Redirecting?!?!?!

I suppose I should have expected a lot of change and redirecting my goals when I started this detox. (Mental note to those of you preparing to quit) I don't even think I can call it detox at this point anymore. I am all over the place in my addiction to opiates at this point.My goals constantly change and the changes are usually based on my present feelings or emotions. I did quite a bit of prep work physically, mentally, and got quite educated before I began this. It's amazing that even after 9 months of consistent daily habits, they break just that easy if we let them. 

Please check out my post this morning on my Opiate Trap Blog.It is a check in after being absent from posting my daily experiences. 

http://opiatetrap.blogspot.com/2014/07/does-it-really-matter.html

What is one to do when Suboxone Stopping becomes an entirely different thing? Do I continue to log about it. Maybe I should start a new blog? 

Please share your thoughts here, and on the Opiate Trap Blog.


Peace ~J'Elle

31 Days~ Really J'Elle??

"Really J'Elle?"

Boy do those two words go thru my head multiple times a day. 

Picture yourself floating idly in the air. Unable to move from one spot, body tense on the inside and limp on the outside. One hand lifted forward in front of you as though you are reaching for something...almost able to touch it with your dainty fingertips. Paralyzed in fear that if you stretch your hand the teeny tiny last centimeter it needs to stretch in order to reach the object of your affection, that you might lose flight and fall to the ground. Your body shattering like glass into a million pieces from that last small movement.  You also know that if you don't strive for that last reach, you might flail aimlessly forever, stuck and stoic.

Sobriety flirts in my reach. The object of my affection taunting and teasing me. The hopeful love that will be my happily ever after. If happily ever after existed. 

In my dream state of semi-sobriety from my prescription air-bag, I am in shock. There is no where left to go except off of the pills. Despite all of the aches and pains this has been easier than I remember in my last couple of attempts to quit opiates.

Could I have found a way out of the opiate trap? "Are you REALLY doing this J'Elle?"

I took a 1/4 tab again this morning and have a half of a pill left. Day 31 of stopping Suboxone. 

I believe with ALL my heart that if I can do this, anyone can. Dysfunctional, sabotaging everything good, relapse professional J'Elle; making a new life at 35 years old. 

I guess we will see. 

Day 29-Stormy Weather

I am writing this 29 days into quitting taking opiates. Last pill at appx 12 noon. a quarter of a tab. Followed by an immediate appt at my Dr's office. 

It feels like I am in the middle of the storm, but i have a feeling that I am nowhere near the eye. In fact, I believe I am merely approaching the cusp of the eye. 

Good things and harder things are happening on a daily basis. Notice I said harder things.... not bad things. Yeah Yeah Yeah I am not loving those happy, bouncy, sunshiny day types right now, but I will tell you something valuable that I have learned through this process. 

Up to this point, I have found that one of the most valuable commodities to getting op-sobed, is attitude. Yes there is sick and sad and restless legs. Defeat of mind, sick souled, worn weary feelings of despair, but beyond all of those things if you are able to reach out and take some new risks it will take you some place. 

Things are happening that I never believed. On 'H', not only did I feel dead, I was more than 100% sure I'd be underground by now. I hated myself for that. Sometimes still do, but I am paving a new way filled with hope. 

Wow.

24th Day of My Suboxone Taper

Our minds are a powerful thing. I am content in my decision to cold turkey the rest of the way as of Friday. 

However, fear and doubt of myself consume my brain. Failure haunts me. Sobriety seems so out of reach. For the 18 months I have been on Suboxone, I considered myself 'sober'. As time has passed, knowledge has increased, and my moods dependence has relied on my medication I realize it is not 100% sobriety. 

I still hold to the fact that Suboxone saved my life. Served as a gateway from heroin to freedom. Suboxone provided the time I needed to gain more mental stability. The counseling and medical attention I needed has further helped me along, and without the medication I doubt I would have made it this far. 

I filled my 24th day with reading, walks, yoga, and writing. I spent time on a recovery forum networking with other drug addicts and opiate users. We are not alone. 

Day 24 was hard and hopeful. I am sure the days ahead will be harder, but each day that passes I think a little more hope comes. Hope for freedom from the trap I loathe so much. 

Day 23- One Cold Turkey Coming Up!

 Today I asked my Dr. what he thought about me going cold turkey. I am down from 2 pills a day to less than 1 pill a day in three weeks. Physically I am already starting to go through the withdrawals, and I feel like continuing to taper will simply prolong the misery. 

We agreed on Friday being the day that I go cold turkey. This gives me a few days to mentally prepare myself. I know that I need a support system in place on many levels for this to happen. 

I went most of the day on only 1/4 of a pill. When I took a 1/2 a pill tonight it made me feel so much better. What an aggravating feeling! To know that we are so dependent on a little expensive pill. I am so over it. 

I know this will be the fight of all fights. Today I read many stories of people who have been through this. My hearts breaks over it. 

If there is anyone that reads this post, please let me know if you have any words of wisdom about the cold turkey thing. I am finding that the online junkie community provides more support for me than almost anything else!

Thanks for reading. Share this with someone if you know they want to quit Subs. Also, take the time to read my http://opiatetrap@blogspot.com blog if you are interested in what a junkie life does to a soul. 

Much love.

Craving Change Day 23

There comes a point for all of us when we crave change. By crave, I mean a desire so potent that it comes from a place deep inside of us, a desire we can't extinguish no matter how much we sleep. 

I find that when I am at this point I have two choices. I give up, or I insert actions powerful enough to move me away from the sameness that haunts my days. 

This craving is what lit the spark in me to get completely away from opiates. I found a doctor and counselor qualified and determined to teach me how I could make the permanent changes necessary to stay sober over a lifetime. I opened this blog as an outlet for my feelings, and as a source of inspiration for others who want to be free of opiates.  

Three weeks into my new fight I find myself craving even more than this. I have lost my focus over the last week. My joy is being overpowered by negative thoughts and days filled living on the edge of dope sickness and depression. 

I see my doctor in a few more hours. I plan to ask him if at this point of taking less than 1 pill a day, should I go ahead and go cold turkey for the rest? Throw all of the withdrawal into a few days, and get on with my life. I honestly do not know what his answer will be. I wish I had access to ex-junkies for some guidance. 

Nevertheless, my first step today was to pray. Next to write, and then I'll force myself on a walk and to do some yoga. Maybe I can jump start my endorphins that way.  know that if I want my circumstances to change I have to change what I do during my day. This will be the part of the fight where I literally have to drag myself through the motions and pray for results. I know that I won't change if I lay around sad all day, so nothing I do can be worse than how I have felt all week. 

The goal is to stay sober and away from a street drug relapse. Thanks to the few of you who are reading and sending me comments. Believe it or not, those few words send me more hope than you can imagine. I am posting this entry on both of my blogs this morning. http://suboxonestopping@blogspot.com & http://opiatetrap@blogspot.com I'll update later on how the day went. 

Day 22-Will It Ever End?

Today I started out by looking at my situation and wanting to give it a more practical approach. This is how I dealt with it when I decided to get off of Suboxone. As it has gotten more difficult over the last week, I have been very out of whack. 

Years ago I began to look at problems like a war. My life as the battlefield, my problems the enemy, and my coping skills were my armor. 

I realized that if unarmed when attacked by my problems, I will surely lose the war. 

By the end of today, feeling sick, depressed and hopeless, I am ready to surrender. I can only hope this means I am closer to feeling better. Why are things so hard when we are right in the middle of them. 

I am sick with myself for ever being a drug addict. I realize more than ever that I better sharpen my coping skills fast. I'm hardly rational and wonder what life will be like when opiates are a thing of the past.

Day 20

Last night I read a post from a Mom about her son being on Suboxone, and the judgement from people around her. People telling her if he is on Suboxone he is not sober. I can't help but feel weak after reading things like that. I have said before that I believe Suboxone saved my life. On the other hand I do think it is best used as a tool to facilitate sobriety off of all opiates as opposed to a long term solution. 

I do not feel negatively abut anyone who stays on it. I know the hell of heroin and the life it brings. I have been on Suboxone over a year, and I am barely ready to get off of it. Every should do it in their own time in my opinion. It's pointless to do it at all until we are ready. 

Tapering sure is hard! I needed the timing to match up with my support system, and even having those things on point I want to give up many hours of the day. 

there's a salvation in reading ex-junkie blogs. It soothes me to see them on the otherside. It motivates me to keep going. Today I will take an hour at a time. I have not taken my Suboxone for the day yet. I'd like to hold out a few more hours if possible. 

Wish me luck. 

Made It Thru Day 19

A bit hard to believe I will admit. I do not like the feeling ill, tired, under the weather and depressed so much. I do however like that all the 'pain' means I am getting through this ordeal. A little closer each day. 
I did a 1/2 pill this afternoon, and a 1/4 in the early evening. So this week altered between 1/2 and 3/4.

I think the most difficult thing I go through is guilt. The guilt I feel over everything I have done, and that I need to do something like this to become a 'normal' person, really drags me down. 

I guess it is what it is, and since I can't fix the past it doesn't do me much good to stay in guilt. Finding a way to work that out would most likely eliminate a lot of 'symptoms' I am having. Maybe?

I want to do this really quickly. I made the decision to get off Suboxone almost 3 weeks ago. Part of my addict behavior is to require that instant gratification. In this case the absence of Suboxone in my daily life is the gratification. The truth is I have zero desire to live the day to day of it. I suppose there are obvious lessons in walking through the taper as opposed to a sedated rapid detox that I dream about. 

So grateful for my blog as an outlet. I wonder most hours of the day if I am the only one who is like this. 

My final thought is that sobriety on a Friday night is a complete obstacle to climb all on it's own. My phone is not plugged in, so that I do not have to be faced with the choice. 

Day 19 Part One

I had using dreams last night. A rehab counselor once told me that having using dreams means we are purging the drugs from our minds. I am not sure if this is true. I'd love to find out more about that. The effect they have on me is that I seem to feel sad when I wake.

My first order of business was to see Dr. D. He asked me yesterday to come in for an extra session of hypnosis since I have been a bit off track the last few days.

Essentially this is where I wear blinking glasses, headphones, and he talks me into a conscious level. Then he can say things like, "I am realizing how much I want to be free of opiates", or "I will take good care of myself."

I am sorry that my explanation does it NO justice. What I can say is that it works. I highly recommend doing some research on this topic. Hypnosis for addiction, quitting smoking, weight loss, or whatever. Something about reconstructing our feelings and words to ourselves when our brain is at a consciousness in which it can be effected.

I know my  Dr. has a success rate of above over 95% among thousands of patients.

Anyways, Day 19 started sad but took a hard right turn. I am still really struggling with my thoughts, depression, headaches, and anxiety, but I plan to go for a walk and spend a little time with family. I also plan to listen to the CD he burned for me from our session. I figure I have nothing to lose. I haven't taken my Suboxone yet. I plan to put it off as long as I can today. I am quite sure that is effecting my mood as well.

It's all about staying clean from street drugs another day, and continuing my taper off Suboxone.

Day 18

I slept in late today. My first decision was coffee. My 2nd decision was to cancel my day and get back in bed. 

Unfortunately for me, I made a commitment to model my eyes for a live web chat evaluation that my roommate needed to complete so she can start her new job. 

Thank God for that hidden blessing because by the end of it I had decided not to cancel my appointment with Dr. D.  

I decided on honesty being the best policy & let him know that my pill reduction from 3/4 to 1/2 was not going so well. I also admitted my overwhelming fear that my tapering is dangerously close to me being off of them for good. 

We made 2 decisions. 

1. My taper may be a bit fast, and to allow myself the flexibility of 1/2 or 3/4 for a few more days. 
2. To give my medication to a family member for dispersement. This seemingly should have been an obvious move, but I say better late than never. The cheating temptation only became overpowering the last few days. 

The decision to designate the pill control needed to be mine. Small victories...

LAstly I discussed my blog & the nervousness that comes w/ my candid experience, the fear of failure, & and the intense desire to reach out to suffering opiate addicts. 

Dr. D. encouraged me to continue writing, and as you can see I've decided today to keep it going. 

See ya on 19th day! 

Day 17 Midday Check In

So far today is still going better than yesterday. This is my 3rd day taking half a pill. The one thing I hate is I have a headache that hurts worse than any one I have ever had before. I do not know if this is a withdrawal symptom. I plan to try to find out. Nothing will relieve it.

I also feel extremely run down today. I have zero energy and it's hard getting anything done.

Any comments about symptoms would be appreciated.

Day 17- A New Day

I thought I would post my day 17 journal early today. I am almost caught up on typing the handwritten journals, and have been able to write direct onto the blog the last 3 days. Small victories add up!

The negativity consuming my thoughts at bedtime soon transformed into nightmares followed by guilt from blogging that negativity out into the universe. 

I started to delete it, but I remembered I am only human. Certainly not a perfect human. If my ability to be candid about my withdrawal process is thwarted by insecurities, it feels like a pointless gesture to share.  

I woke up bright and early! As my alarm began to beep at 8:00am, (early for me) I heard the voice of my sweet housemate calling out for me to get up. I left my house for a nice long walk, and the fresh air did me wonders. 

As much as I detest getting up early to walk, it's nice to start the day with a victory. The air cleared my thoughts and I refocused my Suboxone tapering goals. Bringing it back to simple terms worked for me today. 

I only have to worry about now. At lunch time I can worry about lunch time, and tonight I can worry about tonight. Worrying about tomorrow accomplishes one thing- putting me in a mindset to give up. If I wake up tomorrow, I can worry at that time. 

I have gone from 2 8mg pills a day to half of an 8mg pill a day. 

Thats a 14mg decrease! I have something to be proud of, and I've decided to allow myself to feel good about that for a moment. 

I am TERRIFIED of the next step because that step means this journey is almost over and I have not lived opiate free in a very very long time. 

We shall see where I am at the end of today. For anyone reading this who is thinking about quitting opiates. Take that first step! That's all you need. We don't even have to worry about what comes next just yet.  

Day 16- Ready to Give Up

Feelings come and go, so I am trying to discipline myself to commit to something regardless of how I feel. Today I feel as if I will not stop using. SOme parts of the day I even think I don't want to stop.

Why the hell wouldn't I want to stop after the traumatic, miserable,  death of a life I've been in?

I need to remember this is why drugs are a trap! They want you to love them so they make you high, That is the trap.

Going to ride out this self defeating emotion and wake up tomorrow to day 17.