43 Days out of a Lifetime

After not wanting to turn on my computer for almost 3 days, I booted up. To my surprise I had lots of emails. Comments from an addicts mother, other junkies, and other people I didn't know...people with no obligation to my recovery.

The sight of those things brought the first tears  my eyes have been able to produce in weeks.  I cried uncontrollably as I read the words typed into cyberspace by strangers who offered their genuine support. Even when I hate myself and think I am doomed-someone is thinking of me. Someone has cried these same tears, bled these same wounds, and felt hopeless in front of me. I am not the first girl lying desperate at the mercy of the devil disguised as heroin. My father is not the 1st who holds onto hope while he watches his pride and joy agonize over something too foreign for him to understand.

 43 days seems like forever sometimes. 43 days also seems like nothing. There are so many ways to put recovery and the act of becoming sober into perspective. 

The lack of sleep from the past week or so must have caught up to me, because I slept most from Saturday/early Sunday until about 1pm today. I woke up a few hours here and there...

Saturday I was so upset with this whole subject I flushed the Suboxone I had left and took the choice of that relief away from myself. Unfortunately I still have some at the pharmacy. 

Somehow I was able to get thru about 48 hours without a pill. When I woke up today I started screaming like a child. I slammed my pillow at the wall and my father- who graciously has been staying at my house to support me thru this asked if I was ok. I screamed that I hated being awake! Why can't I just stay asleep!!

The only thing worse to me than feeling that way, is seeing the pain in my father's eyes. This man has taught me what unconditional love is. He has never blamed me, judged me, guilted me, or put me down. He IS the reason I ever made it off of the street and even tried getting sober.

Somedays it seems like other addicts have it easier, or don't go thru the same things as me. I know this is a bratty thing to say, but I didn't open this blog to sugarcoat my thoughts. I am pretty sure I am not the only one that thinks they are not meant to have a good sober life. 

We refilled 3 more Suboxone and after about 51 hours without one I took appx 1.5mg. I do not feel great about it, but it is what it is. I made up my mind that I was going to find a way to score some dope, so I negotiated myself into taking meds instead. 

I asked my father to not give me another piece for at least 24 more hours. I am praying I will turn that 24 hours into 48hr. Maybe that 48hrs will become a week...and maybe I will smile again someday soon.

Sincerely thanking those who have reached out to me..~J

Gonna Vent NOT Use-Day 33

One of the things I dislike about myself is that when the going gets tough, I lose all motivation & stop doing the things I love. 
This was a hard weekend. I could barely bring myself to move let alone write... Boo Hoo right? 
 I will be the first to say I'll never change unless I CHANGE!

I mustered up the effort to post my feelings on an incredible recovery forum I've been a part of. My post for day 33 will simply be the content from that thread. 

Hope you enjoy!

ME: I am at the tail end of my Suboxone detox. Prolly only have a few days left.
I find on this Saturday night instead of leg cramps, depression and nausea, I'd prefer a needle or a pipe. No discrimination..I'll take whatever I can find. 

This is my attempt to start changing my dirty habits. 

I find that when I relapse it usually happens like this:

-have the thought of getting high
-obsess on it
-glorify it until I convince myself
-refuse to think of anything else except how to score until I do it

So, I know that in posting here I am forced to type it out which requires thinking about the millions of bad things instead of the one good thing. (the glorified 5 second good thing.)

For me, H has been the most difficult to put behind me. Thanks for letting mw vent. I think deep down I don't really want to.

Comment 1: No, DEEP down, You DON'T want to - it's just that crazy old mind song playing in the head again. But it's NOT you - can you see it play ? There's you watching it , hearing it, there's You and the old song playing- they're separate. Stay with the REAL you - find the quiet within, even for for a few seconds here and a few seconds there. Step out of the mind and find that quiet "space "within- rest there . Be at ease, breath.... It'll pass. Trust.

Comment 2: Type more than a couple paragraphs. Type out the whole story of your past using days. Do it in OneNote or somewhere if you don't want it online. You've got to remember how bad it really was instead of falling into the circular seeking behavior.

Comment 3:

Deep down you don't really want to


That's not you talking ........

Comment 4: I am glad you posted this. My thought process was pretty much the exact same, but I never actually wrote it out. It is great that you have identified it so you can do something about it. How do you plan to battle the cravings and to stop it before it gets to number 4 on your list?

Comment 5: How about interrupt it at #1 ? It is the thought of using which is the signal to intervene. What are you feeling just before those thoughts come ? Are you feeling overwhelmed by something in your current situation ? Are you feeling trapped in some way ? Or helpless? I read that addiction is only a symptom of an unlying feeling of powerlessness/trapped helplessness and for long-term soberity to stick, you need to identify the real issues driving the need to escape. Do you feel any of these emotions,friend ? If so, what can you change to lessen those feelings? What empowering action(s) can you take?

My Response: - I am really scared of screwing up again is at the root of it. Been 12 or more years without going a week clean.. I always get sober and relapse. Some minutes I feel great like I can do it this time, next minute I am like wtf why am I trying. 

I rented pay per per view and watched Netflix all night.. since I am sleeping little to none right now.. Stayed clean.

Comment 6: That's SO awesome - you rode it out and it passed !!! You should pat yourself on the bat - or at least do it for me ! Just take it one day at a time - that's enough. Don't worry about tomorrow - you never have to handle more than today. Forget the rest and when the mind story gets going , catch it and stop it. Keep reminding your mind that today is enough and try to see if you can find some ease in just staying present . It's a real challenge, I know, but it's a challenge that will help you on so many levels. And the more clean days you stack, the easier it'll be to do this and other other positive things. Just keep it simple - today is all you need to take care of. Keep moving forward,, Lady - you passed yesterday's test - you can pass today's!

To be honest, I have been lonely as hell during the last 2 years of using, and the longer I try to get sober the lonelier I get. I can imagine hell should be so isolating. I could count on one hand the people interested in what's up with me- and there was a day I had more friends than I knew what to do with. That's another topic though...hard for people to wanna be friends with a junkie loser.

Last night- those complete junkie and ex-junkie STRANGERS gave a crap enough to give me those no BS replies. I did not expect a response at all. I figured people would glance and roll through. 

Amazing that in the world we live in where junkies are trash and the sober people are 'good', that an addict cares enough to rise up and help a total stranger day after day! It's amazing. It was amazing not to feel alone when I logged on and saw that people cared if I never logged on again...

I posted this on http://opiatetrap.blogspot.com as well. It is important to me that one person who is hopeless and alone might benefit from seeing that they can reach out. It is worth the post if even one  person reaches out for help. I am only one person, and I lived through many nights where I was lucky to see the next morning. Seeing hope may have made a difference..? 

30 Days!!!

I love that I am down to about 1/4 of a pill a day. There is of course, disappintment in not being cold turkey the last few ds. I am trying to look at it from the standpoint of aim high and if I miss it's alright. We can never dream too big.

The fact that I haven't given up or gone back to street dope is extremely exciting for me. 

The fact that I haven't given up or gone back to street drugs is extremely terrifying for me. 

My brain wages war between those two statements knowing that the nature of the beast is always to attack.

In this circumstance the beast is my addiction. 

I am not without w/d symptoms. Restless legs are the most hated. Along with nausea and depression. These are my top 3. I am positive that preparation has been my ally for the past month. By that I mean physical and emotional preparation. 

I wll outline more about how I have been doing this in a simplified manner for those of you who might want to detox.

thanks to my readers, (assuming I have one) and keep cheering me on and keeping me in your good thoughts please!
Don't forget to share with those in need.

~J'Elle

24th Day of My Suboxone Taper

Our minds are a powerful thing. I am content in my decision to cold turkey the rest of the way as of Friday. 

However, fear and doubt of myself consume my brain. Failure haunts me. Sobriety seems so out of reach. For the 18 months I have been on Suboxone, I considered myself 'sober'. As time has passed, knowledge has increased, and my moods dependence has relied on my medication I realize it is not 100% sobriety. 

I still hold to the fact that Suboxone saved my life. Served as a gateway from heroin to freedom. Suboxone provided the time I needed to gain more mental stability. The counseling and medical attention I needed has further helped me along, and without the medication I doubt I would have made it this far. 

I filled my 24th day with reading, walks, yoga, and writing. I spent time on a recovery forum networking with other drug addicts and opiate users. We are not alone. 

Day 24 was hard and hopeful. I am sure the days ahead will be harder, but each day that passes I think a little more hope comes. Hope for freedom from the trap I loathe so much. 

Day 23- One Cold Turkey Coming Up!

 Today I asked my Dr. what he thought about me going cold turkey. I am down from 2 pills a day to less than 1 pill a day in three weeks. Physically I am already starting to go through the withdrawals, and I feel like continuing to taper will simply prolong the misery. 

We agreed on Friday being the day that I go cold turkey. This gives me a few days to mentally prepare myself. I know that I need a support system in place on many levels for this to happen. 

I went most of the day on only 1/4 of a pill. When I took a 1/2 a pill tonight it made me feel so much better. What an aggravating feeling! To know that we are so dependent on a little expensive pill. I am so over it. 

I know this will be the fight of all fights. Today I read many stories of people who have been through this. My hearts breaks over it. 

If there is anyone that reads this post, please let me know if you have any words of wisdom about the cold turkey thing. I am finding that the online junkie community provides more support for me than almost anything else!

Thanks for reading. Share this with someone if you know they want to quit Subs. Also, take the time to read my http://opiatetrap@blogspot.com blog if you are interested in what a junkie life does to a soul. 

Much love.

Day 21 & Easter

I am weary from struggle. Tired from the focus that drugs bring during both the using period, and the recovery period. Some days I have Wonder Woman sized strength to take it on, others I have no strength at all. 

Today marks the 3 week mark for my Suboxone taper. I had a little reminder this morning that came just in the nick of time. 

It reminded me why I started this blog. Not only for me, but for anyone who may need the courage to try to get free of opiates. I know that I cannot go backwards in time. I can only take another step toward being completely sober from opiates. 

While that seems like such an impossible feat, I know there are others who have done it. I am trying to be grateful today that I am doing it by choice. I could be drying out in a jail cell or mental institution and believe me that wasn't too far away from where I was as a junkie. 

Thanks for reading and Happy Easter!