Thursday, May 8, 2014
Preventing Relapse
I plan to merge blogs soon for easier access. In the mean time-check out my relapse prevention theory!
Part 2: http://opiatetrap.blogspot.com/2014/05/preventingrelapse2.blogspot.com.html
Part 1: http://opiatetrap.blogspot.com/2014/05/preventingrelapse.blogspot.com
Part 2: http://opiatetrap.blogspot.com/2014/05/preventingrelapse2.blogspot.com.html
Part 1: http://opiatetrap.blogspot.com/2014/05/preventingrelapse.blogspot.com
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Day 35: Insomnia=Irrationality
The exhaustion must be getting to me. Friday I slept about 5 hours. Saturday 3 1/2 hours. It's Monday morning and I have not yet gone to sleep. I remember this happening during my past detoxes.
The nasty, creepy, crawly, feelings of bugs up and down my legs is one of the grossest feelings EVER.
I laid awake all night restless and sweating back and forth as if I had the flu. I did not think I'd make it to this morning. I have a doctor appointment at 2pm, so we shall see how that goes. (assuming I stay awake)
I was prepared to have insomnia at some point, but I predicted it would not come until I was completly off the meds. It must be these big jumps in dosage that I am taking. My dose on Saturday was around 3:30pm. My dose Sunday about 7pm, and about 1mg or less.
I held off as long as I could.
I am literally holding onto hope with my life today. I do not want to give up and give in because of insomnia. I am telling myself the rational explanation to why I feel so hopeless is the lack of sleep.
The nasty, creepy, crawly, feelings of bugs up and down my legs is one of the grossest feelings EVER.
I laid awake all night restless and sweating back and forth as if I had the flu. I did not think I'd make it to this morning. I have a doctor appointment at 2pm, so we shall see how that goes. (assuming I stay awake)
I was prepared to have insomnia at some point, but I predicted it would not come until I was completly off the meds. It must be these big jumps in dosage that I am taking. My dose on Saturday was around 3:30pm. My dose Sunday about 7pm, and about 1mg or less.
I held off as long as I could.
I am literally holding onto hope with my life today. I do not want to give up and give in because of insomnia. I am telling myself the rational explanation to why I feel so hopeless is the lack of sleep.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Gonna Vent NOT Use-Day 33
One of the things I dislike about myself is that when the going gets tough, I lose all motivation & stop doing the things I love.
This was a hard weekend. I could barely bring myself to move let alone write... Boo Hoo right?
I will be the first to say I'll never change unless I CHANGE!
I mustered up the effort to post my feelings on an incredible recovery forum I've been a part of. My post for day 33 will simply be the content from that thread.
Hope you enjoy!
ME: I am at the tail end of my Suboxone detox. Prolly only have a few days left.
I find on this Saturday night instead of leg cramps, depression and nausea, I'd prefer a needle or a pipe. No discrimination..I'll take whatever I can find.
This is my attempt to start changing my dirty habits.
I find that when I relapse it usually happens like this:
-have the thought of getting high
-obsess on it
-glorify it until I convince myself
-refuse to think of anything else except how to score until I do it
So, I know that in posting here I am forced to type it out which requires thinking about the millions of bad things instead of the one good thing. (the glorified 5 second good thing.)
For me, H has been the most difficult to put behind me. Thanks for letting mw vent. I think deep down I don't really want to.
Comment 1: No, DEEP down, You DON'T want to - it's just that crazy old mind song playing in the head again. But it's NOT you - can you see it play ? There's you watching it , hearing it, there's You and the old song playing- they're separate. Stay with the REAL you - find the quiet within, even for for a few seconds here and a few seconds there. Step out of the mind and find that quiet "space "within- rest there . Be at ease, breath.... It'll pass. Trust.
I rented pay per per view and watched Netflix all night.. since I am sleeping little to none right now.. Stayed clean.
This was a hard weekend. I could barely bring myself to move let alone write... Boo Hoo right?
I will be the first to say I'll never change unless I CHANGE!
I mustered up the effort to post my feelings on an incredible recovery forum I've been a part of. My post for day 33 will simply be the content from that thread.
Hope you enjoy!
ME: I am at the tail end of my Suboxone detox. Prolly only have a few days left.
I find on this Saturday night instead of leg cramps, depression and nausea, I'd prefer a needle or a pipe. No discrimination..I'll take whatever I can find.
This is my attempt to start changing my dirty habits.
I find that when I relapse it usually happens like this:
-have the thought of getting high
-obsess on it
-glorify it until I convince myself
-refuse to think of anything else except how to score until I do it
So, I know that in posting here I am forced to type it out which requires thinking about the millions of bad things instead of the one good thing. (the glorified 5 second good thing.)
For me, H has been the most difficult to put behind me. Thanks for letting mw vent. I think deep down I don't really want to.
Comment 1: No, DEEP down, You DON'T want to - it's just that crazy old mind song playing in the head again. But it's NOT you - can you see it play ? There's you watching it , hearing it, there's You and the old song playing- they're separate. Stay with the REAL you - find the quiet within, even for for a few seconds here and a few seconds there. Step out of the mind and find that quiet "space "within- rest there . Be at ease, breath.... It'll pass. Trust.
Comment 2: Type more than a couple paragraphs. Type out the whole story of your past using days. Do it in OneNote or somewhere if you don't want it online. You've got to remember how bad it really was instead of falling into the circular seeking behavior.
Comment 3:
Deep down you don't really want to
That's not you talking ........
That's not you talking ........
Comment 4: I am glad you posted this. My thought process was pretty much the exact same, but I never actually wrote it out. It is great that you have identified it so you can do something about it. How do you plan to battle the cravings and to stop it before it gets to number 4 on your list?
Comment 5: How about interrupt it at #1 ? It is the thought of using which is the signal to intervene. What are you feeling just before those thoughts come ? Are you feeling overwhelmed by something in your current situation ? Are you feeling trapped in some way ? Or helpless? I read that addiction is only a symptom of an unlying feeling of powerlessness/trapped helplessness and for long-term soberity to stick, you need to identify the real issues driving the need to escape. Do you feel any of these emotions,friend ? If so, what can you change to lessen those feelings? What empowering action(s) can you take?
My Response: - I am really scared of screwing up again is at the root of it. Been 12 or more years without going a week clean.. I always get sober and relapse. Some minutes I feel great like I can do it this time, next minute I am like wtf why am I trying.
I rented pay per per view and watched Netflix all night.. since I am sleeping little to none right now.. Stayed clean.
Comment 6: That's SO awesome - you rode it out and it passed !!! You should pat yourself on the bat - or at least do it for me ! Just take it one day at a time - that's enough. Don't worry about tomorrow - you never have to handle more than today. Forget the rest and when the mind story gets going , catch it and stop it. Keep reminding your mind that today is enough and try to see if you can find some ease in just staying present . It's a real challenge, I know, but it's a challenge that will help you on so many levels. And the more clean days you stack, the easier it'll be to do this and other other positive things. Just keep it simple - today is all you need to take care of. Keep moving forward,, Lady - you passed yesterday's test - you can pass today's!
To be honest, I have been lonely as hell during the last 2 years of using, and the longer I try to get sober the lonelier I get. I can imagine hell should be so isolating. I could count on one hand the people interested in what's up with me- and there was a day I had more friends than I knew what to do with. That's another topic though...hard for people to wanna be friends with a junkie loser.
Last night- those complete junkie and ex-junkie STRANGERS gave a crap enough to give me those no BS replies. I did not expect a response at all. I figured people would glance and roll through.
Amazing that in the world we live in where junkies are trash and the sober people are 'good', that an addict cares enough to rise up and help a total stranger day after day! It's amazing. It was amazing not to feel alone when I logged on and saw that people cared if I never logged on again...
I posted this on http://opiatetrap.blogspot.com as well. It is important to me that one person who is hopeless and alone might benefit from seeing that they can reach out. It is worth the post if even one person reaches out for help. I am only one person, and I lived through many nights where I was lucky to see the next morning. Seeing hope may have made a difference..?
I posted this on http://opiatetrap.blogspot.com as well. It is important to me that one person who is hopeless and alone might benefit from seeing that they can reach out. It is worth the post if even one person reaches out for help. I am only one person, and I lived through many nights where I was lucky to see the next morning. Seeing hope may have made a difference..?
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Weary End of Day 32
No matter how weary though, I am here another day!
What a day! I attempted to keep busy and distract my over-analyzing brain from dwelling on the fact that this is pretty much done!
As I mentioned this morning, I would not take any Suboxone this morning. I waited until about 7:30pm, and took the better half of a 1/4 of a pill, and about 30 minutes later took the remainder of the quarter.
I believe that is progress again and I am pleased.
Tomorrow's goal will be to put my dose off as long as possible.
As my taper progresses, I am weary. This is very difficult. I am not certain if the mental energy demanded has me beat up, or if the leg pain, dizzy, clammy, lightheaded, nauseated with every move stuff is breaking me. I am positive the 3 hours I slept last night exacerbate it all.
I am not in the mindset to give up during this late night write, but I wonder if the weary may weigh my soul too hard if I have another day like this. Thankfully days seldom repeat themselves.
The sadness is crippling. I read today on the soberrecovery.com site about a woman who is 4 months off opiates, lifeless, and depressed. She is certain that her fate is sealed. I prayed for her on the spot that she find her smile.
I am fortunate have the good days I've had. They remind me I smiled lately. I must have gone weeks, maybe 6 months where I stayed home by myself and never smiled. Knowledge is power and will do me well as far as helping me naturally reboot my endorphins.
Lots of walks, even the 45 second ones. Playing my guitar. Listening to music. Writing. Forcing myself to watch funny TV so i will laugh. Jumping up and down like a fool. Yoga. Wall push-ups. Punching pillows. Telling myself I am not a loser in the mirror. (even through tears) All things that aid in getting signals to your brain for 'happy chemical production.
Sometimes I feel alone based on the negative feelings I have. I wonder if everyone struggles so hard to keep them positive?
I want to beat this and learn from it. My goal to be 'sober' is almost non-existent. People get sober and stay there.
Sober for me will be a pit stop along the way. Someone needs to reach out into the world differently from whats been done. There are still MILLIONS of addicts and it keeps growing. Hurting people. Men, women, and kids that want to hang onto their freedom and don't know how to. I know saving the world won't happen through me, but I can put my story out there and try to help another self destructing ashamed addict find their way through.
Peace.
What a day! I attempted to keep busy and distract my over-analyzing brain from dwelling on the fact that this is pretty much done!
As I mentioned this morning, I would not take any Suboxone this morning. I waited until about 7:30pm, and took the better half of a 1/4 of a pill, and about 30 minutes later took the remainder of the quarter.
I believe that is progress again and I am pleased.
Tomorrow's goal will be to put my dose off as long as possible.
As my taper progresses, I am weary. This is very difficult. I am not certain if the mental energy demanded has me beat up, or if the leg pain, dizzy, clammy, lightheaded, nauseated with every move stuff is breaking me. I am positive the 3 hours I slept last night exacerbate it all.
I am not in the mindset to give up during this late night write, but I wonder if the weary may weigh my soul too hard if I have another day like this. Thankfully days seldom repeat themselves.
The sadness is crippling. I read today on the soberrecovery.com site about a woman who is 4 months off opiates, lifeless, and depressed. She is certain that her fate is sealed. I prayed for her on the spot that she find her smile.
I am fortunate have the good days I've had. They remind me I smiled lately. I must have gone weeks, maybe 6 months where I stayed home by myself and never smiled. Knowledge is power and will do me well as far as helping me naturally reboot my endorphins.
Lots of walks, even the 45 second ones. Playing my guitar. Listening to music. Writing. Forcing myself to watch funny TV so i will laugh. Jumping up and down like a fool. Yoga. Wall push-ups. Punching pillows. Telling myself I am not a loser in the mirror. (even through tears) All things that aid in getting signals to your brain for 'happy chemical production.
Sometimes I feel alone based on the negative feelings I have. I wonder if everyone struggles so hard to keep them positive?
I want to beat this and learn from it. My goal to be 'sober' is almost non-existent. People get sober and stay there.
Sober for me will be a pit stop along the way. Someone needs to reach out into the world differently from whats been done. There are still MILLIONS of addicts and it keeps growing. Hurting people. Men, women, and kids that want to hang onto their freedom and don't know how to. I know saving the world won't happen through me, but I can put my story out there and try to help another self destructing ashamed addict find their way through.
Peace.
Friday, May 2, 2014
Starting Day 32
Starting day 32 with exhaustion, restless legs, hope, and NOT my 1/8 of a pill. I have still been on 1/4 of a pill for the last few days, although I have broken that 1/4 into 2 different doses to help my body adjust a little easier.
The up all night insomnia most definitely made it's most prominent presence in this recovery so far. Luckily, a light day and some grace will ease me through a full day without Suboxone. I HOPE! In the back of my mind somewhere between doubtful and maybe...if I can go all day today, maybe that will turn into all day tomorrow too.
I already know I can do it for 24 hours, but never on this dose. The medicine I have built up continues to quickly flushing out and I can feel it physically.
As horrible as this is, I know without a shadow of a doubt it is one of he easiest detoxes in my life. It could be that this time is on my terms, not the county jail or anywhere else. Perhaps this is where my journey is supposed to be. Maybe this time will truly be different.
PS: If you haven't checked out opiatetrap.blogspot.com, you should.
The up all night insomnia most definitely made it's most prominent presence in this recovery so far. Luckily, a light day and some grace will ease me through a full day without Suboxone. I HOPE! In the back of my mind somewhere between doubtful and maybe...if I can go all day today, maybe that will turn into all day tomorrow too.
I already know I can do it for 24 hours, but never on this dose. The medicine I have built up continues to quickly flushing out and I can feel it physically.
As horrible as this is, I know without a shadow of a doubt it is one of he easiest detoxes in my life. It could be that this time is on my terms, not the county jail or anywhere else. Perhaps this is where my journey is supposed to be. Maybe this time will truly be different.
PS: If you haven't checked out opiatetrap.blogspot.com, you should.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
31 Days~ Really J'Elle??
"Really J'Elle?"
Boy do those two words go thru my head multiple times a day.
Picture yourself floating idly in the air. Unable to move from one spot, body tense on the inside and limp on the outside. One hand lifted forward in front of you as though you are reaching for something...almost able to touch it with your dainty fingertips. Paralyzed in fear that if you stretch your hand the teeny tiny last centimeter it needs to stretch in order to reach the object of your affection, that you might lose flight and fall to the ground. Your body shattering like glass into a million pieces from that last small movement. You also know that if you don't strive for that last reach, you might flail aimlessly forever, stuck and stoic.
Sobriety flirts in my reach. The object of my affection taunting and teasing me. The hopeful love that will be my happily ever after. If happily ever after existed.
In my dream state of semi-sobriety from my prescription air-bag, I am in shock. There is no where left to go except off of the pills. Despite all of the aches and pains this has been easier than I remember in my last couple of attempts to quit opiates.
Could I have found a way out of the opiate trap? "Are you REALLY doing this J'Elle?"
I took a 1/4 tab again this morning and have a half of a pill left. Day 31 of stopping Suboxone.
I believe with ALL my heart that if I can do this, anyone can. Dysfunctional, sabotaging everything good, relapse professional J'Elle; making a new life at 35 years old.
I guess we will see.
Boy do those two words go thru my head multiple times a day.
Picture yourself floating idly in the air. Unable to move from one spot, body tense on the inside and limp on the outside. One hand lifted forward in front of you as though you are reaching for something...almost able to touch it with your dainty fingertips. Paralyzed in fear that if you stretch your hand the teeny tiny last centimeter it needs to stretch in order to reach the object of your affection, that you might lose flight and fall to the ground. Your body shattering like glass into a million pieces from that last small movement. You also know that if you don't strive for that last reach, you might flail aimlessly forever, stuck and stoic.
Sobriety flirts in my reach. The object of my affection taunting and teasing me. The hopeful love that will be my happily ever after. If happily ever after existed.
In my dream state of semi-sobriety from my prescription air-bag, I am in shock. There is no where left to go except off of the pills. Despite all of the aches and pains this has been easier than I remember in my last couple of attempts to quit opiates.
Could I have found a way out of the opiate trap? "Are you REALLY doing this J'Elle?"
I took a 1/4 tab again this morning and have a half of a pill left. Day 31 of stopping Suboxone.
I believe with ALL my heart that if I can do this, anyone can. Dysfunctional, sabotaging everything good, relapse professional J'Elle; making a new life at 35 years old.
I guess we will see.
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