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Saturday, May 3, 2014

Weary End of Day 32

No matter how weary though, I am here another day!

What a day! I attempted to keep busy and distract my over-analyzing brain from dwelling on the fact that this is pretty much done!

As I mentioned this morning, I would not take any Suboxone this morning. I waited until about 7:30pm, and took the better half of a 1/4 of a pill, and about 30 minutes later took the remainder of the quarter. 

I believe that is progress again and I am pleased. 

Tomorrow's goal will be to put my dose off as long as possible. 

As my taper progresses, I am weary. This is very difficult. I am not certain if the mental energy demanded has me beat up, or if the leg pain, dizzy, clammy, lightheaded, nauseated with every move stuff is breaking me. I am positive the 3 hours I slept last night exacerbate it all.

I am not in the mindset to give up during this late night write, but I wonder if the weary may weigh my soul too hard if I have another day like this. Thankfully days seldom repeat themselves. 

The sadness is crippling. I read today on the site about a woman who is 4 months off opiates, lifeless, and depressed. She is certain that her fate is sealed. I prayed for her on the spot that she find her smile.

I am fortunate have the good days I've had. They remind me I smiled lately. I must have gone weeks, maybe 6 months where I stayed home by myself and never smiled. Knowledge is power and will do me well as far as helping me naturally reboot my endorphins. 

Lots of walks, even the 45 second ones. Playing my guitar. Listening to music. Writing. Forcing myself to watch funny TV so i will laugh. Jumping up and down like a fool. Yoga. Wall push-ups. Punching pillows. Telling myself I am not a loser in the mirror. (even through tears)  All things that aid in getting signals to your brain for 'happy chemical production.

Sometimes I feel alone based on the negative feelings I have. I wonder if everyone struggles so hard to keep them positive? 

I want to beat this and learn from it. My goal to be 'sober' is almost non-existent. People get sober and stay there. 

Sober for me will be a pit stop along the way. Someone needs to reach out into the world differently from whats been done. There are still MILLIONS of addicts and it keeps growing. Hurting people. Men, women, and kids that want to hang onto their freedom and don't know how to. I know saving the world won't happen through me, but I can put my story out there and try to help another self destructing ashamed addict find their way through.


1 comment:

  1. First off I want to commend you on your blogging skills and how well you put words to paper. I hope you are still trudging forward and staying clean. I know what its like to write out urges and thoughts about using. I wrote an autobiography about my addiction. Intravenous use of anything I could turn to liquid; mainly heroin, and if I had stolen enough things from some poor soul, I would get cocaine too. I was homeless and walked the streets aimlessly with nowhere to go. Mainly hiding from authorities because of many warrants for my arrest. If you are interested, I can give you a chapter. It does give hope for us. I am sober. I have my own home and a wife that somehow puts up with me. You can beat this.
    It was good for me to read this. It is good to know we are not alone. I think you need to give yourself some credit though. I don't know how long you have been off the black and using subs so I don't want to jump to any conclusions but you are doing great from what I can see. Okay so you are on suboxone. You are going forward. Suboxone allows people to move forward in life. I know its not where you want to be but it definitely isn't methadone; or worse....heroin. Keep your head up and thank you for sharing your story.