43 Days out of a Lifetime

After not wanting to turn on my computer for almost 3 days, I booted up. To my surprise I had lots of emails. Comments from an addicts mother, other junkies, and other people I didn't know...people with no obligation to my recovery.

The sight of those things brought the first tears  my eyes have been able to produce in weeks.  I cried uncontrollably as I read the words typed into cyberspace by strangers who offered their genuine support. Even when I hate myself and think I am doomed-someone is thinking of me. Someone has cried these same tears, bled these same wounds, and felt hopeless in front of me. I am not the first girl lying desperate at the mercy of the devil disguised as heroin. My father is not the 1st who holds onto hope while he watches his pride and joy agonize over something too foreign for him to understand.

 43 days seems like forever sometimes. 43 days also seems like nothing. There are so many ways to put recovery and the act of becoming sober into perspective. 

The lack of sleep from the past week or so must have caught up to me, because I slept most from Saturday/early Sunday until about 1pm today. I woke up a few hours here and there...

Saturday I was so upset with this whole subject I flushed the Suboxone I had left and took the choice of that relief away from myself. Unfortunately I still have some at the pharmacy. 

Somehow I was able to get thru about 48 hours without a pill. When I woke up today I started screaming like a child. I slammed my pillow at the wall and my father- who graciously has been staying at my house to support me thru this asked if I was ok. I screamed that I hated being awake! Why can't I just stay asleep!!

The only thing worse to me than feeling that way, is seeing the pain in my father's eyes. This man has taught me what unconditional love is. He has never blamed me, judged me, guilted me, or put me down. He IS the reason I ever made it off of the street and even tried getting sober.

Somedays it seems like other addicts have it easier, or don't go thru the same things as me. I know this is a bratty thing to say, but I didn't open this blog to sugarcoat my thoughts. I am pretty sure I am not the only one that thinks they are not meant to have a good sober life. 

We refilled 3 more Suboxone and after about 51 hours without one I took appx 1.5mg. I do not feel great about it, but it is what it is. I made up my mind that I was going to find a way to score some dope, so I negotiated myself into taking meds instead. 

I asked my father to not give me another piece for at least 24 more hours. I am praying I will turn that 24 hours into 48hr. Maybe that 48hrs will become a week...and maybe I will smile again someday soon.

Sincerely thanking those who have reached out to me..~J

Gonna Vent NOT Use-Day 33

One of the things I dislike about myself is that when the going gets tough, I lose all motivation & stop doing the things I love. 
This was a hard weekend. I could barely bring myself to move let alone write... Boo Hoo right? 
 I will be the first to say I'll never change unless I CHANGE!

I mustered up the effort to post my feelings on an incredible recovery forum I've been a part of. My post for day 33 will simply be the content from that thread. 

Hope you enjoy!

ME: I am at the tail end of my Suboxone detox. Prolly only have a few days left.
I find on this Saturday night instead of leg cramps, depression and nausea, I'd prefer a needle or a pipe. No discrimination..I'll take whatever I can find. 

This is my attempt to start changing my dirty habits. 

I find that when I relapse it usually happens like this:

-have the thought of getting high
-obsess on it
-glorify it until I convince myself
-refuse to think of anything else except how to score until I do it

So, I know that in posting here I am forced to type it out which requires thinking about the millions of bad things instead of the one good thing. (the glorified 5 second good thing.)

For me, H has been the most difficult to put behind me. Thanks for letting mw vent. I think deep down I don't really want to.

Comment 1: No, DEEP down, You DON'T want to - it's just that crazy old mind song playing in the head again. But it's NOT you - can you see it play ? There's you watching it , hearing it, there's You and the old song playing- they're separate. Stay with the REAL you - find the quiet within, even for for a few seconds here and a few seconds there. Step out of the mind and find that quiet "space "within- rest there . Be at ease, breath.... It'll pass. Trust.

Comment 2: Type more than a couple paragraphs. Type out the whole story of your past using days. Do it in OneNote or somewhere if you don't want it online. You've got to remember how bad it really was instead of falling into the circular seeking behavior.

Comment 3:

Deep down you don't really want to


That's not you talking ........

Comment 4: I am glad you posted this. My thought process was pretty much the exact same, but I never actually wrote it out. It is great that you have identified it so you can do something about it. How do you plan to battle the cravings and to stop it before it gets to number 4 on your list?

Comment 5: How about interrupt it at #1 ? It is the thought of using which is the signal to intervene. What are you feeling just before those thoughts come ? Are you feeling overwhelmed by something in your current situation ? Are you feeling trapped in some way ? Or helpless? I read that addiction is only a symptom of an unlying feeling of powerlessness/trapped helplessness and for long-term soberity to stick, you need to identify the real issues driving the need to escape. Do you feel any of these emotions,friend ? If so, what can you change to lessen those feelings? What empowering action(s) can you take?

My Response: - I am really scared of screwing up again is at the root of it. Been 12 or more years without going a week clean.. I always get sober and relapse. Some minutes I feel great like I can do it this time, next minute I am like wtf why am I trying. 

I rented pay per per view and watched Netflix all night.. since I am sleeping little to none right now.. Stayed clean.

Comment 6: That's SO awesome - you rode it out and it passed !!! You should pat yourself on the bat - or at least do it for me ! Just take it one day at a time - that's enough. Don't worry about tomorrow - you never have to handle more than today. Forget the rest and when the mind story gets going , catch it and stop it. Keep reminding your mind that today is enough and try to see if you can find some ease in just staying present . It's a real challenge, I know, but it's a challenge that will help you on so many levels. And the more clean days you stack, the easier it'll be to do this and other other positive things. Just keep it simple - today is all you need to take care of. Keep moving forward,, Lady - you passed yesterday's test - you can pass today's!

To be honest, I have been lonely as hell during the last 2 years of using, and the longer I try to get sober the lonelier I get. I can imagine hell should be so isolating. I could count on one hand the people interested in what's up with me- and there was a day I had more friends than I knew what to do with. That's another topic though...hard for people to wanna be friends with a junkie loser.

Last night- those complete junkie and ex-junkie STRANGERS gave a crap enough to give me those no BS replies. I did not expect a response at all. I figured people would glance and roll through. 

Amazing that in the world we live in where junkies are trash and the sober people are 'good', that an addict cares enough to rise up and help a total stranger day after day! It's amazing. It was amazing not to feel alone when I logged on and saw that people cared if I never logged on again...

I posted this on http://opiatetrap.blogspot.com as well. It is important to me that one person who is hopeless and alone might benefit from seeing that they can reach out. It is worth the post if even one  person reaches out for help. I am only one person, and I lived through many nights where I was lucky to see the next morning. Seeing hope may have made a difference..? 

Weary End of Day 32

No matter how weary though, I am here another day!

What a day! I attempted to keep busy and distract my over-analyzing brain from dwelling on the fact that this is pretty much done!

As I mentioned this morning, I would not take any Suboxone this morning. I waited until about 7:30pm, and took the better half of a 1/4 of a pill, and about 30 minutes later took the remainder of the quarter. 

I believe that is progress again and I am pleased. 

Tomorrow's goal will be to put my dose off as long as possible. 

As my taper progresses, I am weary. This is very difficult. I am not certain if the mental energy demanded has me beat up, or if the leg pain, dizzy, clammy, lightheaded, nauseated with every move stuff is breaking me. I am positive the 3 hours I slept last night exacerbate it all.

I am not in the mindset to give up during this late night write, but I wonder if the weary may weigh my soul too hard if I have another day like this. Thankfully days seldom repeat themselves. 

The sadness is crippling. I read today on the soberrecovery.com site about a woman who is 4 months off opiates, lifeless, and depressed. She is certain that her fate is sealed. I prayed for her on the spot that she find her smile.

I am fortunate have the good days I've had. They remind me I smiled lately. I must have gone weeks, maybe 6 months where I stayed home by myself and never smiled. Knowledge is power and will do me well as far as helping me naturally reboot my endorphins. 

Lots of walks, even the 45 second ones. Playing my guitar. Listening to music. Writing. Forcing myself to watch funny TV so i will laugh. Jumping up and down like a fool. Yoga. Wall push-ups. Punching pillows. Telling myself I am not a loser in the mirror. (even through tears)  All things that aid in getting signals to your brain for 'happy chemical production.

Sometimes I feel alone based on the negative feelings I have. I wonder if everyone struggles so hard to keep them positive? 

I want to beat this and learn from it. My goal to be 'sober' is almost non-existent. People get sober and stay there. 

Sober for me will be a pit stop along the way. Someone needs to reach out into the world differently from whats been done. There are still MILLIONS of addicts and it keeps growing. Hurting people. Men, women, and kids that want to hang onto their freedom and don't know how to. I know saving the world won't happen through me, but I can put my story out there and try to help another self destructing ashamed addict find their way through.

Peace.

Day 29-Stormy Weather

I am writing this 29 days into quitting taking opiates. Last pill at appx 12 noon. a quarter of a tab. Followed by an immediate appt at my Dr's office. 

It feels like I am in the middle of the storm, but i have a feeling that I am nowhere near the eye. In fact, I believe I am merely approaching the cusp of the eye. 

Good things and harder things are happening on a daily basis. Notice I said harder things.... not bad things. Yeah Yeah Yeah I am not loving those happy, bouncy, sunshiny day types right now, but I will tell you something valuable that I have learned through this process. 

Up to this point, I have found that one of the most valuable commodities to getting op-sobed, is attitude. Yes there is sick and sad and restless legs. Defeat of mind, sick souled, worn weary feelings of despair, but beyond all of those things if you are able to reach out and take some new risks it will take you some place. 

Things are happening that I never believed. On 'H', not only did I feel dead, I was more than 100% sure I'd be underground by now. I hated myself for that. Sometimes still do, but I am paving a new way filled with hope. 

Wow.

27th Day on This Train

Well, 27 days into my Suboxone taper and what a ride it has been. Experiencing every emotion that I can think of, it's most definitely a whirlwind! 

Today I struggled more with the upset stomach, major depression, and the RLS was starting to get a bit nuts! (RLS=restless leg syndrome) 

Here's how my day went:

12pm (ish): Forced self to sit in sun. Lasted about 3 minutes.

1:30pm: Picked up my guitar and jammed out some notes for about 5 minutes.

2pm: Friend called and took me to lunch and then Starbucks. Lifesaver!!!

4:30: Started freaking out & dragged myself on a 10 minute walk.

7pm: Picked up some Clonidine from the Pharmacy

8:30: Watched a movie / my Dad, took some Clonidine and a small piece of Suboxone. (appx .5mg) :-(

Single most motivating thing today: fellow ex-junkie asking me if I'd be able to get up and find energy for a free kilo that would be a 5 mile walk away. WOW! Talk about putting things into perspective. Mind over matter baby! That is SO much of it!

I am not going to be too hard on myself. I am in a good place at the moment. Tomorrow I will keep going. My motto right now is one day at a time. Hoping to go 48 hours with no Subs and then take it from there. Quite honestly, with al the crazy thoughts that ran through my head today, I am glad I did not pick up the phone and have a full blown stupid relapse. This is tough!!!! Not giving up yet. ~J'Elle

Day 26

I am a believer in God and the Bible. I am most definitely not here to preach to anyone or attempt a conversion. Believing in god is simply a part of who I am, and my relationship with him is a tool that I use in my life, specifically in my recovery. 

In all honesty, if you look at the bible you can retain plenty of factual and practical life habits whether or not you believe spiritually. 

I have an actual point. Today I went cold turkey off of Suboxone, and so far it's believing there is something better on the other side of this hell I am enduring that carries me. God knows I do not have the strength to carry myself all day every day. 

I will be honest and say I do not know how much further I can go. Sometimes it literally is hour by hour. Telling myself I do not need to call the dope man minute by minute. 

If it gets THAT bad, I hope I will remember I have Suboxone at the pharmacy instead of calling the dope man. For an addict it doesn't always work that way in our messy little brains. 

Day 22-Will It Ever End?

Today I started out by looking at my situation and wanting to give it a more practical approach. This is how I dealt with it when I decided to get off of Suboxone. As it has gotten more difficult over the last week, I have been very out of whack. 

Years ago I began to look at problems like a war. My life as the battlefield, my problems the enemy, and my coping skills were my armor. 

I realized that if unarmed when attacked by my problems, I will surely lose the war. 

By the end of today, feeling sick, depressed and hopeless, I am ready to surrender. I can only hope this means I am closer to feeling better. Why are things so hard when we are right in the middle of them. 

I am sick with myself for ever being a drug addict. I realize more than ever that I better sharpen my coping skills fast. I'm hardly rational and wonder what life will be like when opiates are a thing of the past.

Day 21: Week 3 Officially Over

I AM PROUD TO SAY I HAVE STAYED ON THIS TRACK WITHOUT GIVING UP OR A RELAPSE FOR OFFICIALLY 3 WEEKS. 

TOMORROW I SEE DR D AGAIN, AND I HOPE TO SET A PLAN IN PLACE THAT HAS ME OFF OF OPIATES IN 2 MORE WEEKS. I JUST CANT SEE PROLONGING THIS FOR MUCH LONGER. IF THE WORST IS STILL TO COME I WANT TO GET IT OVER WITH AND GET ON WITH MY LIFE. 

A LONG WALK AND AN EVENING WITH FAMILY MADE THIS DAY BETTER. 

Day 20 Is Finally Over

I apologize in advance for the negativity in this post but I want to be honest. 

Most of the day I was in a rotten mood. Although I do not get a 'high' feeling from taking Suboxone, it's clearly something. Not taking the usual amount is making me feel like I am void of any happiness. I know that if I took my full 2 pills then the bad mood wood most likely go away. 

Not only is that irritating but a reminder that I HATE being a slave to opiates. It confuses me that I switch back and forth from I want to give up to I will keep on this track. If I am in the midst of being fully aware of what opiates are doing to me, you would think giving up would be the last thing on my mind. 

I guess if anyone looks at my blog, then they will know I gave up when my posts stop. For now I'd like to keep going. After being halfway through the tapering process it seems a waste to quit. The scary part is knowing the horrible feeling I had today will increase as the Suboxone in body continues to decrease.

Day 21 is tomorrow. # weeks into my detox plan.  

A reminder to share this blog with a loved one or through social media to help reach the addicts who need a first step!

Day 20

Last night I read a post from a Mom about her son being on Suboxone, and the judgement from people around her. People telling her if he is on Suboxone he is not sober. I can't help but feel weak after reading things like that. I have said before that I believe Suboxone saved my life. On the other hand I do think it is best used as a tool to facilitate sobriety off of all opiates as opposed to a long term solution. 

I do not feel negatively abut anyone who stays on it. I know the hell of heroin and the life it brings. I have been on Suboxone over a year, and I am barely ready to get off of it. Every should do it in their own time in my opinion. It's pointless to do it at all until we are ready. 

Tapering sure is hard! I needed the timing to match up with my support system, and even having those things on point I want to give up many hours of the day. 

there's a salvation in reading ex-junkie blogs. It soothes me to see them on the otherside. It motivates me to keep going. Today I will take an hour at a time. I have not taken my Suboxone for the day yet. I'd like to hold out a few more hours if possible. 

Wish me luck. 

Made It Thru Day 19

A bit hard to believe I will admit. I do not like the feeling ill, tired, under the weather and depressed so much. I do however like that all the 'pain' means I am getting through this ordeal. A little closer each day. 
I did a 1/2 pill this afternoon, and a 1/4 in the early evening. So this week altered between 1/2 and 3/4.

I think the most difficult thing I go through is guilt. The guilt I feel over everything I have done, and that I need to do something like this to become a 'normal' person, really drags me down. 

I guess it is what it is, and since I can't fix the past it doesn't do me much good to stay in guilt. Finding a way to work that out would most likely eliminate a lot of 'symptoms' I am having. Maybe?

I want to do this really quickly. I made the decision to get off Suboxone almost 3 weeks ago. Part of my addict behavior is to require that instant gratification. In this case the absence of Suboxone in my daily life is the gratification. The truth is I have zero desire to live the day to day of it. I suppose there are obvious lessons in walking through the taper as opposed to a sedated rapid detox that I dream about. 

So grateful for my blog as an outlet. I wonder most hours of the day if I am the only one who is like this. 

My final thought is that sobriety on a Friday night is a complete obstacle to climb all on it's own. My phone is not plugged in, so that I do not have to be faced with the choice. 

Day 19 Part One

I had using dreams last night. A rehab counselor once told me that having using dreams means we are purging the drugs from our minds. I am not sure if this is true. I'd love to find out more about that. The effect they have on me is that I seem to feel sad when I wake.

My first order of business was to see Dr. D. He asked me yesterday to come in for an extra session of hypnosis since I have been a bit off track the last few days.

Essentially this is where I wear blinking glasses, headphones, and he talks me into a conscious level. Then he can say things like, "I am realizing how much I want to be free of opiates", or "I will take good care of myself."

I am sorry that my explanation does it NO justice. What I can say is that it works. I highly recommend doing some research on this topic. Hypnosis for addiction, quitting smoking, weight loss, or whatever. Something about reconstructing our feelings and words to ourselves when our brain is at a consciousness in which it can be effected.

I know my  Dr. has a success rate of above over 95% among thousands of patients.

Anyways, Day 19 started sad but took a hard right turn. I am still really struggling with my thoughts, depression, headaches, and anxiety, but I plan to go for a walk and spend a little time with family. I also plan to listen to the CD he burned for me from our session. I figure I have nothing to lose. I haven't taken my Suboxone yet. I plan to put it off as long as I can today. I am quite sure that is effecting my mood as well.

It's all about staying clean from street drugs another day, and continuing my taper off Suboxone.

Day 18

I slept in late today. My first decision was coffee. My 2nd decision was to cancel my day and get back in bed. 

Unfortunately for me, I made a commitment to model my eyes for a live web chat evaluation that my roommate needed to complete so she can start her new job. 

Thank God for that hidden blessing because by the end of it I had decided not to cancel my appointment with Dr. D.  

I decided on honesty being the best policy & let him know that my pill reduction from 3/4 to 1/2 was not going so well. I also admitted my overwhelming fear that my tapering is dangerously close to me being off of them for good. 

We made 2 decisions. 

1. My taper may be a bit fast, and to allow myself the flexibility of 1/2 or 3/4 for a few more days. 
2. To give my medication to a family member for dispersement. This seemingly should have been an obvious move, but I say better late than never. The cheating temptation only became overpowering the last few days. 

The decision to designate the pill control needed to be mine. Small victories...

LAstly I discussed my blog & the nervousness that comes w/ my candid experience, the fear of failure, & and the intense desire to reach out to suffering opiate addicts. 

Dr. D. encouraged me to continue writing, and as you can see I've decided today to keep it going. 

See ya on 19th day!