you can do something about it. How do you plan to battle the cravings and to stop it before it gets to number 4 on your list?

Comment 5: How about interrupt it at #1 ? It is the thought of using which is the signal to intervene. What are you feeling just before those thoughts come ? Are you feeling overwhelmed by something in your current situation ? Are you feeling trapped in some way ? Or helpless? I read that addiction is only a symptom of an unlying feeling of powerlessness/trapped helplessness and for long-term soberity to stick, you need to identify the real issues driving the need to escape. Do you feel any of these emotions,friend ? If so, what can you change to lessen those feelings? What empowering action(s) can you take?

My Response: - I am really scared of screwing up again is at the root of it. Been 12 or more years without going a week clean.. I always get sober and relapse. Some minutes I feel great like I can do it this time, next minute I am like wtf why am I trying. 

I rented pay per per view and watched Netflix all night.. since I am sleeping little to none right now.. Stayed clean.

Comment 6: That's SO awesome - you rode it out and it passed !!! You should pat yourself on the bat - or at least do it for me ! Just take it one day at a time - that's enough. Don't worry about tomorrow - you never have to handle more than today. Forget the rest and when the mind story gets going , catch it and stop it. Keep reminding your mind that today is enough and try to see if you can find some ease in just staying present . It's a real challenge, I know, but it's a challenge that will help you on so many levels. And the more clean days you stack, the easier it'll be to do this and other other positive things. Just keep it simple - today is all you need to take care of. Keep moving forward,, Lady - you passed yesterday's test - you can pass today's!

To be honest, I have been lonely as hell during the last 2 years of using, and the longer I try to get sober the lonelier I get. I can imagine hell should be so isolating. I could count on one hand the people interested in what's up with me- and there was a day I had more friends than I knew what to do with. That's another topic though...hard for people to wanna be friends with a junkie loser.

Last night- those complete junkie and ex-junkie STRANGERS gave a crap enough to give me those no BS replies. I did not expect a response at all. I figured people would glance and roll through. 

Amazing that in the world we live in where junkies are trash and the sober people are 'good', that an addict cares enough to rise up and help a total stranger day after day! It's amazing. It was amazing not to feel alone when I logged on and saw that people cared if I never logged on again...

I posted this on as well. It is important to me that one person who is hopeless and alone might benefit from seeing that they can reach out. It is worth the post if even one  person reaches out for help. I am only one person, and I lived through many nights where I was lucky to see the next morning. Seeing hope may have made a difference..? 

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Weary End of Day 32

No matter how weary though, I am here another day!

What a day! I attempted to keep busy and distract my over-analyzing brain from dwelling on the fact that this is pretty much done!

As I mentioned this morning, I would not take any Suboxone this morning. I waited until about 7:30pm, and took the better half of a 1/4 of a pill, and about 30 minutes later took the remainder of the quarter. 

I believe that is progress again and I am pleased. 

Tomorrow's goal will be to put my dose off as long as possible. 

As my taper progresses, I am weary. This is very difficult. I am not certain if the mental energy demanded has me beat up, or if the leg pain, dizzy, clammy, lightheaded, nauseated with every move stuff is breaking me. I am positive the 3 hours I slept last night exacerbate it all.

I am not in the mindset to give up during this late night write, but I wonder if the weary may weigh my soul too hard if I have another day like this. Thankfully days seldom repeat themselves. 

The sadness is crippling. I read today on the site about a woman who is 4 months off opiates, lifeless, and depressed. She is certain that her fate is sealed. I prayed for her on the spot that she find her smile.

I am fortunate have the good days I've had. They remind me I smiled lately. I must have gone weeks, maybe 6 months where I stayed home by myself and never smiled. Knowledge is power and will do me well as far as helping me naturally reboot my endorphins. 

Lots of walks, even the 45 second ones. Playing my guitar. Listening to music. Writing. Forcing myself to watch funny TV so i will laugh. Jumping up and down like a fool. Yoga. Wall push-ups. Punching pillows. Telling myself I am not a loser in the mirror. (even through tears)  All things that aid in getting signals to your brain for 'happy chemical production.

Sometimes I feel alone based on the negative feelings I have. I wonder if everyone struggles so hard to keep them positive? 

I want to beat this and learn from it. My goal to be 'sober' is almost non-existent. People get sober and stay there. 

Sober for me will be a pit stop along the way. Someone needs to reach out into the world differently from whats been done. There are still MILLIONS of addicts and it keeps growing. Hurting people. Men, women, and kids that want to hang onto their freedom and don't know how to. I know saving the world won't happen through me, but I can put my story out there and try to help another self destructing ashamed addict find their way through.


Friday, May 2, 2014

Starting Day 32

Starting day 32 with exhaustion, restless legs,  hope, and NOT my 1/8 of a pill. I have still been on 1/4 of a pill for the last few days, although I have broken that 1/4 into 2 different doses to help my body adjust a little easier.

The up all night insomnia most definitely made it's most prominent presence in this recovery so far. Luckily, a light day and some grace will ease me through a full day without Suboxone. I HOPE! In the back of my mind somewhere between doubtful and maybe...if I can go all day today, maybe that will turn into all day tomorrow too.

I already know I can do it for 24 hours, but never on this dose. The medicine I have built up continues to  quickly flushing out and I can feel it physically. 

As horrible as this is, I know without a shadow of a doubt it is one of he easiest detoxes in my life. It could be that this time is on my terms, not the county jail or anywhere else. Perhaps this is where my journey is supposed to be. Maybe this time will truly be different. 

PS: If you haven't checked out, you should.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

31 Days~ Really J'Elle??

"Really J'Elle?"

Boy do those two words go thru my head multiple times a day. 

Picture yourself floating idly in the air. Unable to move from one spot, body tense on the inside and limp on the outside. One hand lifted forward in front of you as though you are reaching for something...almost able to touch it with your dainty fingertips. Paralyzed in fear that if you stretch your hand the teeny tiny last centimeter it needs to stretch in order to reach the object of your affection, that you might lose flight and fall to the ground. Your body shattering like glass into a million pieces from that last small movement.  You also know that if you don't strive for that last reach, you might flail aimlessly forever, stuck and stoic.

Sobriety flirts in my reach. The object of my affection taunting and teasing me. The hopeful love that will be my happily ever after. If happily ever after existed. 

In my dream state of semi-sobriety from my prescription air-bag, I am in shock. There is no where left to go except off of the pills. Despite all of the aches and pains this has been easier than I remember in my last couple of attempts to quit opiates.

Could I have found a way out of the opiate trap? "Are you REALLY doing this J'Elle?"

I took a 1/4 tab again this morning and have a half of a pill left. Day 31 of stopping Suboxone. 

I believe with ALL my heart that if I can do this, anyone can. Dysfunctional, sabotaging everything good, relapse professional J'Elle; making a new life at 35 years old. 

I guess we will see.