Day 29-Stormy Weather

I am writing this 29 days into quitting taking opiates. Last pill at appx 12 noon. a quarter of a tab. Followed by an immediate appt at my Dr's office. 

It feels like I am in the middle of the storm, but i have a feeling that I am nowhere near the eye. In fact, I believe I am merely approaching the cusp of the eye. 

Good things and harder things are happening on a daily basis. Notice I said harder things.... not bad things. Yeah Yeah Yeah I am not loving those happy, bouncy, sunshiny day types right now, but I will tell you something valuable that I have learned through this process. 

Up to this point, I have found that one of the most valuable commodities to getting op-sobed, is attitude. Yes there is sick and sad and restless legs. Defeat of mind, sick souled, worn weary feelings of despair, but beyond all of those things if you are able to reach out and take some new risks it will take you some place. 

Things are happening that I never believed. On 'H', not only did I feel dead, I was more than 100% sure I'd be underground by now. I hated myself for that. Sometimes still do, but I am paving a new way filled with hope. 

Wow.

30 Days!!!

I love that I am down to about 1/4 of a pill a day. There is of course, disappintment in not being cold turkey the last few ds. I am trying to look at it from the standpoint of aim high and if I miss it's alright. We can never dream too big.

The fact that I haven't given up or gone back to street dope is extremely exciting for me. 

The fact that I haven't given up or gone back to street drugs is extremely terrifying for me. 

My brain wages war between those two statements knowing that the nature of the beast is always to attack.

In this circumstance the beast is my addiction. 

I am not without w/d symptoms. Restless legs are the most hated. Along with nausea and depression. These are my top 3. I am positive that preparation has been my ally for the past month. By that I mean physical and emotional preparation. 

I wll outline more about how I have been doing this in a simplified manner for those of you who might want to detox.

thanks to my readers, (assuming I have one) and keep cheering me on and keeping me in your good thoughts please!
Don't forget to share with those in need.

~J'Elle

27th Day on This Train

Well, 27 days into my Suboxone taper and what a ride it has been. Experiencing every emotion that I can think of, it's most definitely a whirlwind! 

Today I struggled more with the upset stomach, major depression, and the RLS was starting to get a bit nuts! (RLS=restless leg syndrome) 

Here's how my day went:

12pm (ish): Forced self to sit in sun. Lasted about 3 minutes.

1:30pm: Picked up my guitar and jammed out some notes for about 5 minutes.

2pm: Friend called and took me to lunch and then Starbucks. Lifesaver!!!

4:30: Started freaking out & dragged myself on a 10 minute walk.

7pm: Picked up some Clonidine from the Pharmacy

8:30: Watched a movie / my Dad, took some Clonidine and a small piece of Suboxone. (appx .5mg) :-(

Single most motivating thing today: fellow ex-junkie asking me if I'd be able to get up and find energy for a free kilo that would be a 5 mile walk away. WOW! Talk about putting things into perspective. Mind over matter baby! That is SO much of it!

I am not going to be too hard on myself. I am in a good place at the moment. Tomorrow I will keep going. My motto right now is one day at a time. Hoping to go 48 hours with no Subs and then take it from there. Quite honestly, with al the crazy thoughts that ran through my head today, I am glad I did not pick up the phone and have a full blown stupid relapse. This is tough!!!! Not giving up yet. ~J'Elle

Day 26

I am a believer in God and the Bible. I am most definitely not here to preach to anyone or attempt a conversion. Believing in god is simply a part of who I am, and my relationship with him is a tool that I use in my life, specifically in my recovery. 

In all honesty, if you look at the bible you can retain plenty of factual and practical life habits whether or not you believe spiritually. 

I have an actual point. Today I went cold turkey off of Suboxone, and so far it's believing there is something better on the other side of this hell I am enduring that carries me. God knows I do not have the strength to carry myself all day every day. 

I will be honest and say I do not know how much further I can go. Sometimes it literally is hour by hour. Telling myself I do not need to call the dope man minute by minute. 

If it gets THAT bad, I hope I will remember I have Suboxone at the pharmacy instead of calling the dope man. For an addict it doesn't always work that way in our messy little brains. 

24th Day of My Suboxone Taper

Our minds are a powerful thing. I am content in my decision to cold turkey the rest of the way as of Friday. 

However, fear and doubt of myself consume my brain. Failure haunts me. Sobriety seems so out of reach. For the 18 months I have been on Suboxone, I considered myself 'sober'. As time has passed, knowledge has increased, and my moods dependence has relied on my medication I realize it is not 100% sobriety. 

I still hold to the fact that Suboxone saved my life. Served as a gateway from heroin to freedom. Suboxone provided the time I needed to gain more mental stability. The counseling and medical attention I needed has further helped me along, and without the medication I doubt I would have made it this far. 

I filled my 24th day with reading, walks, yoga, and writing. I spent time on a recovery forum networking with other drug addicts and opiate users. We are not alone. 

Day 24 was hard and hopeful. I am sure the days ahead will be harder, but each day that passes I think a little more hope comes. Hope for freedom from the trap I loathe so much. 

Day 23- One Cold Turkey Coming Up!

 Today I asked my Dr. what he thought about me going cold turkey. I am down from 2 pills a day to less than 1 pill a day in three weeks. Physically I am already starting to go through the withdrawals, and I feel like continuing to taper will simply prolong the misery. 

We agreed on Friday being the day that I go cold turkey. This gives me a few days to mentally prepare myself. I know that I need a support system in place on many levels for this to happen. 

I went most of the day on only 1/4 of a pill. When I took a 1/2 a pill tonight it made me feel so much better. What an aggravating feeling! To know that we are so dependent on a little expensive pill. I am so over it. 

I know this will be the fight of all fights. Today I read many stories of people who have been through this. My hearts breaks over it. 

If there is anyone that reads this post, please let me know if you have any words of wisdom about the cold turkey thing. I am finding that the online junkie community provides more support for me than almost anything else!

Thanks for reading. Share this with someone if you know they want to quit Subs. Also, take the time to read my http://opiatetrap@blogspot.com blog if you are interested in what a junkie life does to a soul. 

Much love.

Craving Change Day 23

There comes a point for all of us when we crave change. By crave, I mean a desire so potent that it comes from a place deep inside of us, a desire we can't extinguish no matter how much we sleep. 

I find that when I am at this point I have two choices. I give up, or I insert actions powerful enough to move me away from the sameness that haunts my days. 

This craving is what lit the spark in me to get completely away from opiates. I found a doctor and counselor qualified and determined to teach me how I could make the permanent changes necessary to stay sober over a lifetime. I opened this blog as an outlet for my feelings, and as a source of inspiration for others who want to be free of opiates.  

Three weeks into my new fight I find myself craving even more than this. I have lost my focus over the last week. My joy is being overpowered by negative thoughts and days filled living on the edge of dope sickness and depression. 

I see my doctor in a few more hours. I plan to ask him if at this point of taking less than 1 pill a day, should I go ahead and go cold turkey for the rest? Throw all of the withdrawal into a few days, and get on with my life. I honestly do not know what his answer will be. I wish I had access to ex-junkies for some guidance. 

Nevertheless, my first step today was to pray. Next to write, and then I'll force myself on a walk and to do some yoga. Maybe I can jump start my endorphins that way.  know that if I want my circumstances to change I have to change what I do during my day. This will be the part of the fight where I literally have to drag myself through the motions and pray for results. I know that I won't change if I lay around sad all day, so nothing I do can be worse than how I have felt all week. 

The goal is to stay sober and away from a street drug relapse. Thanks to the few of you who are reading and sending me comments. Believe it or not, those few words send me more hope than you can imagine. I am posting this entry on both of my blogs this morning. http://suboxonestopping@blogspot.com & http://opiatetrap@blogspot.com I'll update later on how the day went.