Redirecting?!?!?!

I suppose I should have expected a lot of change and redirecting my goals when I started this detox. (Mental note to those of you preparing to quit) I don't even think I can call it detox at this point anymore. I am all over the place in my addiction to opiates at this point.My goals constantly change and the changes are usually based on my present feelings or emotions. I did quite a bit of prep work physically, mentally, and got quite educated before I began this. It's amazing that even after 9 months of consistent daily habits, they break just that easy if we let them. 

Please check out my post this morning on my Opiate Trap Blog.It is a check in after being absent from posting my daily experiences. 

http://opiatetrap.blogspot.com/2014/07/does-it-really-matter.html

What is one to do when Suboxone Stopping becomes an entirely different thing? Do I continue to log about it. Maybe I should start a new blog? 

Please share your thoughts here, and on the Opiate Trap Blog.


Peace ~J'Elle

Day 44: Self Control Means I Control Myself

I realize this is not in order. Slowly but surely I am putting up last weeks logs.

This morning I woke up very early. My weekend of slumber decided to kick me back out into the real world again. I'm not mad at it though. In fact I am happy that it possibly means I will fall asleep before 5am, and I can begin cycling back onto a semi normal schedule. 

As usual over the last week, my attitude sucked from the moment I opened my eyes. It is an irritating situation when you are such a grouch that you don't even want to deal with your own self. 

On the bright side, once you get to that point of utter stagnancy and annoyance, making a bold move seems more favorable than continuing along the road of blah. 

I am not sure if it was luck or chance or fate... you can call it what you want, but a necasary turning point took place for me today. My personal belief is that people have been praying for me on the many days I haven't been able to believe I am worth praying for myself. I woke up at an early 6:30am.

I planted myself on the carpet in my den and switched on the TV. What do ya know, the first thing that I hear on the channel happens to be an exact replica of what I am NOT doing right in my life.  If I wanted to be cliche and genericly untrue I could say that this surprised me, but in fact it is quite the opposite. I find the world is made up of all sorts of things that I cannot understand but somehow bring harmony and existence together in a way that 'fits' ito our individual paths. 

Simply put- we are given signs and secrets to help us navigate our future in a positive way. However we might not position ourselves in a way that we can accept or even hear what is loudly being projected right in front of us. 

Thank God for those times that we are!

If things in life were happening exactly the way that we wanted, everything lined up, financial burdens at ease, and relationships operating along in great way, how would I be acting today?

Would I wake up in a state of anger? Barely pulling my tired body out of bed.  Exerting almost all of my energy into erasing the permanent scowl morphed onto my face? 

Most likely I'd bounce up cheerfully and excited for the day. What trials and tribulations can I not conquer if things are how I want them? 

Why need faith on those days? I'd be sailing along with ease.

Here are the next things that came out of that TV and into my brain.

If I can learn how to do the right thing while I am hurting, then no devil in hell that can keep me from the palace. I have to learn to do what is right while I am hurting. To do what is right when right things are not happening to me. 

When I hurt I need to do what I'd do if everything in my life was going exactly the way I want it to.

When I am hurting I need to act how I would if I was not hurting at all. 

When I am really hurting it takes alot of discipline to do what is right.

Self control means we control ourself.

Excuse: I can't help it! YES I CAN!

Pain can rule my behavior.

Wow. Talk about preaching to the choir!

Here is an outline of what I got from the show I watched. 

1. When I am hurting do not counter attack and go wild.

~gonna do anything I wanna do

~gonna eat what I want

~gonna buy whatever I want

? How is that gonna get the get me to where I want? 

2. Do not withdrawal, isolate, sulk, have a pity party. Sit around and get depressed.

I can be pitiful and powerful but I can't be both at the same time. 

Someone else on this planet is hurting worse than me. (wow)

3. do not believe the lie that God is punishing me for something I have done in the past. 

Not the biz that God is in

God remembers our sin no more when we ask for forgiveness. 

It is a lie to say I cant get over my wrongs

4. do not blame God and get mad at him. 

My disappointments come from me not getting what I want. 

5. when i am hurting do not give up and think I have no way out. 

6. do not passivly accept injustice- fight it

when i am in the middle hurting sooo bad i need to do all the good i can do for as many peole as i can as often as i can. 

This is the best strategy to move forward!

Overcome evil with good.!!!!!

I am not gonna win with a bad attitude r hating everyone...being jealous...

Trust that my life can be good.

work good out of bad things

7. when i am hurting, keep my commitments. keep my word. do what i tell people i would do. I will in no way break my commitment. 

Do i wanna be one of those people who does not keep commitments. 

Honor. Get honor back.

What is honor.

Do what is right b/c it is right. 

Be a person of my word!!!!!!

Hang on to my integrity- it is in these times that build character

If I am hurting so bad i can't stand it and i keep my commitments I AM GROWING SPIRITUALY AND AFTER TODAY I AM ONE DAY CLOSER TO MY DREAMS.

I CANT GET FROM THE PIT TO THE PALACE WITHOUT GOING THRU THE MIDDLE.

HOW AM I GONNA ACT IN THE MIDDLE? (I haven't been doing great so far)

HOW I ACT IN THE MIDDLE PARTIALLY DETERMINES HOW I WILL GET THERE. and how fast!

anyone can do whats right when things are good, not many people can do whats right when things are horrible.

Bad days are ok but for the most part who do i wanna be?

I know that it has been hard to stay in a bad attitude since I have been mulling over these perspectives. Needless to say, today was a better day, and I believe I will have better days ahead.

~J

Day 50-U Can Run but Ya Can't Hide!

Somewhere in the vicinity of 3am Tuesday morning and I find myself unable to sleep. Again. This time my insomnia is not brought on by annoying withdrawal symptoms, but by a mind that won't stop thinking. Plagued by thoughts of remorse that come along with the very thing I created for myself as an outlet for the stress and screeching voices hollering at me from inside the addicts mind. My blogs. Somewhere I have dropped the ball on reporting my progress (or lack there of), to a cyber world of readers that may or may not exist. 

My writing and enthusiasm developed into a rather consistent and productive outlet over the first month. The enthusiasm has not died, but my insides feel nauseated over the fact that I think I am not making enough progress. Am I a let down? As a day passed by and I ignored my online therapy I  allowed an onset of shame to plant seed in my soul. Each day that I did not write acted as the fertilizer that turned that shame seed into a weed infested guilt garden! My mind tells me that if I  mess up I mine as well give up.

If you struggle with addiction in way shape or form this concept will seem quite familiar. As I fight my insomnia I realize that 8 or 9 days does not a failure make!!! I mean, duh...right? The more I allowed my thoughts to unravel over the hours the more I realize that this is all still a part of who I am. A living breathing pattern of my addictive behaviors, and a very real part of my recovery. My goal is to not give up!

No matter how long I stay off the computer, or how many hours I sleep and want to ignore even the smallest set backs, my problems will not go away. 

SO, this is my attempt to grab hold of a new concept I will call- not running away from something so long that I make it irreparable by my own actions. Here on the early hours of day 50 of my road to recovery, I will not give up. I am still on the pills. A very low dose. A bit stagnant on the process. This last week has been different in my actions and in my thoughts. I have been journaling everyday, only on paper so that I could feed my silly fear of failure by logging onto google.

I am hoping this entry will help me to sleep a few hours. I plan to take my laptop to Starbucks and spend an hour or two going through emails, comments, etc and typing up my last week of journals. 

Until then... J'Elle

Day 39: Knowledge Without Action Doesn't Do Alot

First off, I'd like to clarify the importance I hold in blogging these little details. I try to be candid and genuine about the good and the bad. Recognizing the bad opens up my eyes to reasons I may have relapsed in the past. I am able to sort out my strengths and weaknesses. 

Addiction is a dirty, sneaky, tricky lil demon who will continue to tell you that you will fail until you shut him up! 'A Naughty Child' was the phrase one person used. 

Posting the negatives gives me a sort of clarity that I don't get by keeping my fears bottled up. 

I learn more from other addicts and their stories, journeys, and truths than I have from any professional. Maybe I should phrase that by saying I learn different things from addicts than things I learn from professionals. Both are useful!

Today was a lazier day than usual. I am still not able to sleep much. I think I fell asleep as the sun was coming up this morning. At least I get a couple hours. Between the withdrawals and the flood of feelings I've been numbing for 2 years my brain operates on overload all night.

It is nice to know that there are people who really do care enough to spare a kind word or a helpful suggestion. It feels very needy to be focusing on my recovery so much, and I do not like that.

I try to remember that for 21 years I have been dealing with pain in unhealthy ways. That is 2 decades of beating myself up and trying to cope. I can donate a month or two to try to change that. If I look at it from that perspective it chills me out a little. 


During the bad days I seem to put off a lot of things I need to be doing. Exercise, reading, praying, working in my decision book, listening to my hypnosis CD's etc.  

We can have all the knowledge in the world about what we need to do, but it is a total waste if we don't practice what we know will help. 

Seems like a simple concept. Putting it into motion in the midst of recovery...not so simple. Nevertheless I am glad I recognized that, and have tried to change that today. 

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

Day 38- Really Struggling at This Point

My brain is so fudged up I can barely think clearly. All my rational motivation for myself is out the window. I am terrified. BUT I still want to quit.

I really need some advice. First off I feel ridiculously weak b/c I wanted to cold turkey like 2 weeks ago. 

I gave myself a break due to my short amount of taper days.

Here I sit in the same exact position. It's like I am dragging out the feeling Sh!**y feeling that comes with w/d's. The small piece I take here n there does nothing but prolong the time I'm not clean.

My sleep is all jacked up, I am super frustrated, exhausted, and today I pulled a junkie move. Refilled 3 pills at the pharmacy like usual. I usually cut them up into 1 or 2 mg pieces & give the bottle to family to hold so I won't be tempted. Today I cut them up into enuf pieces so it looked like I didn't take much- but I took like 3 or 4 pieces. Prolly equivalent to just less than 1 full pill. 

I wanted that feeling of relief that comes with stopping w/d & I got relief. Temporarily. Maybe a few hours and that's only b/c I've been on such a low dose. 

Totally not worth the guilt and disappointment that it left me with.

I can't seem to clear my head enough to wrap it around the decision to STOP TAKING THEM! I block it out when I even start to think. 

Sometimes I feel like if I didn't have any more pills left to refill that will be the only way to stop. But I was told today I have more. :-( 

So I need a plan. Do I come clean w/ my fam, and tell them not to give me any? Do I get it done this weekend? Or do I keep taking them until I feel ready to stop? I need some direction. Some words of wisdom, or someone to make me a plan bc I am dropping the ball!  

I do not know where all this fear is coming from. I was doing well for the first month. But the thought of not taking them... omg I can't picture how to get there anymore. 

If ever there was a day I need support and advice it's today.

Preventing Relapse

I plan to merge blogs soon for easier access. In the mean time-check out my relapse prevention theory!


Part 2: http://opiatetrap.blogspot.com/2014/05/preventingrelapse2.blogspot.com.html

Part 1: http://opiatetrap.blogspot.com/2014/05/preventingrelapse.blogspot.com

Gonna Vent NOT Use-Day 33

One of the things I dislike about myself is that when the going gets tough, I lose all motivation & stop doing the things I love. 
This was a hard weekend. I could barely bring myself to move let alone write... Boo Hoo right? 
 I will be the first to say I'll never change unless I CHANGE!

I mustered up the effort to post my feelings on an incredible recovery forum I've been a part of. My post for day 33 will simply be the content from that thread. 

Hope you enjoy!

ME: I am at the tail end of my Suboxone detox. Prolly only have a few days left.
I find on this Saturday night instead of leg cramps, depression and nausea, I'd prefer a needle or a pipe. No discrimination..I'll take whatever I can find. 

This is my attempt to start changing my dirty habits. 

I find that when I relapse it usually happens like this:

-have the thought of getting high
-obsess on it
-glorify it until I convince myself
-refuse to think of anything else except how to score until I do it

So, I know that in posting here I am forced to type it out which requires thinking about the millions of bad things instead of the one good thing. (the glorified 5 second good thing.)

For me, H has been the most difficult to put behind me. Thanks for letting mw vent. I think deep down I don't really want to.

Comment 1: No, DEEP down, You DON'T want to - it's just that crazy old mind song playing in the head again. But it's NOT you - can you see it play ? There's you watching it , hearing it, there's You and the old song playing- they're separate. Stay with the REAL you - find the quiet within, even for for a few seconds here and a few seconds there. Step out of the mind and find that quiet "space "within- rest there . Be at ease, breath.... It'll pass. Trust.

Comment 2: Type more than a couple paragraphs. Type out the whole story of your past using days. Do it in OneNote or somewhere if you don't want it online. You've got to remember how bad it really was instead of falling into the circular seeking behavior.

Comment 3:

Deep down you don't really want to


That's not you talking ........

Comment 4: I am glad you posted this. My thought process was pretty much the exact same, but I never actually wrote it out. It is great that you have identified it so you can do something about it. How do you plan to battle the cravings and to stop it before it gets to number 4 on your list?

Comment 5: How about interrupt it at #1 ? It is the thought of using which is the signal to intervene. What are you feeling just before those thoughts come ? Are you feeling overwhelmed by something in your current situation ? Are you feeling trapped in some way ? Or helpless? I read that addiction is only a symptom of an unlying feeling of powerlessness/trapped helplessness and for long-term soberity to stick, you need to identify the real issues driving the need to escape. Do you feel any of these emotions,friend ? If so, what can you change to lessen those feelings? What empowering action(s) can you take?

My Response: - I am really scared of screwing up again is at the root of it. Been 12 or more years without going a week clean.. I always get sober and relapse. Some minutes I feel great like I can do it this time, next minute I am like wtf why am I trying. 

I rented pay per per view and watched Netflix all night.. since I am sleeping little to none right now.. Stayed clean.

Comment 6: That's SO awesome - you rode it out and it passed !!! You should pat yourself on the bat - or at least do it for me ! Just take it one day at a time - that's enough. Don't worry about tomorrow - you never have to handle more than today. Forget the rest and when the mind story gets going , catch it and stop it. Keep reminding your mind that today is enough and try to see if you can find some ease in just staying present . It's a real challenge, I know, but it's a challenge that will help you on so many levels. And the more clean days you stack, the easier it'll be to do this and other other positive things. Just keep it simple - today is all you need to take care of. Keep moving forward,, Lady - you passed yesterday's test - you can pass today's!

To be honest, I have been lonely as hell during the last 2 years of using, and the longer I try to get sober the lonelier I get. I can imagine hell should be so isolating. I could count on one hand the people interested in what's up with me- and there was a day I had more friends than I knew what to do with. That's another topic though...hard for people to wanna be friends with a junkie loser.

Last night- those complete junkie and ex-junkie STRANGERS gave a crap enough to give me those no BS replies. I did not expect a response at all. I figured people would glance and roll through. 

Amazing that in the world we live in where junkies are trash and the sober people are 'good', that an addict cares enough to rise up and help a total stranger day after day! It's amazing. It was amazing not to feel alone when I logged on and saw that people cared if I never logged on again...

I posted this on http://opiatetrap.blogspot.com as well. It is important to me that one person who is hopeless and alone might benefit from seeing that they can reach out. It is worth the post if even one  person reaches out for help. I am only one person, and I lived through many nights where I was lucky to see the next morning. Seeing hope may have made a difference..? 

30 Days!!!

I love that I am down to about 1/4 of a pill a day. There is of course, disappintment in not being cold turkey the last few ds. I am trying to look at it from the standpoint of aim high and if I miss it's alright. We can never dream too big.

The fact that I haven't given up or gone back to street dope is extremely exciting for me. 

The fact that I haven't given up or gone back to street drugs is extremely terrifying for me. 

My brain wages war between those two statements knowing that the nature of the beast is always to attack.

In this circumstance the beast is my addiction. 

I am not without w/d symptoms. Restless legs are the most hated. Along with nausea and depression. These are my top 3. I am positive that preparation has been my ally for the past month. By that I mean physical and emotional preparation. 

I wll outline more about how I have been doing this in a simplified manner for those of you who might want to detox.

thanks to my readers, (assuming I have one) and keep cheering me on and keeping me in your good thoughts please!
Don't forget to share with those in need.

~J'Elle

Day 26

I am a believer in God and the Bible. I am most definitely not here to preach to anyone or attempt a conversion. Believing in god is simply a part of who I am, and my relationship with him is a tool that I use in my life, specifically in my recovery. 

In all honesty, if you look at the bible you can retain plenty of factual and practical life habits whether or not you believe spiritually. 

I have an actual point. Today I went cold turkey off of Suboxone, and so far it's believing there is something better on the other side of this hell I am enduring that carries me. God knows I do not have the strength to carry myself all day every day. 

I will be honest and say I do not know how much further I can go. Sometimes it literally is hour by hour. Telling myself I do not need to call the dope man minute by minute. 

If it gets THAT bad, I hope I will remember I have Suboxone at the pharmacy instead of calling the dope man. For an addict it doesn't always work that way in our messy little brains. 

Day 23- One Cold Turkey Coming Up!

 Today I asked my Dr. what he thought about me going cold turkey. I am down from 2 pills a day to less than 1 pill a day in three weeks. Physically I am already starting to go through the withdrawals, and I feel like continuing to taper will simply prolong the misery. 

We agreed on Friday being the day that I go cold turkey. This gives me a few days to mentally prepare myself. I know that I need a support system in place on many levels for this to happen. 

I went most of the day on only 1/4 of a pill. When I took a 1/2 a pill tonight it made me feel so much better. What an aggravating feeling! To know that we are so dependent on a little expensive pill. I am so over it. 

I know this will be the fight of all fights. Today I read many stories of people who have been through this. My hearts breaks over it. 

If there is anyone that reads this post, please let me know if you have any words of wisdom about the cold turkey thing. I am finding that the online junkie community provides more support for me than almost anything else!

Thanks for reading. Share this with someone if you know they want to quit Subs. Also, take the time to read my http://opiatetrap@blogspot.com blog if you are interested in what a junkie life does to a soul. 

Much love.

Craving Change Day 23

There comes a point for all of us when we crave change. By crave, I mean a desire so potent that it comes from a place deep inside of us, a desire we can't extinguish no matter how much we sleep. 

I find that when I am at this point I have two choices. I give up, or I insert actions powerful enough to move me away from the sameness that haunts my days. 

This craving is what lit the spark in me to get completely away from opiates. I found a doctor and counselor qualified and determined to teach me how I could make the permanent changes necessary to stay sober over a lifetime. I opened this blog as an outlet for my feelings, and as a source of inspiration for others who want to be free of opiates.  

Three weeks into my new fight I find myself craving even more than this. I have lost my focus over the last week. My joy is being overpowered by negative thoughts and days filled living on the edge of dope sickness and depression. 

I see my doctor in a few more hours. I plan to ask him if at this point of taking less than 1 pill a day, should I go ahead and go cold turkey for the rest? Throw all of the withdrawal into a few days, and get on with my life. I honestly do not know what his answer will be. I wish I had access to ex-junkies for some guidance. 

Nevertheless, my first step today was to pray. Next to write, and then I'll force myself on a walk and to do some yoga. Maybe I can jump start my endorphins that way.  know that if I want my circumstances to change I have to change what I do during my day. This will be the part of the fight where I literally have to drag myself through the motions and pray for results. I know that I won't change if I lay around sad all day, so nothing I do can be worse than how I have felt all week. 

The goal is to stay sober and away from a street drug relapse. Thanks to the few of you who are reading and sending me comments. Believe it or not, those few words send me more hope than you can imagine. I am posting this entry on both of my blogs this morning. http://suboxonestopping@blogspot.com & http://opiatetrap@blogspot.com I'll update later on how the day went. 

Day 21: Week 3 Officially Over

I AM PROUD TO SAY I HAVE STAYED ON THIS TRACK WITHOUT GIVING UP OR A RELAPSE FOR OFFICIALLY 3 WEEKS. 

TOMORROW I SEE DR D AGAIN, AND I HOPE TO SET A PLAN IN PLACE THAT HAS ME OFF OF OPIATES IN 2 MORE WEEKS. I JUST CANT SEE PROLONGING THIS FOR MUCH LONGER. IF THE WORST IS STILL TO COME I WANT TO GET IT OVER WITH AND GET ON WITH MY LIFE. 

A LONG WALK AND AN EVENING WITH FAMILY MADE THIS DAY BETTER. 

Day 21 & Easter

I am weary from struggle. Tired from the focus that drugs bring during both the using period, and the recovery period. Some days I have Wonder Woman sized strength to take it on, others I have no strength at all. 

Today marks the 3 week mark for my Suboxone taper. I had a little reminder this morning that came just in the nick of time. 

It reminded me why I started this blog. Not only for me, but for anyone who may need the courage to try to get free of opiates. I know that I cannot go backwards in time. I can only take another step toward being completely sober from opiates. 

While that seems like such an impossible feat, I know there are others who have done it. I am trying to be grateful today that I am doing it by choice. I could be drying out in a jail cell or mental institution and believe me that wasn't too far away from where I was as a junkie. 

Thanks for reading and Happy Easter!

Day 20 Is Finally Over

I apologize in advance for the negativity in this post but I want to be honest. 

Most of the day I was in a rotten mood. Although I do not get a 'high' feeling from taking Suboxone, it's clearly something. Not taking the usual amount is making me feel like I am void of any happiness. I know that if I took my full 2 pills then the bad mood wood most likely go away. 

Not only is that irritating but a reminder that I HATE being a slave to opiates. It confuses me that I switch back and forth from I want to give up to I will keep on this track. If I am in the midst of being fully aware of what opiates are doing to me, you would think giving up would be the last thing on my mind. 

I guess if anyone looks at my blog, then they will know I gave up when my posts stop. For now I'd like to keep going. After being halfway through the tapering process it seems a waste to quit. The scary part is knowing the horrible feeling I had today will increase as the Suboxone in body continues to decrease.

Day 21 is tomorrow. # weeks into my detox plan.  

A reminder to share this blog with a loved one or through social media to help reach the addicts who need a first step!

Made It Thru Day 19

A bit hard to believe I will admit. I do not like the feeling ill, tired, under the weather and depressed so much. I do however like that all the 'pain' means I am getting through this ordeal. A little closer each day. 
I did a 1/2 pill this afternoon, and a 1/4 in the early evening. So this week altered between 1/2 and 3/4.

I think the most difficult thing I go through is guilt. The guilt I feel over everything I have done, and that I need to do something like this to become a 'normal' person, really drags me down. 

I guess it is what it is, and since I can't fix the past it doesn't do me much good to stay in guilt. Finding a way to work that out would most likely eliminate a lot of 'symptoms' I am having. Maybe?

I want to do this really quickly. I made the decision to get off Suboxone almost 3 weeks ago. Part of my addict behavior is to require that instant gratification. In this case the absence of Suboxone in my daily life is the gratification. The truth is I have zero desire to live the day to day of it. I suppose there are obvious lessons in walking through the taper as opposed to a sedated rapid detox that I dream about. 

So grateful for my blog as an outlet. I wonder most hours of the day if I am the only one who is like this. 

My final thought is that sobriety on a Friday night is a complete obstacle to climb all on it's own. My phone is not plugged in, so that I do not have to be faced with the choice. 

End of day 17

Well my head is going to split open by now and I am attempting to go to sleep earlier than usual. Seeing the Doc tomorrow. Grateful for comments and suggestions I read from readers. I think that may be one of the most encouraging aspects of doing something like this. Remembering people have been where I am, and people who are trying to get to this point.