Craving Change Day 23

There comes a point for all of us when we crave change. By crave, I mean a desire so potent that it comes from a place deep inside of us, a desire we can't extinguish no matter how much we sleep. 

I find that when I am at this point I have two choices. I give up, or I insert actions powerful enough to move me away from the sameness that haunts my days. 

This craving is what lit the spark in me to get completely away from opiates. I found a doctor and counselor qualified and determined to teach me how I could make the permanent changes necessary to stay sober over a lifetime. I opened this blog as an outlet for my feelings, and as a source of inspiration for others who want to be free of opiates.  

Three weeks into my new fight I find myself craving even more than this. I have lost my focus over the last week. My joy is being overpowered by negative thoughts and days filled living on the edge of dope sickness and depression. 

I see my doctor in a few more hours. I plan to ask him if at this point of taking less than 1 pill a day, should I go ahead and go cold turkey for the rest? Throw all of the withdrawal into a few days, and get on with my life. I honestly do not know what his answer will be. I wish I had access to ex-junkies for some guidance. 

Nevertheless, my first step today was to pray. Next to write, and then I'll force myself on a walk and to do some yoga. Maybe I can jump start my endorphins that way.  know that if I want my circumstances to change I have to change what I do during my day. This will be the part of the fight where I literally have to drag myself through the motions and pray for results. I know that I won't change if I lay around sad all day, so nothing I do can be worse than how I have felt all week. 

The goal is to stay sober and away from a street drug relapse. Thanks to the few of you who are reading and sending me comments. Believe it or not, those few words send me more hope than you can imagine. I am posting this entry on both of my blogs this morning. http://suboxonestopping@blogspot.com & http://opiatetrap@blogspot.com I'll update later on how the day went. 

Day 17- A New Day

I thought I would post my day 17 journal early today. I am almost caught up on typing the handwritten journals, and have been able to write direct onto the blog the last 3 days. Small victories add up!

The negativity consuming my thoughts at bedtime soon transformed into nightmares followed by guilt from blogging that negativity out into the universe. 

I started to delete it, but I remembered I am only human. Certainly not a perfect human. If my ability to be candid about my withdrawal process is thwarted by insecurities, it feels like a pointless gesture to share.  

I woke up bright and early! As my alarm began to beep at 8:00am, (early for me) I heard the voice of my sweet housemate calling out for me to get up. I left my house for a nice long walk, and the fresh air did me wonders. 

As much as I detest getting up early to walk, it's nice to start the day with a victory. The air cleared my thoughts and I refocused my Suboxone tapering goals. Bringing it back to simple terms worked for me today. 

I only have to worry about now. At lunch time I can worry about lunch time, and tonight I can worry about tonight. Worrying about tomorrow accomplishes one thing- putting me in a mindset to give up. If I wake up tomorrow, I can worry at that time. 

I have gone from 2 8mg pills a day to half of an 8mg pill a day. 

Thats a 14mg decrease! I have something to be proud of, and I've decided to allow myself to feel good about that for a moment. 

I am TERRIFIED of the next step because that step means this journey is almost over and I have not lived opiate free in a very very long time. 

We shall see where I am at the end of today. For anyone reading this who is thinking about quitting opiates. Take that first step! That's all you need. We don't even have to worry about what comes next just yet.