Redirecting?!?!?!

I suppose I should have expected a lot of change and redirecting my goals when I started this detox. (Mental note to those of you preparing to quit) I don't even think I can call it detox at this point anymore. I am all over the place in my addiction to opiates at this point.My goals constantly change and the changes are usually based on my present feelings or emotions. I did quite a bit of prep work physically, mentally, and got quite educated before I began this. It's amazing that even after 9 months of consistent daily habits, they break just that easy if we let them. 

Please check out my post this morning on my Opiate Trap Blog.It is a check in after being absent from posting my daily experiences. 

http://opiatetrap.blogspot.com/2014/07/does-it-really-matter.html

What is one to do when Suboxone Stopping becomes an entirely different thing? Do I continue to log about it. Maybe I should start a new blog? 

Please share your thoughts here, and on the Opiate Trap Blog.


Peace ~J'Elle

Day 38- Really Struggling at This Point

My brain is so fudged up I can barely think clearly. All my rational motivation for myself is out the window. I am terrified. BUT I still want to quit.

I really need some advice. First off I feel ridiculously weak b/c I wanted to cold turkey like 2 weeks ago. 

I gave myself a break due to my short amount of taper days.

Here I sit in the same exact position. It's like I am dragging out the feeling Sh!**y feeling that comes with w/d's. The small piece I take here n there does nothing but prolong the time I'm not clean.

My sleep is all jacked up, I am super frustrated, exhausted, and today I pulled a junkie move. Refilled 3 pills at the pharmacy like usual. I usually cut them up into 1 or 2 mg pieces & give the bottle to family to hold so I won't be tempted. Today I cut them up into enuf pieces so it looked like I didn't take much- but I took like 3 or 4 pieces. Prolly equivalent to just less than 1 full pill. 

I wanted that feeling of relief that comes with stopping w/d & I got relief. Temporarily. Maybe a few hours and that's only b/c I've been on such a low dose. 

Totally not worth the guilt and disappointment that it left me with.

I can't seem to clear my head enough to wrap it around the decision to STOP TAKING THEM! I block it out when I even start to think. 

Sometimes I feel like if I didn't have any more pills left to refill that will be the only way to stop. But I was told today I have more. :-( 

So I need a plan. Do I come clean w/ my fam, and tell them not to give me any? Do I get it done this weekend? Or do I keep taking them until I feel ready to stop? I need some direction. Some words of wisdom, or someone to make me a plan bc I am dropping the ball!  

I do not know where all this fear is coming from. I was doing well for the first month. But the thought of not taking them... omg I can't picture how to get there anymore. 

If ever there was a day I need support and advice it's today.

30 Days!!!

I love that I am down to about 1/4 of a pill a day. There is of course, disappintment in not being cold turkey the last few ds. I am trying to look at it from the standpoint of aim high and if I miss it's alright. We can never dream too big.

The fact that I haven't given up or gone back to street dope is extremely exciting for me. 

The fact that I haven't given up or gone back to street drugs is extremely terrifying for me. 

My brain wages war between those two statements knowing that the nature of the beast is always to attack.

In this circumstance the beast is my addiction. 

I am not without w/d symptoms. Restless legs are the most hated. Along with nausea and depression. These are my top 3. I am positive that preparation has been my ally for the past month. By that I mean physical and emotional preparation. 

I wll outline more about how I have been doing this in a simplified manner for those of you who might want to detox.

thanks to my readers, (assuming I have one) and keep cheering me on and keeping me in your good thoughts please!
Don't forget to share with those in need.

~J'Elle

27th Day on This Train

Well, 27 days into my Suboxone taper and what a ride it has been. Experiencing every emotion that I can think of, it's most definitely a whirlwind! 

Today I struggled more with the upset stomach, major depression, and the RLS was starting to get a bit nuts! (RLS=restless leg syndrome) 

Here's how my day went:

12pm (ish): Forced self to sit in sun. Lasted about 3 minutes.

1:30pm: Picked up my guitar and jammed out some notes for about 5 minutes.

2pm: Friend called and took me to lunch and then Starbucks. Lifesaver!!!

4:30: Started freaking out & dragged myself on a 10 minute walk.

7pm: Picked up some Clonidine from the Pharmacy

8:30: Watched a movie / my Dad, took some Clonidine and a small piece of Suboxone. (appx .5mg) :-(

Single most motivating thing today: fellow ex-junkie asking me if I'd be able to get up and find energy for a free kilo that would be a 5 mile walk away. WOW! Talk about putting things into perspective. Mind over matter baby! That is SO much of it!

I am not going to be too hard on myself. I am in a good place at the moment. Tomorrow I will keep going. My motto right now is one day at a time. Hoping to go 48 hours with no Subs and then take it from there. Quite honestly, with al the crazy thoughts that ran through my head today, I am glad I did not pick up the phone and have a full blown stupid relapse. This is tough!!!! Not giving up yet. ~J'Elle

Day 26

I am a believer in God and the Bible. I am most definitely not here to preach to anyone or attempt a conversion. Believing in god is simply a part of who I am, and my relationship with him is a tool that I use in my life, specifically in my recovery. 

In all honesty, if you look at the bible you can retain plenty of factual and practical life habits whether or not you believe spiritually. 

I have an actual point. Today I went cold turkey off of Suboxone, and so far it's believing there is something better on the other side of this hell I am enduring that carries me. God knows I do not have the strength to carry myself all day every day. 

I will be honest and say I do not know how much further I can go. Sometimes it literally is hour by hour. Telling myself I do not need to call the dope man minute by minute. 

If it gets THAT bad, I hope I will remember I have Suboxone at the pharmacy instead of calling the dope man. For an addict it doesn't always work that way in our messy little brains. 

Craving Change Day 23

There comes a point for all of us when we crave change. By crave, I mean a desire so potent that it comes from a place deep inside of us, a desire we can't extinguish no matter how much we sleep. 

I find that when I am at this point I have two choices. I give up, or I insert actions powerful enough to move me away from the sameness that haunts my days. 

This craving is what lit the spark in me to get completely away from opiates. I found a doctor and counselor qualified and determined to teach me how I could make the permanent changes necessary to stay sober over a lifetime. I opened this blog as an outlet for my feelings, and as a source of inspiration for others who want to be free of opiates.  

Three weeks into my new fight I find myself craving even more than this. I have lost my focus over the last week. My joy is being overpowered by negative thoughts and days filled living on the edge of dope sickness and depression. 

I see my doctor in a few more hours. I plan to ask him if at this point of taking less than 1 pill a day, should I go ahead and go cold turkey for the rest? Throw all of the withdrawal into a few days, and get on with my life. I honestly do not know what his answer will be. I wish I had access to ex-junkies for some guidance. 

Nevertheless, my first step today was to pray. Next to write, and then I'll force myself on a walk and to do some yoga. Maybe I can jump start my endorphins that way.  know that if I want my circumstances to change I have to change what I do during my day. This will be the part of the fight where I literally have to drag myself through the motions and pray for results. I know that I won't change if I lay around sad all day, so nothing I do can be worse than how I have felt all week. 

The goal is to stay sober and away from a street drug relapse. Thanks to the few of you who are reading and sending me comments. Believe it or not, those few words send me more hope than you can imagine. I am posting this entry on both of my blogs this morning. http://suboxonestopping@blogspot.com & http://opiatetrap@blogspot.com I'll update later on how the day went. 

Day 22-Will It Ever End?

Today I started out by looking at my situation and wanting to give it a more practical approach. This is how I dealt with it when I decided to get off of Suboxone. As it has gotten more difficult over the last week, I have been very out of whack. 

Years ago I began to look at problems like a war. My life as the battlefield, my problems the enemy, and my coping skills were my armor. 

I realized that if unarmed when attacked by my problems, I will surely lose the war. 

By the end of today, feeling sick, depressed and hopeless, I am ready to surrender. I can only hope this means I am closer to feeling better. Why are things so hard when we are right in the middle of them. 

I am sick with myself for ever being a drug addict. I realize more than ever that I better sharpen my coping skills fast. I'm hardly rational and wonder what life will be like when opiates are a thing of the past.

Day 20 Is Finally Over

I apologize in advance for the negativity in this post but I want to be honest. 

Most of the day I was in a rotten mood. Although I do not get a 'high' feeling from taking Suboxone, it's clearly something. Not taking the usual amount is making me feel like I am void of any happiness. I know that if I took my full 2 pills then the bad mood wood most likely go away. 

Not only is that irritating but a reminder that I HATE being a slave to opiates. It confuses me that I switch back and forth from I want to give up to I will keep on this track. If I am in the midst of being fully aware of what opiates are doing to me, you would think giving up would be the last thing on my mind. 

I guess if anyone looks at my blog, then they will know I gave up when my posts stop. For now I'd like to keep going. After being halfway through the tapering process it seems a waste to quit. The scary part is knowing the horrible feeling I had today will increase as the Suboxone in body continues to decrease.

Day 21 is tomorrow. # weeks into my detox plan.  

A reminder to share this blog with a loved one or through social media to help reach the addicts who need a first step!

Day 20

Last night I read a post from a Mom about her son being on Suboxone, and the judgement from people around her. People telling her if he is on Suboxone he is not sober. I can't help but feel weak after reading things like that. I have said before that I believe Suboxone saved my life. On the other hand I do think it is best used as a tool to facilitate sobriety off of all opiates as opposed to a long term solution. 

I do not feel negatively abut anyone who stays on it. I know the hell of heroin and the life it brings. I have been on Suboxone over a year, and I am barely ready to get off of it. Every should do it in their own time in my opinion. It's pointless to do it at all until we are ready. 

Tapering sure is hard! I needed the timing to match up with my support system, and even having those things on point I want to give up many hours of the day. 

there's a salvation in reading ex-junkie blogs. It soothes me to see them on the otherside. It motivates me to keep going. Today I will take an hour at a time. I have not taken my Suboxone for the day yet. I'd like to hold out a few more hours if possible. 

Wish me luck. 

Made It Thru Day 19

A bit hard to believe I will admit. I do not like the feeling ill, tired, under the weather and depressed so much. I do however like that all the 'pain' means I am getting through this ordeal. A little closer each day. 
I did a 1/2 pill this afternoon, and a 1/4 in the early evening. So this week altered between 1/2 and 3/4.

I think the most difficult thing I go through is guilt. The guilt I feel over everything I have done, and that I need to do something like this to become a 'normal' person, really drags me down. 

I guess it is what it is, and since I can't fix the past it doesn't do me much good to stay in guilt. Finding a way to work that out would most likely eliminate a lot of 'symptoms' I am having. Maybe?

I want to do this really quickly. I made the decision to get off Suboxone almost 3 weeks ago. Part of my addict behavior is to require that instant gratification. In this case the absence of Suboxone in my daily life is the gratification. The truth is I have zero desire to live the day to day of it. I suppose there are obvious lessons in walking through the taper as opposed to a sedated rapid detox that I dream about. 

So grateful for my blog as an outlet. I wonder most hours of the day if I am the only one who is like this. 

My final thought is that sobriety on a Friday night is a complete obstacle to climb all on it's own. My phone is not plugged in, so that I do not have to be faced with the choice. 

Day 18

I slept in late today. My first decision was coffee. My 2nd decision was to cancel my day and get back in bed. 

Unfortunately for me, I made a commitment to model my eyes for a live web chat evaluation that my roommate needed to complete so she can start her new job. 

Thank God for that hidden blessing because by the end of it I had decided not to cancel my appointment with Dr. D.  

I decided on honesty being the best policy & let him know that my pill reduction from 3/4 to 1/2 was not going so well. I also admitted my overwhelming fear that my tapering is dangerously close to me being off of them for good. 

We made 2 decisions. 

1. My taper may be a bit fast, and to allow myself the flexibility of 1/2 or 3/4 for a few more days. 
2. To give my medication to a family member for dispersement. This seemingly should have been an obvious move, but I say better late than never. The cheating temptation only became overpowering the last few days. 

The decision to designate the pill control needed to be mine. Small victories...

LAstly I discussed my blog & the nervousness that comes w/ my candid experience, the fear of failure, & and the intense desire to reach out to suffering opiate addicts. 

Dr. D. encouraged me to continue writing, and as you can see I've decided today to keep it going. 

See ya on 19th day!